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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Im looking for some advice for a relationship with my ex. Im

Customer Question

Im looking for some advice for a relationship with my ex. Im 24, she's 19 tomorrow. We were together for 8 amazing months and I was her first bf. It was a cute and intense relationship with lots intimate dates, locations and memories. Our personalities are a great match and she really made me feel I could be myself around her, we share lots of interests and very strong chemistry. She always felt vunerable and let me be her man and I promised to look after her. Here parents are from a different culture and we could not tell them, they are very strict and she wasnt able to stay out nights.

Now she has moved to university, this is closer to where I lived from before and the first time shes had freedom away from her parents. Its something we dreamed of and looked forward to for a long time. I was in my last year of uni when we met now im back at my parents so a bit of a reverse of roles. However, as foreseen over a few weeks, she wanted her own space for the first few weeks of uni. The first few days she said she wanted me there, then called me after the first week to break up with me. She explained the world was moving under her feet, the thought of staying with me was scary and she already liked someone else and didn't like the guilt (wanted the freedom). And associated me with, outside uni, life.

I understood how she felt, I was the same when I started uni. I gave her space for a week but she provoked me with messages about why her friends said we shouldn't be together and that she shouldn't talk to me and I of course said how I felt and objected which wasn't giving her space and made things worse. Seemingly a lose/lose situation. She said not to talk to her for 2 months, or until she says shes ready. That she knows she's ruined the chance of a future with me and that she wouldnt mind if I got with someone else because she knows I would make her feel the same way as I made her feel and that's good.

3 Weeks have passed and I have not talked to her at all. But, seemingly unfairly (but who knows what goes on in a young girls mind..) she text me after 2 weeks to say that she has to tell me that she loves me and cant stop thinking about me, yet finishes the txt with "I know I told you to stop talXXXXX, XXXXXt reply to this, im sorry." Im sure she feels scared that It wont work out, scared that it will, confused ect. Last week she txt again to say she misses me. Today a text to say she loves me. I havent replied.

Should I reply? Im giving her the space she asked for and she hasnt said otherwise. Why is she saying she loves me, is that not she wants me or wants to be with me? My head always says tell her how I feel but that hasnt worked in the past, should I let her miss me anymore? It must be hard for her she cant just say "ok you can talk now."

Is she just trying to provoke a reaction. What If I say "I miss you too." Would she stop missing me? Or feel better?

I ask for advice now because it is her birthday tomorrow. My heart and dreams wish I could meet her for a dance if shes out with her friends. I remember she said she likes dove bodywash because it smells homely. Id get points for that! Only I suppress my dreams as I dont want to be dissapointed. Should I txt her at all, is that against the 2 months of "space"? Should I say happy birthday, I miss you too. Or would she stop missing me? Is she only after a reaction?

Any advice would be good. I know I cant depend on one person for happiness, I know I have to respect myself and that ultimately its her choice. I just want to make things easier, and do the right thing. I want to be with her of course, I love her.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

You should follow your heart. If you want to be with her so badly that you don't care what the end result is then contact her. Just keep in mind that she seems to be either fickle or too young to really commit. Her new life may offer her freedom to really explore life. That can lead to this very confused way of dealing with life and not knowing what she wants. Her age alone of course can also be the source of her confusion. You have to decide if taking a chance on being rejected is worth it. If you really love her then it may be worth it. That decision is yours. I can't make it for you. You know how much you want to take this chance.

 

Weigh out how bad you want to take a chance on this relationship. You have to want the relationship more than your concern about being hurt. I don't know her motives but I fear that she may be just too young. Don't allow yourself to be a pawn for when she gets lonely.

 

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