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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5770
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I sent some needy text messages to a guy I have been seeing

Customer Question

I sent some needy text messages to a guy I have been seeing and now I am afraid he thinks I am crazy and I scared him off. I sent him a few messages and I had a little to drink that night. He wasn't responding to all of my messages. My uncle's funeral was that weekend and I was feeling down. So I asked if I could call him. I told him I'd hope to see him. He responded with "ok", but when I called him he didn't pick up the phone. Then he sent a text message saying how pretty he thinks I am and stopped responding. Then I sent several text messages thereafter stating that he never really liked me and that I won't contact him again and that I would return the gift he gave me, because I didnt think he wanted to be bothered anymore. The next morning he sent me a message saying, "if i insist, i can send the gift back. i don't have a lot of personal time right now. I am very busy with work. Give me some time. we will chat soon. i will text you when i get free time to talk about personal things". He told me that we already had a discussion about being emotional, to "stop being emotional and crazy". I asked him if he wanted me to stop contact and he said "i will text you when i get free". I felt a little hurt by him saying those things, but I also know that I can be anxious at times, especially when i feel like i might lose someone that i love. The last time we were together he expressed his love and passion for me and we talked briefly about the future. But it seemed like he was different when I texted him that night all of this happened. So, I apologized the next day (by text message) and told him that i had a rough weekend and that I will stop being emotional and that I am not crazy but I do care about him. He sent a reply back at midnight and said "ok". I have done this before and he expressed that he doesn't like when I send long text messages. He once told me before that he was busy, but asked me to come see him a few weeks after he said that. I felt a very strong connection with this guy..like we were meant to be together. And I somehow believe he felt the same when we are together in person. But I am afraid that I scared him off now. If so, how do i get him back? I usually only text him about every 3-4 days. It has been 3 days since we texted each other. Should i bother to send him any messages? How long should I wait? Do you think he will ever contact me based on what was said?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your questions.

 

Your boyfriend probably has the wrong idea about you. You had a bad weekend and you were dealing with the death of your uncle. You needed were down and wanted to connect to someone and thought of him. You may have overreacted some, but you later apologized. That should have ended it.

 

But what might have happened is your boyfriend became scared when he noticed that you seemed needy so he backed off. Now he is afraid of trying to connect to you again because he may be unsure of how to handle someone who needs him.

 

Sometimes people react in relationships with what they learned at home growing up. If your boyfriend witnessed his mother being needy and his father backing off, then he may react in the same way to you. It is helpful to know this because his reaction may have nothing to do with how you are acting and more to do with his fears about relationships and people that need him.

 

He may also be fearful he cannot address your needs. Some people are at a loss when someone needs them. Men in particular feel the need to have answers when emotions come up. Your needs may upset your boyfriend because he does not know how to "answer" them.

 

The best option is to back off more. If you usually text or call him every three to four days, give it a week. Then send him a very short text such as "Just wanted to say Hi". Then let it go. If he doesn't respond, give him a little longer. Once he notices you backing off, he may start to feel better about coming around.

 

Give this a month or two. He needs time to adjust and realize that you want a normal relationship with him. He will probably contact you again after he sees that everything is ok.

 

I hope this has helped you. Let me know if you have further questions or want clarification,

 

Kate

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you very much. He told me to "be a blessing and not crazy". I don't want him to think I am a stalker. Does that mean he has changed his feelings about me. Before, he talked about how much of a good-hearted pretty talented woman I am. This man is someone i have dated (for a short period of time) before in the past, but there was a very long period of time we didn't come across each other...so it feels brand new. We have been intimate in the past and now current, but we do not have a "official" exclusivity to our relationship yet...but we have discussed the future and when he is around he seems very sincere and into me...almost tongue-tied. I also noticed him flirting (general flirting complimenting a woman) on facebook and i mentioned that in one of my texts that night. I usually play it cool, but I slipped and said something. Does any of this information I just added change anything.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
And the last night we were together, he told me "i am the best". i am also transitioning my living situation from living with my ex...to getting my own place. me and the guy i stay with do not have a relationship and i am not in love with him...we only have kids together, but i know this may be uncomfortable for my current guy to accept.
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 5 years ago.

His telling you to "be a blessing and not crazy" is just a way of expressing his fear about what happened between you. This is his view and may be based on his own experiences or something you did. It is hard to tell without knowing him directly.

 

It sounds like the relationship is developing between you but that he may have issues he is bringing into it. His reaction to your needing him is one of them. That is why it is a good idea to back off and see what he does.

 

He may also be waiting until you are completely separated from your ex. Some men feel hesitant to start a relationship with someone until they are free of other relationships.

 

But most of what I said before seems to still apply, even with the new information. I would still give it some time and allow him to make some choices about contact. That way, he shows he wants to be with you.

 

Kate

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