How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dear Debra Your Own Question

Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1818
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Dear Debra is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

after 32 years of marriage and a 7 week trial separation it

Customer Question

after 32 years of marriage and a 7 week trial separation it looks as if my wife wants to end our marriage i am the one who has always wanted to try again and have explored every avenue .i dont know how to carry on as i am still totaly in love with her but she is not with me im so uncertain what to do with my life at 56 i am heartbroken lonely and beside myself i dont want to see a solicitor but i cant carry on in limbo anymore.I cant see past tomorrow and am petrified of the future
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
You have been married for 32 year and tried to give each other a break by separating a week to see how things went. This is something I don't feel you should be testing. In a marriage the biggest thing is communication and understanding. You both need to talk about the things that are wrong in the marriage and how they can be fixed. She is saying she needs space but what she really need is to talk things out so you can help fix the issues she is having. It is important to discuss what is going on. You love her and you both need to see if you can go back to the time when you dirt met how you both felt about each other. You love each other but some times things in life can change how one feels about the other. In 32 years of marriage im sure there has been time where you both struggled or something happened that changed things. Some times she. Certain things happen in life it blocks the persons feelings. The person needs to talk about the problem in order for the person to understand. But usually the person want the one they love to just know and understand. You need to look at when this all started and ask yourself did something change in out marriage or something happened that altered your life together. If you have anymore questions I am here to answer.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
i would love to talk to her and hopefully sort things out but she cant talk to me without getting agitated and shouting she says i will only want to screw her for everything i only want to try aand save the marriage but honestly she thinks its over .
my 20tr old sonand wife are coming to see me tomorrow to try sort things out but i think i am doomed i think she only wants to talk about how to split things up i am so scared
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
The reason why she gets aggravate with you is she is trying to get her point across about how she feels but she might be having trouble telling you her feelings. She also just might wants you to know how she feels without saying it. Because she gets upset with you something has changed her life in some way that she wants you to understand. But she is having trouble talking with you without getting angry which is a normal response. She she begins to get upset explain too her that you both need to communicate without getting upset with each other so you both can solve the problems and moved forward. If she could open up too you so you could understand what is going on with her, I feel you could save the marriage. Right now there is an emotional block that she is just protecting herself from hurt. I want you to make sure she knows you want to save your marriage, she sounds like she thinks you want this and you are going to take everything from her which is not true but make sure she knows that the marriage comes first and you love her.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
this is a tex i sent her yesterday
{hi darling i just called to say i love you (song) xxx
just to let you know that my feelings for you are so deep and still want to be with you it would really difficult and painful foe me if we end our marriage without trying to save it i have made lots of mistakes as have you but you know i love you more than anything in the whole world i love and miss you})she didnt reply my son said you dont get it dad she dont want you my sister in law talked to her and she said she is 99%sure she dont want me im in a lonely place scared and shaking i think they are coming only to sort out business and assets and money not the important isssue of our marriage she wont see a councillor or a doctor
i feel ashamed at losing my wife
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
this is a text i sent her yesterday
{hi darling i just called to say i love you (song) xxx
just to let you know that my feelings for you are so deep and still want to be with you it would really difficult and painful foe me if we end our marriage without trying to save it i have made lots of mistakes as have you but you know i love you more than anything in the whole world i love and miss you})she didnt reply my son said you dont get it dad she dont want you my sister in law talked to her and she said she is 99%sure she dont want me im in a lonely place scared and shaking i think they are coming only to sort out business and assets and money not the important isssue of our marriage she wont see a councillor or a doctor
i feel ashamed at losing my wife
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
She could be very confused about her feelings and even though she has talked to others saying the marriage is over, it dopant mean it is how she truly feels. Often times people say things out of hurt and angers. I think at this point she feels like she can't fix. Things and that its too late, but its never too late to fix your marriage. When she does come to visit this will be the time that you both need to talk things out together. Explain you don't want the marriage to end that you love her ND feel you both need a second chance at your marriage.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1818
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
is it normal for me to feel nervous scared frightened shaking inside.i am petrified she might only want to talk about seperation if she does what do you think is my best plan of action.as i am sure we could both sort out the business properties etc if she wont talk about saving the marriage should i just agree and try and get on with my life.I am at the present in limbo and really think she only wants to talk about material conclusions not trying to save the marriage i am so confused
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
hope you could advise me before they arrive
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
