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Suzanne
Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, I love him and

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Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, I am generally a very upbeat, easy going person and find his negativity to be a huge drain. He gets whingey and clingy and misses me when i haven't been gone for more than half a day, I use to find this cute, but now feel guilty for not feeling as though i miss him too. I find him to be irresponsible and he says this is because he is unable to think clearly and that his mind is clouded with thoughts. I often hear the excuse "sorry I wasn't thinking", and i'm a bit sick of it. I have suggested maybe he try yoga to help with his mind, he wants to change but I don't feel right asking him to change for me, I should love him for who he has always been, but i'm not sure that I do anymore. I feel very drained by this. But he cares about me dearly and I've never met anyone else that I trust will be faithful to me and treat me with respect.
this is my first long term relationship and first and only sexual partner, sometimes i wonder if maybe these feelings are from me wanting to explore..
I'm so confused, please help..
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for bringing your question to Just Answer!

 

I hope that you will put off any decisions to make this a permanent relationship until you have seen consistent, long-lasting changes in his behavior. I see some red flags in what you describe

1. no friends--possibly means other people see there is a problem in how he behaves and interacts with others.

2. excessive neediness

3. poor judgment:--not a quality you would want in a husband.

4. multiple promises to change with no results that last.

5. doesn't think--again, not a quality that shows husband or long-term relationship potential.

6. whiny and clingy: This can be a disguised method of control--by being so needy, you end up having to cater to his insecurity and whining.

 

I know you feel a certain attachment, especially since he is your first intimate partner, but he has many of the characteristics of a controller in the making. You might want to find a therapist to help you evaluate this relationship in more detail and to help you decide if this is a healthy relationship for you to be in. Staying with someone because you feel sorry that they don't have anyone else isn't a good enough reason to stay.

 

You are new to relationships, so please don't assume that this is the only trustworthy person you will ever meet. You will find someone to trust, who also is mature enough to live his own life without clinging.

 

Think about what you would say to a girlfriend who you really cared about it she wrote you an email like the one you sent here...it would probably be very similar to my advice to you.

 

 

 

Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience: Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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Suzanne
Suzanne
Therapist in Private Practice
338 Satisfied Customers
Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency