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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I am still having the same issue with my ex from three plus

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I am still having the same issue with my ex from three plus years ago. Nothing has changed. He is still back and forth with the girl he started seeing (or was already seeing) right after we broke up. Now, he tells me he is trying to let me go, but I won't let him let me go. Then he tells me he cant bring me out in the open yet. Moved back in with her and he knows it isn't going anywhere with her...and its going to a disaster when he moves out again. I asked him to just let us spend time together and get to know each other better. He says he doesn't have anything to offer. We have never gotten back together. In June 2011 I told him I was moving out of the state once I earned my MSA so I could find a better job. Nothing is here for me anymore...once he told me we didn't have a chance I gave up. Since then, I found a great job that I plan to retire from. MSA to be completed this month.

We didn't see each other for ONE YEAR May 2010 until May 2011...NEVER GO MORE THAN THREE/FOUR MONTHS without contacty of some sort. Via text, I told him goodbye in May 2011 after asking him point blank to tell me the truth..I can handle the we have a chance? He responded with no...he is on a different path. I said goodbye. He text me ten days later: Just was thinking about you and wanted to say hi.

Now, we left it as being a part of each other's lives. He is trying to buy a house in a year. He is allowing me to reach out to him whenever I need to hear from him. He reaches out to me too. We saw each other Sept 30th. I told him I belong with him...let me be a part of his life whatever part that is...Going crazy! I told him things can only get better for me now. He said I see and all without me...I told him things would gotten better with him too.

Please help! The way I see it, one of us is going to have to change. He either sees what I have been telling him about us: that we belong together OR I will see that what he has been trying to show me...we should stay away from each other so we can both move on.

Next set of goals: Car, save money, remove his name/tattoo.

You will be much better off if you accept one thing - this is going nowhere and every time he calls it sets you back. You allowing this communication as friendly and nice as it is will always keep you stuck. You can't move on because this communication always pulls you back in. He has told you things are not going to change. And you give be friends because there are feelings there. So the only option is to let it go! You are allowing the calls to build up hope. It leaves the door of opportunity to be open and then you don't move on because you aren't letting yourself. You have this new degree. Focus on your future and only if you eliminate the barrier to change. You are doing yourself such a disservice by allowing a relationship that isn't going anywhere to interrupt it. Let him know you have to move on and leave him behind.


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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
That's just it. First, we reach out to each other. Previously, he told me to move on. Then after some time he tells me that when the time is right we will take things very slow. Then when he and she break up, he tells me its not fair to rush right into another relationship. I am so lost and so confused. If he loves her why does he deny her, why keep her hidden when everybody knows they are together. Then with me, if he really loved me he wouldn't keep me in the background...he would be proud to tell the world he loves me. He is going to lose me like the rest have and want me back when it is too late. I have tried to move on...I date, I meet knew people and I don't jump into relationships just to say I have a man. Why is it taking me so long to get over him? Sometimes I wish I could just disappear and make him miss me. But since he hasn't come back after all this time, I am just hurting myself into thinking he is the one. On top of that my son and his niece about to have a baby together. Our families are interwined as his son is having a baby with my ex-niece in law. Talk about complicated...I just want to hear something to snap me out of this...whatever this is.
You can't make anything happen but his "confusion" does not seem love or conducive to making a commitment. His need to give you excuses is not going to transition to a good relationship. He has had a chance to be with you and he makes excuses. You have to end it. You have to not worry about getting over him and just be. You are hurting yourself and that is why you can't move on. Because you have that hope that he is going to come riding in and offer you a relationship. He has had that chance. End the hope and you move on. You aren't going to hear snap out of it but you can rehearse in your mind snap out of it. Then reality will work it's magic.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Nothing is going to help me with this man. I have tried praying and fasting...fasting a total of six months of fasting...I still pray. I reach out to him...just wanting to talk, to receive a response from him. Then, he always wants to meet up, talk and kiss. In June 2011, he was talking about our taking that walk. He was going to stay the night but I did not feel comfortable and I did not let him sleep. I expected to him to leave within an hour or so. He was hurt and scared when I mentioned moving out of my house of ten years (lost to bankruptcy) and then being open to relocating to find that great high paying job. That was a little more than three months ago. Now he knows I am not going anywhere...What can I do...I can't let him go all at hurts too much...never went through this before. Not like has always taken no more than three months to get over a guy. But not this time...
You have to let him go. There's only one way. You can't have half of him so it's the only way. It may take longer - maybe the love was stronger - but it is possible. You can't stay just to avoid pain. Then you have this unhappiness. You have to do what is right in the long run. You can't avoid so that you remain stuck. It's painful now or painful later
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

When I try to let him go, he calls me or reaches out to me. I am truly happy when I think about us being together and that all of the changes we put ourselves through will pay off in the end. He is the only man I can see myself with. When we touch each other we know it is right...but these circumstances make things difficult...I truly love him and will give myself to him only with a committment...I told him I can leave him alone, no contact, no emails, no phone calls. He doesn't want to hear that...back to wanting to get his own place. I told him my last class is over in two weeks. To make time for me and that I need him in my life. For the first time ever he said yes, he will be in my life and I can be a part of his. I honestly believe he is my soulmate.

I know that is what you want but it's not what happens. You have to stand strong. It takes two to be together. He may be your soul mate but it has to work. If it isn't healthy it doesn't matter what he is. He has said he is in your life but at what cost and in what capacity. It is going to be what you want. He may be in your life but what does that mean. I fear you need him and he is taking full advantage of that
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yes, you are right I do need him....and I honestly believe with all of my heart that he is on his way back to me. Keep in mind I am not ready to be with anyone right now...I am almost situated. Within six months to a year I will be where I have wanted to be for so long...financially anyway. My children are grown...two grandchildren and one on the way. Very educated associates, bachelors, two masters....very good job even in this economy. Twice divorced, bankruptcy, foreclosure/deed in lieu of foreclosure. Then there is the law of attraction...I see his name everywhere...out of the blue...and then reference to his nickname everywhere I turn...all of this was recent within the last two weeks. Just a couple more months will tell me what I NEED TO KNOW! Before I am able to move on I have to know in my heart of hearts that I gave it all I have so when I let go I will not turn back.

That is good that you are looking out for yourself. With everything you say it sounds like this relationship is the one you are open to. I understand you want to know that you gave it all. Most women can understand that. I respect that as well. I find comfort in that you will let go when you have given it your all. If that is your decision I certainly understand that reasoning. You have to do what you think is best. In the end it's about what you need to do and doing it. Wish you the best


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