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Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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I have been with my boyfriend just over 3 years. I want to

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I have been with my boyfriend just over 3 years. I want to get married - he says he does, but does nothing about it, always making some good excuse. We don't live together. I have tried living at his house but he said he felt 'uncomfortable' because the house belonged to him and his wife who died 2 years ago( they were divorced for 2 years before I met him!)and I ended up moving out again - this has happened twice now. He also has his 20 year old gay daughter and her girlfriend still living with him and says he is waiting for her to move out, saying he wont 'throw her out' for any woman.... I don't want him to do that, but he is not encouraging her to find her own place or to get a job saying until she gets a job he won't encourage her to leave. BTW she is NOT looking for a job - why should she when you think about it? She is lazy and does nothing for him, she just takes all the time.( she is his only daughter) He also says he wont get enough money on his house if he sells it to be with me - he comes out with all sorts of excuses. When I called him out on all this he said we would get married early in the New Yeasr - but nothing else has been said... I am tired of it all -he even had the cheek to tell me a couple of weeks ago that a woman he knows through work I know he likes is 'out of his league' - his very words... I was SO angry! Where in the hell does this put me? - I feel demoted in his eyes.... I feel he is not worthy of my love and attention and I am about to dump him! Other than all this, he is good to me in all other ways - although he keeps me at a distance emotionally. BTW I am considered very attractive and I have a good job, look after myself etc etc...I do love him, but I feel sometimes he's just an idiot and risking losing me for good. We have broken up a few times and he aways chases me, promising to chnage... well guess what he hasn't - not really! I feel he's keeping me on a piece of string until the one he really wants shows up - am I right?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 2 years ago.

Thank you for bringing your question to Just Answer!

I think it's time for a new boyfriend. Three years is long enough for anyone to know if they want to be married. In the same way that there is no reason for his daughter to get a job, there's no real reason for him to get married--he likes things just as they are.

There are so many red flags in your description of him that rather than work on ways to get him to commit, I would suggest you put that energy into finding someone who will move the moon and stars to be with you. A man with a 20 year old daughter living with (and off) him, and who keeps you at an emotional distance is not a great candidate for marriage. Would you really want to spend the entire rest of your life with a man you had to talk into marrying you?

I know it may feel like you would have wasted the past three years, but with his track record, there's a good chance you could waste several more years just to end up with him lusting after some other women who is out of his league. And yes, that was an insult when he said that.

Frankly, I think you are out of his league as well. He's led you on, still has some attachment to his deceased ex wife, doesn't have the backbone to get his daughter and her lover out of his house....why would you want to marry this guy?

Before you get involved with another man, first read Temptations of the Single Girl. The "temptations" are thinking that we can change a man or his behavior, settling for a man who doesn't want a commitment when we really want marriage at some point, and wasting time with the wrong man because we're afraid to be alone. Here's a link to the book:

Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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