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Ask Dr. Shirley Schaye Your Own Question

Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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My new partner is an old friend I have known since we were

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My new partner is an old friend I have known since we were children. I am separated and awaiting divorce, my partner was widowed 4 years ago. We are both 55. We live some distance apart so meet up at hotels for overnight stays. He is absolutely lovely, a good friend and a gentleman who treats me like a lady - except for one thing which is really bugging me. He smokes but I don't. This in itself is not a big problem, he is trying to give up but at the moment has a lot of stress as he has his own business which is struggling and his deceased wife helped him to run it. I have been supportive and encourage him to give up without nagging. However, when we stay overnight he never brings a toothbrush or cleans his teeth before making love and I hate being kissed because his breath and mouth smell like a stale ashtray. I have made jokes about his "fag breath" but this hasn't changed anything. I couldn't believe it when last weekend he got up and asked if I had a spare toothbrush so he could clean his teeth before breakfast! I didn't have one so he cleaned his teeth with some of my toothpaste on a tissue. I told him I found this incredible as he couldn't be bothered to do that before kissing me - he just laughed. I thought I might buy a spare toothbrush and take it with me next time but this makes me feel like his mother when I want to be his lover. He is so lovely in every other way but I feel disappointed by his inconsideration. What do you suggest?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for contacting Just Answer. WELL!!!! A complicated issue here! First of all, before I get into the toothbrush stuff I would tell him SMOKING CAUSES CANCER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let's look for programmes to help you stop smoking, I would say. BTW, what did his deceased wife die from? I would say, I don't want to lose you to cancer so let's see what we can do.

Apropos, the toothbrush, if he keeps forgetting to bring a toothbrush, I would bring one with. Also, most hotels have toothbrushes, toothpaste, soap, shampoo if you ask. So what I am basically saying is that I wouldn't make a big deal about the toothbrush. I would also NEVER buy fake cigarettes and stand outside and smoke with him. That is giving the wrong message. It's like saying that smoking is OK. It's not!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND ... ... Nor is it OK to breathe in his second hand smoke.
So again, do some research on your own about programmes( in your area) to help people stop smoking. Just say, I don't want you to die from lung cancer. Let me do everything I can to help you stop.

I'll pause here and await your response to see if there is anything you would
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Dr. Shirley Schaye
Thank you for your reply and sorry for the delay, I have been away from the computer for a while. You were right to wonder - his wife died of lung cancer which is why I find it incredible that he continues to smoke. Perhaps I haven't made my feelings clear - too many jokes. I have been encouraging him to stop but as I don't live thaat close to him, I don't see him for weeks at a time.I also wanted to ask if smoking could be a cause of impotence? This has been a problem, he hasn't been able to get an erection on so many occasions and when he does, he loses it very quickly.
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 3 years ago.
So no jokes about the smoking --- his wife died of lung cancer. You need to make your feelings clear. It is not a joke that he smokes.

No, smoking would not be a cause of impotence. Is he on any medications? Has he discussed this matter with his doctor to determine what is causing the impotence.
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience: PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 3 years ago.
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