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Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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I am recently separated after 30 years of verbal and emotional

Customer Question

I am recently separated after 30 years of verbal and emotional abuse which happened in front of the chn as well as behind closed doors. I left him 5 years ago for 6 weeks but went back because of the chn over whom he exerts a powerful influence. Now the same thing is happening. My sons are 25(and married for 2 yrs), 23 with a girlfriend and my daughter is nearly 19. They have all left home so my leaving the house has no immediate impact on them but of course my husband is telling them it's all mynfault and I'm mental and I need help. He told me if I left the chn would never talk to me again. After 2 weeks the boys have started to return my txts but very sparsely but my daughter is completely ignoring me. Now my daughter-in-law has just txt me to say they don't want me to visit them as I was going to go up to see them and discuss things with them. What do you advise I do
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 5 years ago.

Cathy :

Hi and thanks for writing JA

Cathy :

I am so sorry to hear you endured such abuse. You say that you returned for the sake of your children but then you say you have adult children. Did you mean to say that you returned because your children did not approve of your decisions? Did you mean to say that you were unhappy with the way the children received the news of your leaving him. Thanks for clarifying this so we can best help you from JA. and warm regards, Cathy

Cathy :

again if you could please just clarify this for us as I read on your post becomes a little bit more confusing. thanks< Cathy

JACUSTOMER-0t3kpcvn- : Sorry it probably is a bit confusing. When I left the first time the chn were 12, 17 and 19. The 12 & 17 yr old were still living at home. No they did not agree with my decision to leave then nor they they agree with it now. We have deeply held religious beliefs so divorce is only scripturally permissible if there has been adultery. The first time I left I was just coming out of a 6 yr affair so of course it was perceived as my fault even tho I did not leave to live with this man who had by then moved onto his next conquest. I loved that person and he broke my heart.if my marriage had been happy I would never have looked at another man. This time there is no one else (even tho my husband has told the chn there is) but I've just come to finally realize that he will never change and I cannot live anymore with him reminding me regularly how bad I am , that I'm a slut and an adulterer, that I'm lazy, useless, a bad mother, bad wife, hopeless cook, useless housekeeper and never do anything in our business. We run a large contracting business fro home. I look after all the admin/wages/accounts etc. I do not talk to the kids about the things their father does and yet they do see and hear what he says to me and how he treats me but they were"shocked" when I left. Since they no longer live at home they don't witness his abase on a day to day basis and they mite think that's a normal relationship as that's all they've seen..
Cathy :

Oh my this post saddens me so greatly.

Cathy :

I am going to print this out and take a day to respond to you so I can think about responding to you in the best way possible.

JACUSTOMER-0t3kpcvn- : Are you still in the process of answering my question

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