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Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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My boyfriend says that I look at guys and stare at them .

Customer Question

My boyfriend says that I look at guys and stare at them . the real reason is that i work in reception and I have to look at everyone. He is getting really upset and i've tried explaining to him that its not to get him jelous. He has now taken a week of to get over this and I am feeling pushed away. i've been calling him every now and then to say that I love him. But he's in a depressed mood. He told me to go ahead and give other guys a chance. Is he insecure? we have had many up's and down's about this situation. ( i told him that if i was looking out for another man I would have stopped the relationship with him). I am feeling really depressed myself and having sleepless nights.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 5 years ago.
Thank you for bringing your question to Just Answer!

This is a tricky situation. He is using his so-called jealousy to control you in a passive-aggressive way by withdrawing. This is a tactic often used by men who want to control women. They act as if they are very hurt, when in fact you've done nothing wrong. This makes the woman feel somehow responsible for his hurt feelings. This creates a situation in which he slowly gets her to be more isolated, so as not to 'hurt' him. She ends up feeling anxious and depressed. No matter how careful she is, he always seems to find fault with something she does. She ends up walking on eggshells.

A man who has to take a week to get over something that didn't actually happen is not a good prospect for a life partner. He is either a controller in the making, or lacks the emotional maturity to function in the adult world and to be comfortable with you as a responsible, mature person. Think very, very long and hard before committing to anything permanent with this man.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.

what more can I do about this. there are times where I feel ok and then go downhill again.

 

I'm trying hard not to contact him.( which I havn't for 3 days.)

What's the best solution you can give me to do?

 

Expert:  Suzanne replied 5 years ago.
Sometimes these push-pull men are the hardest to get over. Whether or not you've decided to get out of this relationship, read up on overly-jealous men. It will help you remember all the times he acted unreasonably and make it easier to extricate yourself from his drama. If you end up going back, you'll need this information to protect yourself.

Here are some articles to get you started:

Dealing-with-Jealous-and-Possessive-Men

Jealous men

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/15436286/ns/today-relationships/t/jealousy-it-same-men-women/

http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2011/06/25/women-and-jealous-men-2/


life-without-jealousy
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

The worst is that he works with me. I feel sick.

 

Why doesn't he do something to get intouch with me. Why does it always have to be my fault?

 

He has just looked at me and ignored me this morning.

Expert:  Suzanne replied 5 years ago.
He is punishing you...that's how men like this operate. He knows that if he makes you miserable enough, you will be willing to do whatever he wants. It always has to be 'your fault' because he's not mature enough to take responsibility for his own actions, and it's a way to always keep you feeling off-balance.

Read those articles. It will help you understand why he acts the way he does.

And start looking for another job as soon as possible! Trying to be a receptionist in a place where you're being criticized (and punished) for doing your job will just keep this drama going.

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