It is very normal to feel like you have butterflies in your stomach, nervous, your body is reacting to emotions. Your afraid of losing your wife, the person you love the one you spend 32 years of marriage with. You need to. Tell her you both have been together so long and you have made it through ups and downs together and you love her more today then you ever have. She is your world and you can even think about not having a future with her, she is the one for you and if you both could start slow and work things out,you will be the best man you can be, but give me a chance to show you. I don't want you to just give up your marriage and start diving things I want you to explain you both need to work this out. I would ask her for another chance before you begin to divide things up.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
val and matthew just left i told her how much i would love to save the marriage i would do anything i didnt cry i said i didnt want aa seperation she said she does she never wants to hurt me but needs to be on her own and time span unknown 1 day 1 week 1 year maybe never she knows how much i love her but doesnt want me at the moment and is not prepared to let me live in limbo no more . So we had to discuss bank accounts business and properties so we dont get involved with solicitors we have agreed we will both struggle finatially .the family holiday in two weeks she will nor go on but insists i take the kids (mexico)i asked her if we could try again she started crying and said no i still need to be on my own do what i want to do i now face a big dilema as i also have to consider starting again on my own she aalso said she still loves me but not in the same way i am completely devastated
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
I know right now it looks like your marriage is falling apart but I see something else. She is not fully saying that this is over for good. She is telling you she needs time to see her feelings. She doesn't know if this is the end of your marriage but dshr feels bad letting you linger. She wants you to have a life while she gets her feelings in order. She sounds very confused but I also get a sense that she is hurt as well. She cried and that is a sign of inner hurt. She is hurt that the marriage is ending and that her feelings were not different. But she is asking for time to find herself so that maybe in time you both can be together but she doesn't know how long its going to take a day, a year, a month.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1818
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
sorry to be a nuisance but i really dont know what to do now do i rent a property and start again without her do i forget about her how can i go forward should i do it wow am i confused
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
You can ask me as many questions as you want you this why I am here to help you. You are going through a really difficult time right now. The life you have had for 32 years has changed and im sure you never thought it would happen. Now you are torn on what to do. I want you to stop for a minute and really understand what is happening in your life. Your wife is asking for space because she feels I. Some way that she needs to fix something within herself or she feels that her marriage is no longer working. But I feel that there is something going on with your wife that she needs to express. I feel she is having trouble and may think that she needs to be by herself to fix things. But I think you both should work on this together. I want you to try to talk too her about something in her life that she feels has changed. Does she feel like she needs independence. You need to ask her what is really going on in her life that she feels things are over. When she says how long she needs that is her needing the space to figure things out. Your not going to forget her you both will have to work out many things together. But as of right now you need to move forward and begin to do what is best for your life.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
we have a (family holiday) booked for the 18th oct to mexico with 4 other friends val says i have to go with the kids and she will stay at home as when she is near me she gets too agitated matthew says if she gets drunk and starts kicking of it will ruin the holiday for everyone.i said i would be ok sleeping with aaron and as i am the calmest of us 2 .but again how could i go on holiday for the first time without her god give me strength i am one lost sole but i really appreciate you talking to me ps val wont talk with me when they left yesterday she said i love you but you dont get it do you? (crying) so how can i help her from afar.once again sorry but i need someone to talk to
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
II am here to answer you questions and I know what you are going through is really hard. I would try to get her to go on this family holiday trip all together. It was something that was planned and you could easily stay in separate area so she would still have her space. She gets aggravated by you and there is a reason for this. She is telling you that you don't get it so she must be holding back how she feels about something. She wants you to understand something but she wants you to figure it out or she thinks you know.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
sorry once again i have been away for the weekend and val my wife rang me last night and told me she is not going on holiday and has transfered the ticket to my friend our son says she would be on edge and end up arguing so its not worth it i am now thinking she must be completetly out of love with me and as made her mind up to be on her own yet when we finished talking i said night god bless i love you she said i love you too i dont know the answer and i am finding this the hardest thing in my life i have buried my parents gone through life with pain but nothing like this my only other conclusion is she doesnt want me please advise
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
any further advice would be extremely grateful
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
She seems like she is going through something like she is torn, like he doesn't want to burden you with what she is going through. She obviously loves you but is just struggling in what to do right now in her life. Some times you hit this point in life where you need to change that you feel like you need more like a new purpose. Some times people get bored with the same routine and need to change things in their life. I feel she is searching to discover why she is feeling like she needs time. I feel she is confused about how she feels in life in general. She doesn't want to hurt you so she is giving your relationship a break to sort things out. I really believe you both could reconnect.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency