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Ask Cathy Your Own Question

Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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Could a relationship bounce back after physical abuse

Customer Question

Could a relationship bounce back after physical abuse has been present? Are there any factors that can help two people who obviously "care" about each other but can't seem to get over the obvious pain each has suffered from the other (one more physical the other more emotional)? We can't seem to move on because we've invested so much time and energy, and when the times are good. they are very good.. but when feelings of rejection occur, (and alcohol is present), I get very hurt, then angry and when he throws in hurtful words, I feel like he just doesn't care. He insists that I am the agressor, and I feel his all about the propaganda and pushes buttons to see what type of response he could get. This has developed moreover the past year and a half (approximately). He insnists he loves me,.. and with the exception of the "violence" wants to be with me. I feel that he is a sweet man, but has issues with rejection from his past wife which prevents hiim from opening up to me (though he has suggested he was much more open with her). He even contacted her to invite her to go away with him when he knew I was going to be out of town. (I didn't know it at the time, but had a strong sense that something was up -- and had a severe outburst after bringing it to his attention and hiim calling me crazy and stupid, though he knew what he had done) Sometimes I think back and realize he couldn't possibly be serious about loving me if he can do something like this.. yet, he wown't stay away, which leads me to believe either he's as masochistic as I am, or he really does want to be with me. Ok, which one of us (or both) are crazy,.. and do you think there is any hope in this union?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 2 years ago.

Cathy :

Hi and thanks for writing JA

Cathy :

are you there?

Cathy :

hello?

Cathy :

are you there?

Cathy :

okay I am sorry I missed you online for live chat if you can let me know when you plan to be back online I would like to work on this with you

Cathy :

are you there?

Cathy :

hello?

Customer :

Yes, I am..

Cathy :

are you there?

Customer :

hello..

Customer :

hello???

Cathy :

hello?

Customer :

Hi.. can you see my responses?

Cathy :

okay so let us know when you are back online and one of us will be happy to help you on this

Cathy :

warm regards, Cathy

Customer :

I am here now..

Customer :

Hello..

Cathy :

okay good to see you and hope you are holding up well

Customer :

hello..

Cathy :

I have read your post and the answer to your first question is that yes some relationships do recover

Customer :

ok?

Cathy :

even after physical abuse some do

Customer :

ok..

Cathy :

okay so which if you is abusing alcohol?

Cathy :

you or he?

Customer :

both..

Customer :

me more recently than he..

Cathy :

okay so what you probably do not know is that alcoholism is very easily treated

Cathy :

and when removed from a relationship all does go very well

Customer :

yes.. once the indivdiual recognizes the problem.

Cathy :

do you understand that this is a genetic illness and not a character flaw?

Customer :

no I didn't know..

Customer :

are you there? It says you are offline?

Cathy :

and that most rehabs and programs do not work to help
okay so that is a start

Cathy :

You have had one really tough time here

Cathy :

both of you it seems

Cathy :

and no neither of you are crazy

Cathy :

so we can dismiss that part right now

Customer :

ok

Cathy :

ok so you tell me how to best help you on this

Cathy :

tell me what you think you need?

Customer :

a mediator..

Cathy :

okay I can refer you but that is very expensive

Cathy :

if that is what you wish I can do that

Customer :

any other less expensive methods?

Cathy :

well I dont think so

Cathy :

but I would first address the alcoholism and that might sort things out for you

Customer :

what else can we do?

Cathy :

without giving me any personal info can you tell me what state and county you live in and perhaps we can decide from there>

Customer :

yes.. "he" suggests I get help.. which I do tend to lose control.. but he still isn't facing his participation in the issues

Customer :

New York..

Cathy :

of course not

Cathy :

why should he

Cathy :

new york my home state

Cathy :

LOL

Cathy :

where in NY please

Customer :

Queens..

Cathy :

really?

Customer :

why shouldn't he,.. he points my faults out to me constantly.. why should he be remiss?

Cathy :

you are so close to so much help, queens?

Cathy :

LOL

Customer :

yes

Cathy :

he is blaming you for him

Cathy :

okay you are smack dab in the best possible place for help

Cathy :

what part of Queens may I ask?

Customer :

well currently I'm working at a rehab place in Harlem.

Customer :

on my lunch hour for community service..

Customer :

I'm in St. Albans..

Cathy :

great so you are near Columbia Presbyterian

Cathy :

good

Customer :

ok..

Cathy :

you are near 125th Street

Cathy :

so

Customer :

so you are saying he is right.. I am at fault..

