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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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We were together 4 yrs, split up for 1 yr then got back together

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We were together 4 yrs, split up for 1 yr then got back together again for a further year and finally split up 3 weeks ago :( The love was very strong but we did have a fair few issues but he was desperate for kids and I am unsure (which we both knew from day 1), also think I am scared of commitment (even tho we have just turned 40!). Even during the year apart, the longest we had no contact was 3 weeks. We was due to go on holiday yesterday for our 40th birthdays but obviously couldnt despite him asking if we could, as friends! I said no. Today he has text and gotten very cruel, said he is moving on, has been on 2 dates and she lives near me so I may bump into them! GREAT. A part of me thinks hes saying it to hurt me, and get a reaction (which he did!), or whether he truly has. But why bother telling me? He also said sex had fizzled out and was no longer fun. Again, another area he knows I am insecure about. But surely if it was that bad he wouldnt of stayed with me 5 yrs and he still wanted to be with me IF I would move in with him asap and try for a baby next year? I know he still loves me, as do I love him, but its an impossible situation. Am just really hurt that 3 weeks ago he wanted to be with me (even today he said he was gutted we couldnt be together), yet has found someone else so soon, although he says they arent a couple, they are just chatting, yet earlier he said they had been on 2 dates! I told him I wished him all the best (despite me not meaning that!) and said just be careful it wasnt rebound. He said "its not rebound, its called moving on and no point dwelling in the past". So i'm left feeling like a total failure and in tears, whilst hes out on dates having fun. Why is he being so hurtful with his comments? :(
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

Sometimes when people break up they handle pain and anger very differently. Some people choose meaningless sex, some relationships, some isolation and others drugs. Every person handles the situation differently. He is handling it one way and you another. He has chosen in his resentment to flaunt his ability to get women in front of you. This serves many purposes. It says look how attractive I am I can date these women already. It hurts you because then you think about these women and being with him. And it boosts his ego. He may be resentful of the fact that you would not have children with him. It may have hurt his ego. The things you wouldn't do have obviously became sources of resentment. He handles this by making you unhappy because he is "dating". In the end this is about his bruised ego and his resentment that he didn't get what he wanted. I wouldn't worry too much. Any relationship he has already is a rebound and they don't have a great success rate. He is just blowing smoke when he says they aren't. He is acting very childishly and his need to brag about it proves that he is just behaving in a way that is out of resentment. He isn't meeting quality people after a few weeks and they will have to deal with his ego eventually that the relationship is not built on anything substantial.


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Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Yes he is acting very childishly, and this is a man just turned 40. It has become abit of a cycle for us, falling out, getting verbally nasty via text, then making up and forgetting it happened, BUT never actually dealing with any of our issues, which we were both at fault for, although more so him cos he will NOT talk about things. He is very stubborn, he just sulks, goes in a mood for a few days, then back to normal.


My family/ friends beleive he loves me alot and he is hurting an this is his only way to express it, by hurting me, and its working :( I would love nothing more than for us to live happily ever after, have our own little family etc, but with his behaviour and making me feel recently that I am just a womb to him, did not make me want to move in with him anytime soon an certainly not have his child when I dont even know if I want kids!


In my eyes, he shouldve been making me feel like the most special person in the world to him, and TRYING to make things right and make me feel secure so I would want to have his child. I suggested couple counselling as both have issues but he refuses. I am seeing a counsellor but no point doing it all by myself eh! Just wish he would see that his childish nasty behaviour and game playing is what has caused all this. But he wont or refuses too, its my fault and thats that sort of attitude.


I doubt he will find a perfect relationship THAT easilly and so soon, and if he was over me, why does he keep texting pretty much every other day and why tell me he;d been on 2 dates etc, other than to be nasty.


Its like we cant live with eachother and cant live without eachother either :(


Meanwhile I am here in tears wishing he would see what we could have IF ONLY he was prepared to work at it. and he is on dating sites having a whale of a time not giving me much thought, only when he wants to let out some anger :(


How can you go from loving someone and wanting to settle down with them one day, and less than 3 weeks later out on dates and telling the so called 'love of his life' about them! I couldnt be so cruel :(

Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
I think it is cruel too. You are right. You don't move that fast unless you are hurting and you want to show off. He avoids. Nothing ever gets settled. You may want to think about that as you push forward. That is how he is going to act over the long term when you have a problem. He seems very pushy too. He is just trying to influence your decision. Since you didn't give him the one he wants he is out to influence how you feel by doing hateful things. This is how he treats somebody he cares about? I always tell people how he is treating a woman now could be the way he will treat you in the future. I don't know if without counseling he is ready for a healthy relationship with a strong woman. I think he is acting out of spite
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Do you beleive he is seeing someone that lives by me? or his sarcastic comment of "we may bump into you cos she lives near you"...was a lie just to be hurtful? cos he knows my ex fiance has just moved about 5 min away from me an we are still friends, and he never liked that and got in a strop when I said I didnt want to remain friends with him as it was too hard cos I still loved him. To which he responded with "I must be the only ex you wont stay friends with, lucky Keith has moved close by (Keith being ex fiance).


