Hi and thanks for writing JA
are you there?
okay I am sorry I missed you online for live chat if you can let me know when you plan to be back online I would like to work on this with you
Yes, I am..
Hi.. can you see my responses?
okay so let us know when you are back online and one of us will be happy to help you on this
warm regards, Cathy
I am here now..
okay good to see you and hope you are holding up well
I have read your post and the answer to your first question is that yes some relationships do recover
even after physical abuse some do
okay so which if you is abusing alcohol?
you or he?
me more recently than he..
okay so what you probably do not know is that alcoholism is very easily treated
and when removed from a relationship all does go very well
yes.. once the indivdiual recognizes the problem.
do you understand that this is a genetic illness and not a character flaw?
no I didn't know..
are you there? It says you are offline?
and that most rehabs and programs do not work to helpokay so that is a start
You have had one really tough time here
both of you it seems
and no neither of you are crazy
so we can dismiss that part right now
ok so you tell me how to best help you on this
tell me what you think you need?
okay I can refer you but that is very expensive
if that is what you wish I can do that
any other less expensive methods?
well I dont think so
but I would first address the alcoholism and that might sort things out for you
what else can we do?
without giving me any personal info can you tell me what state and county you live in and perhaps we can decide from there>
yes.. "he" suggests I get help.. which I do tend to lose control.. but he still isn't facing his participation in the issues
of course not
why should he
new york my home state
where in NY please
why shouldn't he,.. he points my faults out to me constantly.. why should he be remiss?
you are so close to so much help, queens?
he is blaming you for him
okay you are smack dab in the best possible place for help
what part of Queens may I ask?
well currently I'm working at a rehab place in Harlem.
on my lunch hour for community service..
I'm in St. Albans..
great so you are near Columbia Presbyterian
you are near 125th Street
so you are saying he is right.. I am at fault..
No Of course not
yes.. 124th Street.. and 8th..
he is one his way over here now.. he really is more interested in staying "sexual" than discusing the issues..
okay good so you know where Columbia Presbyterian is?
not really, but I could find it..
well you might have to decide what is best for you
I cant say but you might have to make a break on this
I'm not playing "booty call" for him..
do you wish to speak to him tonight and talk to me again tomorrow?
I would hope not
you tell me what works best
I would like to speak to him tonight.. but he's not receptive to it..
you would be willing to talk to him tonight?
you work very close to one of the best programs there is
you cant talk to me tomorrow
(he's currently at his favorite watering hole)..
LOLya know I dont think so
Yes, I can.. but it would have to be late.. I have a seminar tomorrow evening..
if he is loaded he will just curse me out right?
okay so why dont we try to meet up here tomorrow and chat
No, actually he likes to play Mr. "I'm alright.. you need to stop drinking though" authority..
and if I dont see you I will leave you the info?
he is hurting from what has happened.. but I have a hard time getting him to admit the part he's played..
okay be careful please
dont get hurt please
and I am happy to meet up with you again tomorrow
be careful girl
I won't.. he won't initiate the physical,.. he will antagonize me.. which he can't do,.. I haven't been drinking..
good for you
must you go now?
I will try to help you anyway I can
is there a limit?
no I dont have to go
I guess I am in need of speaking with someone, beyond talking to him..
I am sure of this
as a man, he feels he needs to tell me all the answers for me to take care of myself..
its been kinda hard on you
yes.. among other things..
thats the way it goes often
are you sure you love him enough to put up with this?
but he can get very condescending.. and it's very irritating.
over the long term
that's an interesting question..
oh heck yea
can you deal with this over the long term?
I don't know.. I'd like to see a little more light at the end of the tunnel.
and you know I cant answer that for you
he prioritizes his friends over and above me..
so on that score you are your own best expert
yes, I understand..
well that does not feel good
he puts his friends over you
that feels pretty lousy to me
no, it doesn't..
no> explain that to me please
at times he includes me when he's hanging out with them..
