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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Ive been dating for 4 months with my gf...We have a long distance

Customer Question

I've been dating for 4 months with my gf...We have a long distance relationship and see each other every 2-3 weeks...we've argued for the past 2 weeks and this weekend we weren't comfortable around each other, we acted all defensive because we knew something wasn't right...we spoke and even though we love each other, she says that she doesn't know why she's like that and if she's not comfortable with herself she can't put 100% into something with someone else...I told her I understand, that I love her but whatever happens is for the best..I'm leaving tomorrow and we agreed that we'll see how it goes if she feels differently and the "spark" again and happy about us...I love her and of course would like to work things out but we've left it to everything happens for a reason so if it's meant for us then it'll happen...should I try do something or just be myself and see what happens this week? I'm not arguing or being rude but supportive instead...we had tons of plans even discussed marriage eventually and it's sad see it go all away...have you seen cases like this before?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

Sometimes people just need a break, and sometimes people fall out of love. Sometimes they just do not know.

If you have a truly loving relationship, then time away can cause those cravings and desires to re-emerge. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, it is said, and this is often but not always true.

If you will be parting for a while, do it on good terms, be yourself but show her your strength as well as your kindness. It is really a question of her own feelings. Either she doesn't know them, or she knows them and doesn't have the courage to say what she is feeling, and taking the less brave way out.

II have seen cases like this many times before. They can go either way. You don't have a long history together and there is less bonding that has ocurred in only four monnths, but only going through this test period will tell you the truth. She may not know the truth either.

Be courageous and endure this as nobly as you can. Yes, it is a sad period, but in the end, in the long run, whatever happens, you will be happy again. I hope that it goes the way you want it too. She her with a good and positive impression and she will remember you that way while she is "gone".

Warmest regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I agree with what you've said about being an issue of her own feelings. How should I act towards her these days, we've spoken and the conclusion is that she doesn't know why she's feeling like that since we've had great time together, I don't know if she's confused or anything, there's no other guy nor we've had some harsh fight in we've insulted each other or lost respect.

I've been very open and thanked her for all her kindness since she knows she's special for me as well as I'm someone important in her life. We didn't break up, she gave me back a present I just gave her and told me that if it's meant for her, she'll go to my country to see me and get the bracelet back. Her planned trip is in 10 days so a lot can happen between now and then.

My question is, giving this case in which she was things to clarify with herself, should I still contact her day by day as we always do, wait for her to contact me or give her space. I'm not sure that if I disconnect completely, it may seem a sign of not caring and I really do care. In other matter, talking to her and being interested in her days while she' feeling like this, don't know if it could give her a sensation of not having her space and feel prisioned.

Our anniversary is this wednesday, I always send her flowers, should I continue with this? When we spoke said that whatever happens we both desire the best for each other and grateful for everything, if something is for you, it'll find the way I guess. Just before accepting, could you orient me in how to behave in order to show I care but let her think her own things.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.
Dear friend,

Thank you for getting back to me. Your story sounds like a very tender love story, and it seems that she just is trying to accept the enormity of making a committment to you, far away, and having to make large adjustments in her life.

You are on one side, and her committments to her home country and all that she loves there, are on the other. You should keep your connection with her and send her flowers for your anniversary.

If you contact her by phone it may be a little harder to balance between keeping in touch with her and leaving her space. If you contact my email, then you can just send her a little note saying that you are thinking of her and understand that she may need some space and she needn't reply.

If you can send her real mail through the postal service, you can do that, perhaps in the form of a little note or inexpensive card, saying hello and telling her that you are thinking about her. Don't ask for a reply. She will reply when she is ready.

Show her love and understanding. Don't show anger or disappointment or put pressure on her in any way, and if you take that approach she will be very grateful to you for being understanding and giving her space and she will be more likely to want to contact you.

Don't question her, just let her know in a few words that she is in your thoughts.. Perhaps you saw a beautiful flower or a bird that really captured your fancy. Tell her that "you saw a beautfiul flower today and it made me think of you" or something simple and sweet, that reflects your personality.

Be positive and cheerful. I think that this is the best approach. The rest is up to her own internal dialogue with herself, and her own needs.