Cathy :

No Of course not

Customer :

yes.. 124th Street.. and 8th..

Customer :

he is one his way over here now.. he really is more interested in staying "sexual" than discusing the issues..

Cathy :

okay good so you know where Columbia Presbyterian is?

Cathy :

near you

Cathy :

very close

Customer :

not really, but I could find it..

Cathy :

well you might have to decide what is best for you

Cathy :

I cant say but you might have to make a break on this

Customer :

I'm not playing "booty call" for him..

Cathy :

do you wish to speak to him tonight and talk to me again tomorrow?

Cathy :

I would hope not

Cathy :

you tell me what works best

Customer :

I would like to speak to him tonight.. but he's not receptive to it..

Customer :

you would be willing to talk to him tonight?

Cathy :

you work very close to one of the best programs there is

Cathy :

you cant talk to me tomorrow

Customer :

(he's currently at his favorite watering hole)..

Cathy :

LOL
ya know I dont think so

Customer :

Yes, I can.. but it would have to be late.. I have a seminar tomorrow evening..

Cathy :

if he is loaded he will just curse me out right?

Cathy :

okay so why dont we try to meet up here tomorrow and chat

Customer :

No, actually he likes to play Mr. "I'm alright.. you need to stop drinking though" authority..

Cathy :

and if I dont see you I will leave you the info?

Cathy :

>LOL
so funny

Customer :

he is hurting from what has happened.. but I have a hard time getting him to admit the part he's played..

Cathy :

okay be careful please

Cathy :

dont get hurt please

Cathy :

and I am happy to meet up with you again tomorrow

Cathy :

be careful girl

Customer :

I won't.. he won't initiate the physical,.. he will antagonize me.. which he can't do,.. I haven't been drinking..

Cathy :

good for you

Customer :

must you go now?

Cathy :

I will try to help you anyway I can

Customer :

is there a limit?

Cathy :

no I dont have to go

Cathy :

no limit

Customer :

I guess I am in need of speaking with someone, beyond talking to him..

Cathy :

I am sure of this

Customer :

as a man, he feels he needs to tell me all the answers for me to take care of myself..

Cathy :

its been kinda hard on you

Cathy :

of course

Customer :

yes.. among other things..

Cathy :

thats the way it goes often

Cathy :

are you sure you love him enough to put up with this?

Customer :

but he can get very condescending.. and it's very irritating.

Cathy :

over the long term

Customer :

that's an interesting question..

Cathy :

oh heck yea

Cathy :

can you deal with this over the long term?

Customer :

I don't know.. I'd like to see a little more light at the end of the tunnel.

Cathy :

and you know I cant answer that for you

Customer :

he prioritizes his friends over and above me..

Cathy :

so on that score you are your own best expert

Customer :

yes, I understand..

Cathy :

well that does not feel good

Cathy :

he puts his friends over you

Cathy :

that feels pretty lousy to me

Customer :

no, it doesn't..

Cathy :

no> explain that to me please

Customer :

at times he includes me when he's hanging out with them..

Customer :

(no, it doesn't feel good when he does that!)

Cathy :

but you say he puts them over you

Customer :

(or he USED to include me).

Cathy :

and that feels awful to me

Cathy :

okay

Cathy :

so tell me the truth

Cathy :

aside from all else

Cathy :

do you really want this man?

Cathy :

is he your ever after?

Cathy :

soulmate?

Customer :

yes,.. if we have plans for an evening.. and someone "needs" him to take them home.. or discuss something.. then I'm on th eback burner..

Cathy :

god from heaven?

Cathy :

but he is not your end all?

Customer :

God from heaven? LOL,.. I'm not quite sure about that part..

Cathy :

just a guy you are involved with?

Cathy :

LOL

Cathy :

so funny

Customer :

I don't even believe in that anymore..

Cathy :

how old are you?

Customer :

the "every after" type of guy..

Customer :

50 -- far too old to be experiencing this..

Cathy :

oh my

Customer :

I'm sure you thought I was in my 20's..

Customer :

and so his he.

Cathy :

yes of course

Cathy :

we really do have to talk girl

Cathy :

we really have to talk

Customer :

LOL..

Cathy :

lots and lots to talk about

Customer :

preach it..

Customer :

LOL

Cathy :

what do you do for a living

Cathy :

where do you work

Customer :

I'm an office manager at a library..

Cathy :

nice job

Customer :

I'd rather not say.. sorry..

Cathy :

very nice job

Customer :

it can be.. :)

Cathy :

oh no really?

Customer :

the people are greaty.. the atmosphere is cool..