(no, it doesn't feel good when he does that!)
but you say he puts them over you
(or he USED to include me).
and that feels awful to me
so tell me the truth
aside from all else
do you really want this man?
is he your ever after?
yes,.. if we have plans for an evening.. and someone "needs" him to take them home.. or discuss something.. then I'm on th eback burner..
god from heaven?
but he is not your end all?
God from heaven? LOL,.. I'm not quite sure about that part..
just a guy you are involved with?
I don't even believe in that anymore..
how old are you?
the "every after" type of guy..
50 -- far too old to be experiencing this..
I'm sure you thought I was in my 20's..
and so his he.
yes of course
we really do have to talk girl
we really have to talk
lots and lots to talk about
what do you do for a living
where do you work
I'm an office manager at a library..
I'd rather not say.. sorry..
very nice job
it can be.. :)
oh no really?
the people are greaty.. the atmosphere is cool..
I love NYC libraries
he's here hold on..
Its part of what I miss most about NYC
where are you now?
sitting in my living room
dog next to me
LOL.. I mean state?
I retired to MA about six years ago
but I worked in the city for 30 years
oh.. that sounds nice..
I used to consider going to school for psychology..
we dont have pizza here though
so that sucks
until I realize dI would probably go broke making myself my only customer..
I am so sure that is not so
you'll have to come back and get some..
I love pizza and there is none here
why would you say that about yourself?
thats a terrible thing to say about yourself
why would you do that?
Ok.. he's here.. searching for the Yankees..
okay so let us talk tomorrow?
I dont want to provoke any problems more with you two
actually to answer your question..
no.. not provokig..
we can speak tomorrow and I will look for you here
do I have to pay again..? Having financial woes (much like the rest of the world)..
before I go.. (which I'm really not anxious about doing right now..l)
just do not press accept and we can meet back here again
do you see any hope in this --
I see hope for you
ok.. not sure I'm following.
what about "us"..
well I think if you know the problem you can fix it
I know there hope for me.
but I dont think you can force him
okay good so you know there is hope for you then
do you love him a lot?
a very lot?
yes.. a very very lot..
okay so then we can talk more about this tomorrow and see what you can do to help
is that okay with you?
I do understand
I just told him what I was doing - he feels the only issue is my drinking..
okay well then I back off my previous statement
If he wont take responsibilty for his drinking than all I can do is advise you
cant talk to him if he is not sober either so I am going to goand if you wish I will catch you again tomorrow
night now girl
I'm coming back..
and I so believe he really wants this to work..
but I can't help but to feel frustrated..
(ok.. I've suggested --- he see what I'm typing).. his response is "its more your violence -- you make bad decisions when YOU get drunk"..
He is not a typically violent person..
He just seems to "egg me on" in an argument..
and I lose my temper,.. thus losing control..
are you there? (understand your silence)..
will see you tomorrow.
I had to go to talk to another customer for a moment.
I will be back online tomorrow and I do hope we can speak then. Until then take good care of you,. Cathy
Just jumped on to see if you were here..
Please don't feel that I am a "helpless" soul.. more so a "helpless" romantic.. and I still have not gotten my skin thickened enough. I don't have to be with this one man.. I don't HAVE to be with any man, though I really do prefer good company.
(I'm actually just babbling until we can communicate again, and just to give you a little feed back on me.
What I have been going through (which he has been feeding a false sense of support to)
is a feeling of displacement, I am looking for a place to live, and I haven't found one yet.. my grandmother lives alone in DC and has inquired if I could come to live with her, because she is in no way, shape or form, coming to NY to live with me..
for whatever reason it is taking me several moments to sign on here to JA tonight so clearly I am having some tech issues from my end? are you free to talk about this tomorrow? I would love to work with you more on this? thanks so much for your patience. Cathy.If you could just write back and say FOR CATHY
I would be happy to work with you further on this.
best wishes and no problem at all if you cannot wait I can easily opt out and allow others to weigh in. Let me know please? warm regards, Cathy
For Cathy: Yes, I would love for you to work with me on this...
I will be available to speak around 8:30 if you are free if not, please let me know and I will make a point of freeing up my schedule..