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Doctor Kevin
Doctor Kevin, Ph.D.
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1482
Experience:  24 years in a private practice
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boyfriend is obsessed with his sport and expects me to take

Customer Question

boyfriend is obsessed with his sport and expects me to take up his view he does ,coaches and chooses holidays where he can do it i am accepting it but he basically does as he pleases!I have a busy life but if i cant see him when he wants which i often cant he makes alternate arrangement! He's a tricky one but i am totally in love but keep my own busy life as we have both been hurt in the past.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 4 years ago.

If you are in love and he is too then there should be a compromise to such busy schedules. You shouldn't be the one doing all the compromising but it has to be from both of your sides. If you can't meet up he is free to make his own plans. That is what happens when two peoplle are very busy. But you may be careful being too accepting. A relationship is about compromise as I said. It shouldn't be one person working around the other person's schedule. I don't know how "obsessed" he is and how this impacts the relationship. You can't have a relationship around sports. But you can work together. Being hurt doesn't have a lot to do with being hurt. That's why you need compromise. So both people feel they are being heard. In the end it's up to you.


Sorry for the delay. If this has been helpful press accept

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
need more clarity, rather than waffle sorry.
Expert:  Doctor Kevin replied 4 years ago.
I agree with what the psychlady has to say. However it sounds like you're boyfriend controlling and self-centered to compromise. As a result you have become the person who has had to make sacrifices while he does not seem to be interested in working together with you. You are going to have to make some decisions about who decides what to do when you're together. This can arrange from being very firm about things you would like to do together to continuing to compromise and do exactly what he would like. He is officially going to be very angry and you will have to stand your ground. You may try taking a list of things that you would like to do with him and allowing choose. Since he has gotten his way so far he will be very resistant to change. You must stick to your limits and not given to his desire to return to the way things are currently. You might want to find out more about fighting fairly and try to make this discussion as unemotional as possible. When people are used to getting their way there initially shocked by the fact that the relationship has changed and this is usually followed by anger on his part. You must be prepared stick to your guns. I see that you are off line. I hope this answers your question to your satisfaction. If so, please remember to click on the green accept button so that I will receive credit for my response. You may return to this answer for reference at any time after you accept
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thankyou i agree with your suggestions and am strong enough to stick to my guns but two questions i need to ask; one is, can a relationship be successful when there is a need for dominance on one side?I am a very strong willed character but uncertain how to keep this relationship balanced.Can you inform me how to "fight" fairly and without raising emotions.

Many thanks

Expert:  Doctor Kevin replied 4 years ago.
I agree completely that if one person has been allowed to have his way in a relationship and then there is a need to change the balance of power. By fair fighting I mean the following:

Be assertive because it is when you are passive or aggressive that you have trouble finding a status quo in a fight. If you are aggressive you overturn the other person's right and if you are passive you allow the other person to run over yours. You must establish common ground rules. When parties accept positive common ground rules for managing a conflict, a solution becomes much more likely. Mutual respect for each other can go a long way in drawing boundaries while fighting. If you respect each other you would try not hurting one another. You must be as specific as possible. Try addressing the problem instead of targeting the person's sentiments. Handle the issue at hand and don't bring up other issues just to prove a point. It's not a win-lose game, it's about finding a solution. Lastly don’t go to bed angry. Finish the fight. Dragging a fight out is as life-draining as avoiding a fight. Unresolved anger can destroy intimacy. Always either kiss and makeup or close on a good note. I hope this will help.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Many thanks, your answer has helped re evaluate my relationship to the point that i have decided to leave the relationship,yes i am in love but cannot accept conflict whether it be assertive ,passive or aggressive on a daily basis.I am accepting of my decision and thank you for allowing me to gain deeper insight.
Expert:  Doctor Kevin replied 4 years ago.
anytime I can be of help. Just send a request to me and I will answer it.

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