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Ask Cathy Your Own Question

Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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My fiance has been diagnosed with Histrionic personality type

Customer Question

My fiance has been diagnosed with Histrionic personality type . He disregards XXXXX XXXXX with him going out alone to Bars late at night. Everyone is usually drunk or getting there at that time.. He is a mormon and the church would disapprove of this behavior.. We are long distance . He in Cal. in Newport beach and I am in Seattle area. I have confronted him with my concerns and he trys to turn the tables and blame me.. What do you think?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 4 years ago.

Cathy :

Hi and thanks for writing JA

Cathy :

are you here?

Cathy :

Hello?

Cathy :

are you there?

Cathy :

Okay so let me know when it is convenient for you to chat about this online.

Cathy :

In the interim I am sorry to hear that you are your fiance are having so much difficulty. Can you tell us how old each of you are? Also you say that he is diagnosed with Histrionic personality disorder but then you do not describe any behaviors that would fit that disorder. Can you please speak to those behaviors that would fit the disorder as well as the other issues you are having> thanks so much and looking forward to chatting with you soon. Warm regards, Cathy

Customer :

Hi!

Customer :

He needs to be the center of attention..

Cathy :

Hi are you there?

Customer :

Hello

Cathy :

nice to see you

Cathy :

how are you doing tonight out in Seattle?

Customer :

I am fine and you? My fiance who is mormon.. Goes out late at by himself to local bars where people are drunk or on their way..

Cathy :

okay and how old are both of you?

Customer :

He is a flirt and attention hound..

Cathy :

how old are you both?

Customer :

Mormons are not to put themselves in compromising situations. 55 and 53

Customer :

We have known each other for 12 years now..

Cathy :

oh I see, so you are both mature adults and you think he should act his age, Mormon or not

Customer :

Yes

Cathy :

I see

Cathy :

how is it that this is such a long engagement? twelve years is such a long time?

Customer :

He says it is innocent.. But and he does not get the attention of women due o his being over weight.

Cathy :

and why do you live so far apart?

Cathy :

oh that may be

Cathy :

you might very well be right about that

Customer :

My kids needed to graduate from high school

Cathy :

oh I see

Cathy :

so you were planning to move to CA after your kids graduated?

Cathy :

to be with him?

Customer :

He goes out of his way to get attention from people , secifically woman..

Cathy :

I am sure he does especially if he is overweight and his fiance lives so far away

Cathy :

that would make sense, not that I condone this, but I can certainly see that happening

Customer :

That was the plan.. Now he is planning on moving here due to a tragic accident that happened too my ex.

Cathy :

he does this every night tho?

Cathy :

oh my

Cathy :

your ex?

Customer :

He does not want to live here due to the weather.. Ex. Husband

Cathy :

okay so the weather and your ex?

Customer :

Enough times and he doesn't answer his phone..

Cathy :

did your ex have a bad accident of some type and in bad weather?

Cathy :

I am just trying to get the gist of the dynamics here

Cathy :

so what happened with the ex?

Customer :

My fiance hates the weathe here..

Cathy :

oh I see

Cathy :

yes it gets very rainy up your way, yes I know that about Seattle

Cathy :

nice city though

Customer :

I have complained about his actions before.. He is a mormon and this is not acceptable by the church.

Cathy :

I see but he is going ahead with what he wants

Cathy :

going out to bars every night is not endorsed by most churches I would think

Customer :

He is now threatening to find someone else.. If I don't stop telling him that I am upset with his actions

Cathy :

does not sound very Christian to me at all

Cathy :

okay then the ball is in your court

Cathy :

have you thought this one through yet or is that why you are here? for help to sort this one out?

Customer :

It is about going out late at night when people are drunk.. Maybe 4 times a week

Cathy :

okay but he has told you this is what he is going to do no matter what you say

Cathy :

so what is your next step on this?

