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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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I have a man friend that has been in the same work field. we

Customer Question

I have a man friend that has been in the same work field. we talk everyday now because we were let go from our job because of finacial crunch..He has told me recently how horrible his wife has treated him and i try to give him encourgment how to make it work. what does this mean, he knows I just ended a relationship of 19 years and its a very awful feeling. do you think he told me all this private to vent ? they have seen a marriage councelor for 10 years and she will not listen, she is in control of him and his own two children all this time.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 2 years ago.

Hi,

 

Q:do you think he told me all this private to vent ?

 

A: Yes, it is possible that he is seeing you as his confidant. When a person is dealing with a lot of stress, it can to a certain extent impede their judgment. Should he have been in a better spot, he may have been more guarded and tactful.

You may want to remain supportive and at the same time to encourage him to solve these issues with his wife. Also, you do not want him to become dependent on you to purge his feelings, frustrations and pain. These are areas that would require a neutral and professional help because he himself has to find way of managing these in his life. Even though talking to you as his friend may alleviate some of the anxiety/stress it is temporarily. He would need to be proactive in helping himself and his situation both marital and in regard to his work/career. In that case, you may act as someone who encourages him to do so, try to limit your time spent listening to him not to foster dependency and learned helplessness. From what he had shared so far with you, use some examples of how if you were in his shoes you may try to help yourself, let him know that you'd want him to work on his well being and that you support self improvement. Try not to comment on the way his wife is or side with him and be more in the role of of the objective observer. Otherwise, he may interpret your statements/behavior to mean something else than what you intend it to be.

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I already told you I have been supporting his marriage, and that they have been to alottttt of therapy, its like he hates her and wants out, He never ever supports that I see someone else, just about our work job efforts, and how he has talked to her parents and they know sw\he is taking the wrong actions. she told him his kids cannot return back home,they are in college now, without an invite and cannot ever come back to live. Her daughter is a drug addict and they have been caring for her grandchild and wants to adobt him and support her, she lives and sleeps with anyone and he doesnt want to raise another child 3 and daughter 23 who has been to many institutions. I dont agree with that either, and his children can never come home? I cant quit on someone I have relied on and trust, I havenet told him that.
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 2 years ago.

It was never suggested to you to quit on him as he is your friend; just to be supportive within limits. This man has to resolve his issues and even though they have gone to therapy, there are still other options. He may be subconsciously expecting that you fix his issues even if he does not necessarily directly express that. You've got to ask yourself what is he expecting out of his relationship with you? He is way over disclosing all of his baggage to you.

Even if there had been no overt indication, the mere fact that he bad mouths his marriage to you is a red flag.

I'm opting out of your question so another clinician can share their objective feedback. You asked if he had told you all of this to just vent and my reply to you is that it does not seem that way.

Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
Dr Rossi and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I am going to continue to listen and try to keep their marriage ideas strong like I have been. I cant give up on a trusting friend from all these years..good friends are so absolete these days, I will keep letting him vent he has too and hope for the best for them, but our contact with work networking has to last until we can find a job in our field. His wife knows we talk, she has alot of men mentors herself, so this is not a problem. It has to be surfacing because he needs to talk to me who he trusts..I will have to stay strong and believe I am a good person and will continue to support his marriage and work networking.
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 2 years ago.
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