Cathy :

I love NYC libraries

Customer :

cool..

Customer :

he's here hold on..

Customer :

PLEASE..

Cathy :

Its part of what I miss most about NYC

Customer :

where are you now?

Cathy :

sitting in my living room

Cathy :

dog next to me

Customer :

LOL.. I mean state?

Cathy :

I retired to MA about six years ago

Cathy :

but I worked in the city for 30 years

Customer :

oh.. that sounds nice..

Customer :

I used to consider going to school for psychology..

Cathy :

its okay

Cathy :

we dont have pizza here though

Cathy :

so that sucks

Customer :

until I realize dI would probably go broke making myself my only customer..

Cathy :

I am so sure that is not so

Customer :

you'll have to come back and get some..

Cathy :

I love pizza and there is none here

Cathy :

why would you say that about yourself?

Cathy :

thats a terrible thing to say about yourself

Cathy :

why would you do that?

Customer :

Ok.. he's here.. searching for the Yankees..

Cathy :

okay so let us talk tomorrow?

Cathy :

I dont want to provoke any problems more with you two

Customer :

actually to answer your question..

Customer :

no.. not provokig..

Cathy :

we can speak tomorrow and I will look for you here

Customer :

do I have to pay again..? Having financial woes (much like the rest of the world)..

Cathy :

nope

Customer :

before I go.. (which I'm really not anxious about doing right now..l)

Cathy :

just do not press accept and we can meet back here again

Customer :

do you see any hope in this --

Customer :

ok..

Cathy :

nope

Cathy :

ok

Customer :

no hope?

Cathy :

sure

Customer :

wow..

Cathy :

nope

Cathy :

I see hope for you

Customer :

ok.. not sure I'm following.

Customer :

what about "us"..

Cathy :

well I think if you know the problem you can fix it

Customer :

I know there hope for me.

Cathy :

but I dont think you can force him

Cathy :

okay good so you know there is hope for you then

Cathy :

do you love him a lot?

Cathy :

a very lot?

Customer :

yes.. a very very lot..

Cathy :

okay so then we can talk more about this tomorrow and see what you can do to help

Cathy :

is that okay with you?

Customer :

hold on..

Cathy :

I do understand

Customer :

I just told him what I was doing - he feels the only issue is my drinking..

Cathy :

okay well then I back off my previous statement

Cathy :

If he wont take responsibilty for his drinking than all I can do is advise you

Cathy :

cant talk to him if he is not sober either so I am going to go
and if you wish I will catch you again tomorrow

Cathy :

night now girl

Customer :

you will..

Customer :

I'm coming back..

Customer :

and I so believe he really wants this to work..

Customer :

but I can't help but to feel frustrated..

Customer :

(ok.. I've suggested --- he see what I'm typing).. his response is "its more your violence -- you make bad decisions when YOU get drunk"..

Customer :

He is not a typically violent person..

Customer :

He just seems to "egg me on" in an argument..

Customer :

and I lose my temper,.. thus losing control..

Customer :

are you there? (understand your silence)..

Customer :

will see you tomorrow.

Customer :

g'nite..

Cathy :

I had to go to talk to another customer for a moment.

Cathy :

I will be back online tomorrow and I do hope we can speak then. Until then take good care of you,. Cathy

Customer :

Just jumped on to see if you were here..

Customer :

Please don't feel that I am a "helpless" soul.. more so a "helpless" romantic.. and I still have not gotten my skin thickened enough. I don't have to be with this one man.. I don't HAVE to be with any man, though I really do prefer good company.

Customer :

(I'm actually just babbling until we can communicate again, and just to give you a little feed back on me.

Customer :

What I have been going through (which he has been feeding a false sense of support to)

Customer :

is a feeling of displacement, I am looking for a place to live, and I haven't found one yet.. my grandmother lives alone in DC and has inquired if I could come to live with her, because she is in no way, shape or form, coming to NY to live with me..

Cathy :

for whatever reason it is taking me several moments to sign on here to JA tonight so clearly I am having some tech issues from my end? are you free to talk about this tomorrow? I would love to work with you more on this? thanks so much for your patience. Cathy.

If you could just write back and say FOR CATHY

Cathy :

I would be happy to work with you further on this.

Cathy :

best wishes and no problem at all if you cannot wait I can easily opt out and allow others to weigh in. Let me know please? warm regards, Cathy

Customer :

For Cathy: Yes, I would love for you to work with me on this...

Customer :

I will be available to speak around 8:30 if you are free if not, please let me know and I will make a point of freeing up my schedule..

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