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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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My boyfriend of 5 years and I have recently seperated. We

Customer Question

My boyfriend of 5 years and I have recently seperated. We have a child together. We communicate every day still, have hung out a few times. We have even been intimate. We've gone to therapy (3 sessions). He keeps going back and forth as to whether or not he wants to be with me. I love him very much, and have accepted responsibility for the mistakes I have done in the past, I don't believe he has. I've changed old behaviors and am really trying hard to make this work. He says he needs time and space, he won't say he's still committed to me, which hurts, since I have expressed I am still committed to him. I'm confused as to what I should be doing in this situation. He thinks fixing the relationship should be put on hold, while he gets his finances in order and adjusts to his new job. I disagree, and so did our therapist. I believe the relationship needs work now. I don't know how to work on it, if he's unwilling to.  Is there a way to salvage this, if I can't make him get past his stubbornness? He's said that he just wants to feel angry, and I understand.  But I feel it's important for us to get past this in a time efficient manner.  Not wait 6 months before we actually start working on it. 
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

I would love to say that tomorrow he will change his mind, but it seems that his mind is made up. You have a chance to fix this as evidenced by being intimate and being on good terms. You may have to wait this out. The good thing is that he isn't saying it's over and that he doesn't want to consider it, he is just asking for time. He may have the personality that doesn't deal well with a lot of stress at one time and by pushing he may want to give up. By allowing this time you have a chance to be taken seriously and a willingness to focus on the relationship. He has identified his stressors and they in his mind come first. Of course you should too but his mind doesn't seem to comprehend that or want to consider it. It is up to you but you can't change his decision.


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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
So should we continue to be physically involved and continue meeting with eachother? For example, we agreed to take our son to a park in the afternoons we are both available. In doing so, should I just not bring up the relationship and continue with casual conversation? Also, I don't know what to do when he's angry with me.
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
You shouldn't be physically involved because you have no relationship now. That only makes the situation more complicated. If you think you may get back together you can get together periodically but know that you are taking a big chance. You are keeping your heart on the line and it may backfire. There is nothing wrong with interacting with your son. If he is angry then you need to keep your distance. Don't take communications when he is angry. You don't have to deal with that when you aren't together. If you respond then he will continue doing this. You have to learn how to separate yourself. otherwise nothing will change.

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