God bless you.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
We went out tonight since my flight was cancelled...we actually had a great time and both said it, just hanged out and talked about different things..I saw her more calmed are more comfortable than before...I asked her how she feel and she said she had mixed feelings, on occasions she was sad and down but on others like now she was happy...I told her I would' put pressure and would text and email her just to keep in touch and to allow things to go naturally...the thing that keeps me wondering if she says that she's not feeling that chemistry why doesn't she break up once and for all...it's not because not wanting to hurt me because we've always been honest and prefer to say things before one gets deceived but I don't know...I would imagine that if you don't feel comfortable then you end it and each go their own way..she told me tomorrow she'll get out of work to take me to the airport and spend some time with me, why not end it once and for all?
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.
Dear friend,

You are a kind and gentle man, and perhaps you are winning her over. That kind of behavior can build chemistry. Ask her before you have to leave, if she thinks that the relationship has a future or if she things it is best to end it. Tell her that you really care for her but if she cannot feel a sense of commitment, then does she really want to continue?

You can lead her to tell the truth, if if she is afraid to, then she will not. Use your emotional intellitence to figure it all out.

I wish you well. Go with God.

Warmest regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hi Elliott,

Thanks for your insight. Tonight I fell asleep and woke up to a message of her giving me thanks for all the details I've had with her and for caring so much and that she loved me a lot. Don't know if this is to be taken ask how nice from her or some kind of farewell and have no idea. I just answered that I loved her too, thanked her for all the details as well and told her we'v had great times together and hope there are more to come...don't know what she'll answer and I feel i love her but wouldn't' know how to take this thing she did. What are your thoughts?
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.
Dear friend,

Her letter sounds absolutely wonderful. Saying that she thanks you and appreciates what you have done is one thing, but saying that she loved you a lot takes it to a much higher level.

This were two entirely different statements. If she is an hones person and told you that she loves you a lot, then you should take it at face value. She means it and she loves you. That is exactly what you wanted to hear, and to know.

I hope that this continues to work out for you.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Sorry, not quite understand you regarding the two statements. When she said thanks for everything it was like in past tense, thanks for having done things etc etc. Today at the airport we were both more affectionate, we hugged and kissed and I told her I love her and she said she did too. She's always been honest and when I asked her if she was in love she said yes but something is keeping her from having the nice feeling again and wanting to be in the relationship. On the other side, she never said to break up, said to see what goes along and how she feels these days, don't know why she didn't end it. I know that she's not all nice like before because the issue is still there and people need time to clear their heads. She told me sunday she didn't feel like putting 100% into the relationship but monday and tuesday we felt different, she's the one that says has mixed feelings. Can I just wait and let her contact me, I write her and say i care for her not expecting to be answered but wouldn't want to be all suffocating neither.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.
Dear friend,

Let me try to explain better.

She said, according to your words, that she was "giving me thanks for all the details I've had with her and for caring so much and that she loved me a lot." She could have just made one statment of thanks, XXXXX XXXXX had a second statement saying that she loved you a lot. She didn't say that she used to love you a lot.

It seems that she is still making up her mind.

You can hold off writing to her if you are afraid of suffocating her. You could also send her a little card that just said, "Thinking of you!" without asking her to write back. That would not be suffocating, and she would just be reminded of what a good man you are. These are the little things that make a woman care about a man.

I wish you the very best success in your relationship.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Dear Elliot,

After I came back home I was feeling a little confused. I texted her when I arrived and an I love you came out from her, she then replied that she did too. I went outwit a friend and she to the gym, when I got home just let her know, she said she was almost sleeping bc was tired. Told her I was tired too to which she replied that I should rest, good night and an I love you. Wouldn't you think that if she would be very interested she'd still want to talk a bit over the phone? Won't really know if the tiredness was true or just an excuse. I wanted to know if she's coming next week but instead of asking, a cousin of mine asked her if he could send me something with her next week she came, she said of course but don't know if she would tell him not I'm not going or something similar. I guess I'm feeling littler mixed up because can't let my happiness depend on someone else and keep waiting for her to see if things come back. I guess what I'm trying to say is that don't know if to put myself out there and then she says no I don' feel it an break up. Should I keep away a bit and see how she responds? Ask her about if she sees future for us and if not call it quits?
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.
Dear friend,

You are too impatient about this relationship, and that is your problem.

Best wishes,

Elliott

P.S. - I have already answered your six questions and you have graciously paid me for one question. I cannot keep answering your questions on an unlimited free basis. It doesn't work that way. I am happy to do a follow-up question, but it is not fair to expect me to continue without compensation on an unlimited basis, any more than one visit to the doctor would entitle you to unlimited free visits.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Sorry, I had the unlimited question paid so I thought it was covered. Let me know if you received the accept acne or need it
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.
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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
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35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.