Hi, I wanted to let you know that Steven Olsen is not an Expert in the relationship category so he will not see your question. You may want to move your question to the mental health category so he can see it and answer you.
Yes, I would like to help you.
One of the hardest things to do is to let go of a betrayal. For letting go often feels like you are making yourself vulnerable again to being hurt. And a person's very nature goes against leaving yourself open to being hurt.
You feel betrayed and your trust was taken. This can make you feel you were taken advantage of and it can make you feel you can't trust your own instincts. At this point, the situation becomes about you and not her. You have dealt with her and there is nothing new to deal with. She is in the past. What is left is how you feel about yourself in the situation.
You were traumatized in this situation. This brings up a lot of feelings about who you feel you are. Your self esteem was attacked and your self worth. To move on, both of these need addressed. Working on increasing both can help you see that your experience was about your ex friend and not about you.
Also, consider forgiving her. Usually, people balk at the very thought. But not forgiving her leaves you stuck in the past. She does not care, she has moved on. You are left to suffer. And by not forgiving her, you don't allow yourself to move on as well. Forgiving someone is about you not about them. It is allowing yourself to let go. It does not mean you forget or that you suddenly develop good feelings about the person that hurt you.
You are doing very good work to help yourself deal with this betrayal. All of the things you have tried or are doing are great. Keep trying. This is a process. It will take time. There is no set time limit to when you should feel better. Be good to yourself and allow for good days and bad days. You will find one day that this has passed and you are able to look back without a lot of pain.
I hope this has helped you,Kate
Also it helped to have you remind me, that there is no timeline on healing. I did not walk away from my husband of 34 years and this is not the first time I learned of his infidelity. THAT was another issue 7 years into our marriage that I THOUGHT we had totally worked through. He has had remorse and I see it on a daily basis, but having had my world shaken, I question now what I see in him, all the time? HIs health has suffered through this all, as has mine. Also, just within these past few months, her husband has been calling leaving profane/angry messages. He still does not know a fraction of the truths and since he is an alcoholic, this is very unsettling given domestic abuse statistics with situtation such as this! His wife continues to manipulate him and life to suit her needs/wants.
I am open to any way to lessen my suffering. I need sleep at night and to get more happiness is life. I find it in helping others, spending time with family,friends, photograpy, and exercise.
This woman really did get into your life and try to harm you. I agree very much with Steve, she is definitely narcissistic and very pathological. It may or may not bring you some peace, but this woman is very much in need of treatment. She sounds quite ill emotionally.
You have been deeply traumatized. And the fact that you are still dealing with this woman's husband leaving such messages only makes this worse. It reopens your wounds and does not allow for healing. I would suggest, if at all possible, that you try to find a way to cut off contact so there is no way they can get to you. If you need to, get the phone company and police involved. This needs to stop.
Also, it may help you to deal with your anger. I don't know if you have already done some work with how angry you feel, but more would not hurt. Something as traumatizing as what happened to you would cause many emotions including very strong anger. Allowing yourself to acknowledge how you feel and working to express it can help a lot. And accepting that all feelings are ok, not right or wrong, helps.
The first thing to do is to get rid of these people in your life. You cannot heal unless they are gone completely. There is no reason for them to still have access to you or to your family. It is the only way to move on from this and begin working on how you feel. Anything you do for your anger is not going to help, because contact with them erases any progress you make.
DId you mean to day anything I do for my anger is NOT going to help?
No not really. I know that sounds discouraging. But by keeping in contact with these people, you are being victimized again and again. It is like getting treatment for PTSD as a soldier, then going back into the war. You are just going to get re traumatized again.
The fact that your ex friend still feels it is ok for her husband to contact you, traumatize you with his verbal abuse, then you are supposed to allow it so he doesn't get hurt tells you how dysfunctional this situation as gotten. At the very least, you should have no contact with this woman or her husband and your husband should be stepping in to prevent any contact. But in your case, you are still fighting a battle that your husband caused and that you are still being victimized in. I am not surprised you are still struggling with your feelings. The situation has never ended and you are still in it.
The best thing you can do is to find ways to end all contact. Then you will be able to work on all of the issues you have as a result of this trauma.