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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Once again I ask for your assistant in resolving an issue involving

Resolved Question:

Once again I ask for your assistant in resolving an issue involving matters concerning the divorce of my youngest son and his wife. This time I seek your advice concerning an e-mail I received from the EX wife of my oldest son who gave me 3 wonderful grandchildren from this marriage. They divorced a few years ago. The ages of these grandchildren or 20, 18 and 13. I recently received this e-mail from my EX daughter-in-law. I have exed-out personal names for privacy.

"Recently you spoke to both xxxxxxx(age 13) and xxxxxxxx)(age 18) about circumstances pertaining to xxxx and xxxxx divorce. I find this highly inappropriate. There is no need to involve any of my children in the situation. It was not your place to elaborate on the subject or offer details to my children. We have chosen to respect the privacy of those family members that are involved, and offer support to them as they choose to interact with us. If (and here she lists family member names, for which I omitted for privacy) wish to discuss any of this with the kids or with me, then they will do so on their own terms. I would appreciate that you respect my wishes and act accordingly. "

I am not certain how to respond to this e-mail without making it appear I am being defensive. My first thought was I should just say I apologize… and perhaps I should. However, these three cousins and the cousin involved in the recent separation of his parents are very close. And, in fact these 4 grandchildren spend the entire summer months with us (most every summer) and these cousins are very close to one another. Thus all of these grandchildren have experienced the heartbreak of divorce.

In the conversation with my 18 year old granddaughter I told her that her uncle and aunt had separated and that I felt sad for their 15 year old son. That was all I said. My granddaughter responded with “Grannie I am sure he will be okay”. Nothing else was said.

My 13 year old grandson, by far is the closest to his cousin now going through this recent divorce with his parents. When the 13 year old grandson’s parents were going through their divorce both these cousins were able to talk about their feelings with one another about divorce. They have a special relationship and get along beautifully. During a recent telephone conversation my 13 year old grandson, he ask me for his cousin’s cell phone number as he wanted to call him. I told him that would be a nice gesture and I felt certain his cousin would appreciate him calling. I did mention that I was sad about this divorce just as I was sad about his own parents divorce a few years back. And again that was all that was said.

A day later I receive this e-mail. I would very much appreciate your advice as to how I should respond to my son’s ex wife’s e-mail. There was no discussion concerning personal matters in this divorce with my grandchildren.

Thank you.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

The easy way out would be too apologize. But remember if you do that you are saying I did something inappropriate. Is that what you want to do. It would seem better to nicely tell her what you did do and then apologize if that offends her. You run a risk of her being upset but you also stand on the truth. I don't think apologizing for something that didn't happen is the best way. I understand that you are trying to make the peace but it is up to you. I would state what I said and say I am sorry if I offended you. It's your decision.


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