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Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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I was dating a guy for a few months who i fell in love with

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I was dating a guy for a few months who i fell in love with but he broke it off because although he loved everything about me he said he didn't know if he could love me more as a girlfriend & felt underserving of me (this all happened after he became down due to overworking, etc). I know he had been treated badly in the past. He cried for days after he told me. Since then however we have become so much closer & are each other's best friends. We are always in contact. We can chat for hours most nights on the phone & it's feels like he uses any excuse to contact or see me, & when we are together as friends i've noticed how he likes to get close, any excuse to touch me & the past two times I have stayed over we have slept in same bed & i've woken to find him cuddling me or really close. When we were together I could tell by the way he looked at me that he felt something & I see it in his eyes still. He wants to spend New Years with me & has even asked me to go away with him next year & has got me more involved with his family.

Im so confused as to what to do because I love him so much. He says he couldn't bear to ever lose me/our friendship. I feel that maybe it was time that he needed & didn't realise how he really felt as feelings don't happen overnight.

Do you think it seems he feels more for me than he realises? Is this more than a friendship in his eyes?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 2 years ago.

Thank you for bringing your question to Just Answer!

This is a tricky situation. He's already told you he's not in love with you. Yet, his behavior seems to indicate otherwise at times. The problem is, that without a frank conversation, you could end up spending your holidays with someone who regards XXXXX XXXXX a dear friend, but not a potential wife. And, while you're spending that time with him, you will be missing out on meeting someone who is ready to commit. I know he's said he can't bear to lose you--but without the actions to back that up (a commitment) he doesn't have the right to ask for you to be only with him. And you'd be making a mistake to commit to someone who won't commit to you.

Be careful about trying to interpret the look in someone's eyes--it's too easy to see what we want to see. You have nothing to lose by asking him where he sees the relationship going in the future. If he wants you to be in his life, but doesn't see you as a lover/partner/wife, you need to know that. Otherwise, you could be wasting time that should be spent looking for someone who will move the moon and stars to be with you.

A great book for you to read would be Temptations of the Single Girl The
"temptations" are thinking that we can change a man or his behavior, settling
for a man who doesn't want a commitment when we really want marriage at some
point, and wasting time with the wrong man because we're afraid to be alone.

He may be a man who is afraid to commit at all, or he may still be carrying a torch for his ex. Without a conversation with him, you'll never know. When a man says he wishes you were the one, that's a pretty sure sign that he's not heading toward marriage with you. To see if that has changed since his depression has lifted, you're going to have to ask the tough questions of him directly. Don't convince yourself that he will somehow 'grow to love you' ...we get too many letters here from men who married when they knew they weren't head over heels for the woman--and who are now cheating, looking for that 'in love' feeling. You deserve a man who is deeply and madly in love with you. Don't settle for less.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

It is a very tricky situation. I know he doesn't hold any feelings for his exes, in fact he has hates them (his family have confirmed this) & has destroyed any evidence such as photos, etc, whereas evidence of me is there for everyone. He thinks he has never been in love. I am the only girl his whole family like, and we are all very close, in fact i go out with his mum & siblings.

It's even trickier because everyone who saw us when we were "together" have said they never saw him so happy & I know his family & friends would love us to get back together.

I feel that he is confused with how he feels.

Expert:  Suzanne replied 2 years ago.
It will all depend if you can stand him feeling like he loves you, but is not 'in love' with you, which is what seems to be going on here. Some women would not be able to live with this, but if you can---then hang in there, keep doing what you're doing, and hope that one of these days he comes to his senses and realizes what a good thing he has going with you.

It might be worth trying letting him know that you're thinking about getting ready to start dating again. His reaction to that statement should tell you if he cares if you're with someone else or not.
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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