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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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My boyfriend is jealous of my relationship with my best friend/room-mate.

Resolved Question:

My boyfriend is jealous of my relationship with my best friend/room-mate. He says it feels like he is dating someone who is in already in a relationship. I think he is upset that I chose my friend to live with instead of him and now he has to wait the 12-month lease out before we can live together.

My best friend says she feels like she never gets alone time with me, that she is no longer feels like she is friends with me but only with a couple, and she doesn't have her freedom and own space in her own house.

When I try to explain this to my boyfriend he freaks out about being a third wheel in my friendship and that I act different around him when she is around. I'm just trying to protect her feeling of uncomfortableness and balance my time between the two of them, but I don't know how.

We don't fight about anything else besides this, and it just keeps reoccurring about once a week now. To the point where they don't want to be around each other anymore, but get upset if I spent too much time with the other.

It's exhausting.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 4 years ago.

What you have to find is a compromise - even more than you have already. Both want your attention and both have to give a little. Don't just try to schedule quality time but give them quality time and make sure your boundaries are firm with both. They both want different things really. Schedule intimate times with your partner and activities with your friend. Spend time making each person feel special. If they love you they will adjust. Right now they are in a power struggle but you have to stop participating. When you have time with your friend schedule something fun that doesn't include your partner. Schedule a candlelight dinner that doesn't include your friend. Tell them that you are trying your best to not neglect either relationship. If it comes out that one or the other threaten to leave they weren't your friend/partner to begin with. You have to have boundaries when they don't. When they can engage in a power struggle they will. Both have to adapt.



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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I can't always do separate activities with each of them, I want to still be able to do things as a group- but how do I still act like a couple without making my best friend feel like a third wheel, and still be the same friend to my friend without making my boyfriend feel like the third wheel?

I'm a caregiver and I tend to take on the role that each person in my life needs. My best friend gave up her life, moved out of state to live with me and so far doesn't know anyone else so I feel a sense of loyalty to her, to take care of her, make sure she is comfortable.

This dynamic makes my boyfriend jealous. He feels like he has to date both of us. He wants me to care for him and not baby my friend. They both guilt trip me by reminding me of what they have given up to be closer to me. I don't know who is the person I should be defending and standing up more for.
Expert:  psychlady replied 4 years ago.

Your caregiving role is interfering with just being yourself. You can't please two people that want you to be two different people. It isn't possible. You have to try to be what you are and less of what they want. If they guilt trip you then you are letting them do so. You have to enjoy their company without adjusting your personality. If they can't get along together then you are going to be faced with finding time for each. So it is in their best interest. You can get them together once and tell them everything including the pressure you feel you are under. If they care about you then they will find a solution. Engage them in the process instead of resolving it on your own. They will be motivated by spending time with you. Turn over the responsibility to them .

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