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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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I need to know if I am being too sensitive. The other day

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I need to know if I am being too sensitive. The other day my husband and I were looking at photos online. There was a photo of me I really didn't like. I said, " oh, boy i look strange". He said, "yes, this is what I look at when we're making love." i was shocked, sad, and angry! he immediately apologized and said it was a joke, but my heart was still hurting. it's been a few days and I still can't seem to shake this sinking feeling in my heart. how could he say such a thing even if he meant it as a joke? isn't there a piece of truth in every joke? he has tried to make it up to me, but i'm still hurt. what do you think?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 2 years ago.

Hi,

 

There is no truth in every joke. Sometimes people just say things that they don't mean and end up regretting. He may have not even though about what was coming out of his mouth then and at times men find some things funny while women do not.

As far as being overly sensitive, that is something you'd have to weight against other times when comments not only by him had affected you days later. In that case, there is an indication that you internalize the comment and ruminate over it instead of letting it go. That would indicate that you're critical of yourself and comments like that erode at your self esteem. That can make one sensitive mistakenly perceiving the sensitivity to be a defense (by justifying what you think and how you feel)

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you~ I understand what you mean about ruminating and letting the comment erode at my self esteem. I need to let go. That is true. What do you mean by the last sentence? " That can make one sensitive mistakenly perceiving the sensitivity to be a defense..." Can you elaborate on that?
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 2 years ago.
When you ruminate on comments like that you feel sensitive. The sensitivity makes you feel that you were afflicted or that you're not worthy (sometimes you probably believe that) That is your mind's way of mistakenly showing you that you were correct and the other person wrong (in this case he was wrong to have said that) It is true, his comment is not nice but your mind then took that comment and what you told yourself after that afflicted you with more pain than his mere comment and he was not even intending to hurt you. The sensitivity then is in a way acting as a defense redirecting your mind to what he said or did rather then letting you focus on what you're doing to your emotions after the fact. The sensitivity plays games with your logical mind.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I understand now. thank you. the sensitivity was taking over. i guess i just needed the ok to let the comment go ( after telling him it wasn't ok with me ) and that i'm not being foolish by "putting up with" these kinds of jokes. i know everyone makes mistakes and he was truly sorry... he even cried at the sight of how hurt i was. sometimes i wonder if my low self esteem is made worse by such comments rather than just my reaction to them. he's a continual joker and i have tried to accept that, but sometimes i wish for more compliments and less jokes. :) he can't make me have self confidence i know, but love and support can really help.
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 2 years ago.
Yes, even if it is a joke to him you have to speak up if it is not funny to you. Your self esteem will be affected by comments like that as well as your reaction to them (both are factors) Your reaction may be totally different if your self esteem was healthier. The self esteem is something you've built over time. It had responded to comments by parents, peers and later on within adult relationships (although adults censor themselves more) Such comments can be triggering emotional reactions within you on a subconcsious level as well. Compliments would be better than jokes. You also have to think about that he may be saying things like that because he himself does not feel too good about himself and is instead projecting these onto you by his comments (he may not even be aware that is what he's doing)
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
Dr Rossi and 4 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you. I think his self esteem is also a factor in all of this. We truly love each other and also have our "issues". One of our core issues is this very dynamic. Hopefully over time we can learn which buttons not to push in each other and create a relationship built on even more mutual appreciation and trust. That is the goal!

 

Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 2 years ago.
Every couple has issues. The important thing is to keep your communication open (and it seems that you're doing that already) Personal change takes time and effort and then can lead to positive transformation of the relationship.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
YES!

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