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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Mine is a long question and spans about 30years. Im now 57

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Mine is a long question and spans about 30years. Im now 57 and never thought id ever be in this position. To begin - i had an unhappy loveless childhood so when i met my husband when i was 18 yrs old i was desperate for someone to love me and he did. He asked me to marry him and i said yes but i should have said no as i knew i didnt love him as i should. ten years and two children later i had grown to love him but it wasnt an easy relationship and i still didnt love him as i should. Along came Paul who was a friend of my brother in law. We all became friends with him, his wife and two children. I knew straight away i fancied him and we flirted all the time. He always smiled a lot at me and did all sorts of things to gain my attention. He and his family moved away from the area after a few years and we lost touch. Eventually i began to forget him as I didnt know where he was and thought i d never see him again. then out of the blue about 15 years later he got back in touch and turned up to see us. He was now on his third marriage but seemed happy and i was happy for him. I still felt the same way but kept my feelings well hidden. That was about 7 years ago and during that time he began to treat me as he had before and gradually we became close again. He started texting and some of his messages gave me reason to believe he felt the same way about me. One day i decided i could not spend the rest of my life without telling him how i felt. I couldnt do this until i was fairly sure he felt the same so it was done during texting. It nearly knocked me for six when he revealed hed felt the same about me since we first met.He said he d only got in touch again to see me after being away for so long. He said if hed known how i felt before he would never have gone away as he always liked being with me. He suggested we met and within 2 weeks we met in a public place. We sat and talked for ages holding hands across the table. He stroked my hands the whole time and it was wonderful although it felt strange to begin with. We kissed for the first time in the car park when it was time to go and it really took my breath away. He told me hed waited 25 years for this. The next time we met at his house and he told me he loved me and had been in love with me since we d first met. We kissed and cuddled on the sofa for as long as possible. We didnt sleep together for another 3 months but when we did it was wonderful and we meet as often as possible which isnt very often as he also lives about 65 miles away. However we are both in jobs where its easy to lie and to get away without causing suspicion. I cant give him up now ever but neither can i put my husband through the pain it would cause if i told him. Children are not a problem as they are grown up and left home now. I have never felt the way i do about anyone ever. He says im the love of his life. Yes i feel guilty but not enough to make me stop seeing him as it feels so right when we are together. We text every day and he makes me feel complete. I know i should leave my husband but financially he couldnt manage or emotionally without me (we ve been married 37 years) We ve been seeing each other for 7 months now and i could really do with advice. I feel that at the moment i cant go forward or backwards.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

You know what you have to do and it doesn't involve being in a loveless marriage. As far as your husband people can always emotionally survive. It is painful but you aren't doing him any favors by staying together. You have to give him the benefit of the doubt. People move on from long relationships all the time. You can't stay out of guilt. As far as finances that can be resolved with a lawyer. I think it feels terrible to look at what will happen but you have no other choice. The alternative is to stay together knowing you will never be happy. You are operating right now out of guilt but that can't be the basis of your love life. He will handle this in his own way. I think you should do him a favor and be honest. Every day you are not you really are living a lie and that benefits no one.

 

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psychlady
psychlady
Counselor
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I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues