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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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why would a boyfriend say he needs a week to think and decide

Resolved Question:

why would a boyfriend say he needs a week to think and decide if he wants to
either marry me or leave me ? Where is this coming from ?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

Your boyfriend sounds like he is a bit young, and/or inexperienced, and/or a bit immature. He is not ready to make any decisions, and you would be advised not to make any committments to him about marriage, even if he asks.

His approach shows that whether he says yes or says no, he just isn't ready to make a decision, and because he is so indecisive, you shouldn't commit to him at this time.

He needs to grow up before he is ready for a relationship. His thinking is distorted and not very rational: you might say childlike. That is where this irrational talk is coming from.

I urge you to hold off, and continue to date him if you both want. Right now he is not ready, and anyway, he may be gone in a week. It seems that a more mature man, one who considered and valued who you are, would never make such a statement and would be more likely to be reliable and true to you in the long run.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for you answer...it is helpful

 

However, I do love this man and am willing to do what I can to make this work.

 

He continues to call me every day. we do not have any definate plans

to see each other this week

 

I suggested dating for another six months and see how it goes and then make a shared decision. That would enable us to work on any issues.. He refused to

think about that but insisted he would know this week if we end or continue this

relationship. I thought it more helpful if we spendt time working of ourselfs

and our relationship....is there anything to I can do right now ? He offers no reason for why he would consider ending our relationship.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.
Dear friend,

We can fall in love with people who are absolutely wrong for us, or who are unable to be in any relationship because of the issues that they have.

You cannot control his irrational behavior. However, it is a definite red flag - a warning that he is not a logical person and that his decision making processes are no reliable. Whether you marry or not is not his decision alone.

Just because he says, 'ok, I've decided that we will marry' is certainly not anything to celebrate OR to agree with. You still have the option of telling him that you are glad that he feels this way, and you will also take the time to think about it. There is no reason to make such a decision unless you have to get married right away.

You should not agree to anything right now until you see what kind of mental state he reveals over time. Right now, no matter how much you love him, he is not marriageable material yet.

All you can do right now is to observe his behavior and decide if this man is mentally stable enough or mature enough to have a serious relationship with. He doesn't seem to be compromising or considering your feelings or intellect. That is a bad sign for what may be in the future.

If he does leave you, you will suffere some pain, but eventually get over it and never get into that kind of situation again.

I can see that you are a warm and loving person. You do not deserve to be hurt. You deserve a man that will see how precious you are, who will treat you that way, and who will have absolutely no doubts about you.. Once you are treated this way by a real man, you will not be interested in a boy who can't see the wonderful young woman who cares so much for him.

You deserve the best,

Warm regards,
Elliott

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you again...another question to help
me understand.... he has gotten into
some risky behaviors sexually with
some women of questionable standards
--definitely outside of acceptable conduct and I know
Is a deal breaker.. my question is why would he do
this sort of thing ? he thinks I do not know ANd still calls
me ...he is an intelligent person and knows better
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Why would he want to engage in risky sex with women
Who do that sort of thing when he is intelligent and knows
better ?
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.
Dear friend,

Sometimes men cannot control their sexual urges, which for some are more powerful than their weaker minds. They say, for some anyhow, that the flesh is strong but the mind is weak.

Your ex-boyfriend may be intelligent, but not enough to overcome his destructive behavior which has destroyed his relationship with you, and has put you (and himself and other partners) at risk for a sexually transmitted disease, some of which last a lifetime, and others, which shorten that lifetime.

He may be intelligence, but is lacking in common sense, and lacking in emotional intelligence, which men do not posess as strongly as women, generally.

Obviously, he has lost a good woman, and he probably knows it. He just doesn't have the moral character to resist dangerous and destructive temptation. His short-term pleasure is more important than his long-term fulfillment. He is not strong enough to maintain a faithful relationship. He wants to have it both ways, but he cannot. You will have to accept this disappointment.

A woman like you needs a man who treasures you so much that he would put you first, second, and third. Alas, you are just somewhere on his list.

May you accept that this is the nature of this man, and his behavior has nothing to do with you or how valuable you are.

Warmest regards,
Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

**I cannot find my additional question to you...so again I am repeating this entry

 

Thank you for your hellpfulness. It is very helpful to me if I can understand the "why's"

Prior to the last couple of weeks he did not display irrational thinking or multiple dating.

I am having difficulty believing the change in behaviors in someone who I respected and cared so deeply for.

I asked him if I should now move my few items out of his home. He replied no but

continues the same behaviors. Is he waiting for me to close this relationship ?

And why would he put it one me to do ? I am having difficulty in closing a relationship with some that I care for so deeply. I am aware that I still have hope (it's my nature)

what do I say to him ? How do I close this so that both of us have a sense of closure?

And if there is anything I can say that might reach him ?

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.
Dear friend,

I agree. It is quite puzzling on the surface, but there has to be a reason. I do not think that he just had a mental break. I believe that he has found a woman to replace you and is too cowardly and ashamed to tell you. He needs a week to find out something to his advantage, probably having to do with a relationship with another woman. If that falls through then he will be back to you.

If you want out of the relationship because of his risky behavior and his cheating on you, then you can just move out. You don't need to find closure for anyone except for yourself. I know how difficult it is for you to do this, but you need to protect your sense of dignity and self-respect. This will bring you closure. He is putting you in such a compromised and demeaning position that you might do best to just leave. He doesn't deserve you and has set a pattern for all times. If you accept him, you will always be the woman who can be cast aside when he needs to sow his wild oats, and you will always be there for him if he chooses to come back.

The best way to reach him is to walk out. He will hear you loud and clear. If he cares he will bet to get you back. If he doesn't care, then you will get the closure of knowing how he really is.

He calls you every day just to keep you holding on, but he doesn't give you the love and respect that you merit or deserve.

You have to take the choice and take the courageous step to step out of the shambles of this relationship.

You are such a good and decent person, and I wish you the strength and vision to protect yourself.

Warmest regards,
Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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