Customer :

Yes, He does not drink... He goes there to play pool and get attention

Cathy :

so he has told you this is what he is going to do and if you dont like it he will find another

Customer :

He thinks I am being childish

Cathy :

so what is your next step?

Cathy :

what is your plan

Customer :

Problem , I am dependent on him for income

Cathy :

okay so

Cathy :

the next choice you have to make is?

Customer :

He uses this as leverage

Cathy :

how to find a way not to be dependent on him for income?

Cathy :

or find a way to put up with his behavior to retain the income

Cathy :

what do you think?

Customer :

Yes, If a man loves a woman he would listen to her concerns

Customer :

I think he onlly thinks about his needs..

Cathy :

I think that is pretty much so most of the time

Cathy :

but its not really about that right now

Cathy :

its about what you will do regardless of love

Cathy :

as income is the issue here

Customer :

He was diagnosed by a professional to have Histrionic personilty charaistics

Cathy :

well so far you have not described that but thats okay as he seems to have other issues as well which are not so great for your relationship

Cathy :

my concern is you

Cathy :

what is your next step?

Cathy :

can you afford to find a way to live without his income

Cathy :

or must you tolerate his behaviors?

Customer :

Very hard in this economy to find another job.. I am older

Cathy :

yes I know

Customer :

He knows this. He said I was a gold digger

Cathy :

have you been out of work? for a long time?

Cathy :

and what kind of work did you do?

Customer :

I worked for him for a period of time in the beginning

Cathy :

oh I see

Cathy :

what kind of work was that?

Customer :

Event planning.. sales

Cathy :

very nice

Cathy :

and events are surely down in this rotten economy, no one has the money to throw an event anymore

Customer :

He bullying and makes threats that are hurtful.. Yes,

Cathy :

so tell me what you can do

Cathy :

you cannot change him, he will not change

Cathy :

so you have to make a very tough decision here

Customer :

If I don't apologise to him now he will find someone else and cut me off.

Cathy :

you have to find work (I know that is nearly impossible in this economy) or apply for benefits

Cathy :

and get out of his life

Cathy :

or you have to go along with his behaviors and not nag him to stop

Cathy :

exactly

Customer :

I guess I needed confirmation

Cathy :

you know he lives so far away from you

Customer :

of what I already know what to do

Cathy :

I am wondering if you cant turn a blind eye until there is a way for you to be on your feet

Cathy :

and then give him the heave ho

Cathy :

I know that is not very Christian like advice

Customer :

Sure , I agree.. Tell me I am not crazy for telling hims he is out of line for going out late at night..

Cathy :

but it is practical and I am all for practical

Cathy :

I think you are both different and no I do not think you are crazy

Cathy :

I just think he is what he is and you are not

Cathy :

and I have not been out to a bar much less four nights in a row since my early twenties in college

Cathy :

lol

Cathy :

so

Customer :

Come on a man going out late at night in a bar? What do you think he is looking for?

Cathy :

You know he is a lonely middle aged guy who is overweight and perhaps for five minutes a bar maid gives him a wink

Cathy :

I dunno

Cathy :

I have not been out there in over thirty years, I dont know what goes on in bars? LOL

Customer :

He does play pool.. He craves attention specially from women

Cathy :

I am just guessing as you are.

Customer :

He lives on the beach in so. cal.. party town central

Cathy :

okay then so I am sure there are some lovely ladies who patronize the bar or who work there and they flirt with him

Cathy :

and he enjoys the attention

Cathy :

I know if an attractive young man gave me a wink I would be thrilled

Cathy :

but most just call me granny

Cathy :

so no way to know

Cathy :

okay I see you are disconnected

Cathy :

so you make up your mind, do whatever is best for you and stay safe

Customer :

I told him he should have no problem with me going out by myself.. But I don't want to do this.. I know what would happen

Cathy :

take good care now

Customer :

Thank you

Cathy :

Night now and no more texting girl, get some rest.

Customer :

Thank you for listening

Cathy :

My pleasure. I hope this works out for you.

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