I dont feel I am a strong woman, as surely I wouldnt of stayed all these years?.. When we were good we were great but when it got bad, it was awful :(


I dont think he will be feeling too great with himself today after how he spoke yesterday, cos although he says spiteful things in anger, he sometimes does then try to soften the blow so to speak. An I remember when we first met, he said about an ex giving him grief so he blocked her online, and then said, "i felt awful doing that, but we only dated for 6 weeks, I dont need her grief". so he does have a conscience, deep deep inside!


His mum now hates me an thinks her poor little boy is the victim.. God, if she only knew the real truth :(



Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
Mum always thinks her child/adult is the victim. He may have a conscience - 3 weeks is not a long time. Some people would have ignored her. However his other rude and insensitive behavior towards you is another thing. He is showing you what he is capable of so take notice. He is willing to treat you this way and that is the alarming part of this. Be mindful of that. He seems very willing to put you through things to make himself feel better.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I emailed him last night and suggested counselling again as it may help him understand my doubts/worries re: babies and also help us both deal with other issues as we clearly cant do it by ourselves.


I also said he shouldve told me if he wasnt happy with our sex life instead of telling me in a nasty way via text! and it wasnt cos I didnt want to have fun like we used too, I just couldnt because of all the pain I am in down below and awaiting an operation to sort it.


I then said "take care and I hope you find your Mrs right x" he replied "thankyou xx" THAT was it, no mention of counselling, sex etc. just thanked me for wishing him luck finding his future wife etc. Why didnt he respond? is it because he doesnt know what to say, or to admit counselling would help because HE has problems too, an its not just one sided! or is he really moving on ALREADY?

Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
It is doubtful that he has moved on already. It seems more probable that he doesn't know what to say or he is self conscious about what he can say. It doesn't seem that he is able to really relate his feelings so I guess that was what was expected. People that doesn't know how to share their feelings are often resistant to the very counseling that would help that. The inability to want to share their feelings leaves them resistant to counseling. I would keep trying and give him other opportunities before you give up. If he can't face up to this option at some point then he isn't as motivated as he needs to be.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

What other options are there?


We've broken up quite a few times over the years and always gotten back together, which must mean there is a strong connection on both sides?


He has never been good at communicating tho :(

He has got it into his head that I am scared of commitment (which may be true) and said if I am not even prepared to try moving into HIS house to see how we got on, then whats the point staying together and wasting more of one anothers lives. (cos of his desperation for a child) and I do understand why he would rather move on than risk wasting more time with me incase I never change my mind about kids etc. But I cant make him see, WHY I have doubts, which is why I think a counsellor would be the best option. Still no guarantees it would help, but at least I was prepared to try, and I think if he loves me as much as he says, then why wont he at least TRY this option?

Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
A counselor would be the best option. I would get him motivated by letting him know that if you got a counselor this person could help you reach a compromise that could save your relationship. It offers a pay off to him. Tell him that you are so completely motivated that you are willing to go and finally work out a way to be together. I think he might see it a different way
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

But if he;s already been on 2 dates and we;ve only been split for 3 weeks cos he's so desperate to settle down, surely thats his way of telling me, he's given up on us/me an we are truly over?


I texted him this morning AGAIN about wishing he would consider counselling, but he hasnt bothered to reply. So am I just making myself look desperate to a man that told me he had been on 2 dates an I might bump into them cos she lives near me, and he had gone off sex with me?


Should I just accept he isnt prepared to TRY saving the relationship and move on and let go once an for all?

Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
You should always be prepared for the worst. Just so you have your best interests in the forefront. If he isn't answering you then start to step back so that you are prepared for anything. Be patient and see what the next few days bring. Don't focus on his dates. Focus on you alone. If he wants to try he will return your messages. I wouldn't try anymore today; you don't want to look desparate.
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