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MrsRuss0114
MrsRuss0114, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 214
Experience:  B.A.Psychology, MSW, LCSW, HS-BCP; 8+ yrs experience.
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I have betrayed my boyfriend, by revealing a deep secret of

Resolved Question:

I have betrayed my boyfriend, by revealing a deep secret of his, to my friends, when I was feeling anxious and panicky about it. I am trying to earn his trust back. Its been a week, we went out last night, he is willing to try, but our energy is different. We are both heartbroken, but willing to try. Is it just time that will help? We love each other very much, are 35, with a child each and want to get married, this has been a big disappointment, in myself and him in me.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  MrsRuss0114 replied 3 years ago.

Russ0114 :

Hello and thank you for choosing just answer, I look forward to assisting you.

Russ0114 :

I think that yes, in time, your boyfriend will see that what you did was not meant to betray him but out of love and concern for him and will be able to trust you again completely.

Customer:

its just awful because we just started dating

Customer:

and i've known him for 10 years

Customer:

and we were so happy, it triggered a panic response

Russ0114 :

The great thing is that it sounds like both of you are committed to trying to make this work and are still trying to keep the lines of communication open.

Customer:

i hope so

Russ0114 :

The fact that he hasn't completely shut down or shut you out tells me that he is working to rebuild his trust in you and that's very positive.

Customer:

yes, he has said he's trying *really* hard not to break it off. he has an appointment to see a therapist on tuesday

Russ0114 :

I think that it's an unfortunate learning experience but now you know that should you have those concerns, you should try to locate him or reach out to him yourself.

Customer:

i guess i am having a hard time sitting in "the hot seat" as it were...

Customer:

yes, its true

Russ0114 :

We all have a hard time, when we have to be in that seat

Customer:

i was at work and was unable to leave and for some reason, in that two hour window, my anxiety got the best of me

Russ0114 :

However, you being able to deal with that feeling appropriately also shows him that you're genuinely sorry for what you did eventhough it was out of care and concern.

Customer:

anyway, its difficult, because now he feels awkward about my friends, understandably

Customer:

ok well thats positive

Russ0114 :

I think if you have an opportunity to attend a session with him, that would be helpful as well.

Customer:

i had actually suggested that, and he said that couples counselling a month in is not something he wants to do.

Russ0114 :

Also, just talking with him to see how the two of you should handle a situation like this if it presents itself in the future.

Customer:

i am hoping that with him goign, that the therapist will tell him that it would be beneficial for both of us

Russ0114 :

As long as it's not something that he completely shoots down as an option somewhere down the road.

Customer:

well yeah, i mean this is it, right..... if we cant get over hurdles like this, than we wont be able to build a family home of security

Russ0114 :

And if he's comfortable trying to work through his issues personally but also being able to talk with you about the intricacies of your relationship then that's great and you two are still moving in the right direction.

Customer:

ok. yes, he is... but he is basically stuck on the idea that i would reveal something that private, to my friends.

Russ0114 :

And that's something he has to work through with his therapist but you have to do your part to let him know that you completely understand where he's coming from.

Customer:

yeah, can you tell me basically how i should be demeanour wise? I have told him i understand, and i take full responsibility for his hurt

Customer:

i'm just having a hard time not being sad when i'm with him, because its so different, i mean, i obviously feel mistrusted now... our hearty laughter has gone to chuckles

Customer:

its horrible

Customer:

:(

Customer:

i mean if even that...

Customer:

is there any way to figure out a time frame? am i looking at a year? 6 months? i dont even know how i would deal with this sadness that long...

Customer:

i was also hoping maybe you had a book recommendation

Russ0114 :

I think that once you are able to kind of remove your feelings (which I know is hard to do) from it then it takes the spotlight off of you because the truth of the matter is, yes, you betrayed his trust by sharing something very personal about him to your friends. And although it was done out of panic, there were other ways to go about it so, you're really going to have to sit with that uncomfortable feeling but also show him that you completely understand where he's coming from and you're committed to making this relationship work as well as he is.

Russ0114 :

There isn't a specific time frame for these types of things, he may see his therapist and be able to work through it in one session and be able to move on from the fact that you told your friends and begin to slowly trust you again with his secrets.

Customer:

k

Customer:

i didnt think so

Russ0114 :

I don't know of any books per se but you can go to this website (truthaboutdeception.com) as it has some information in general that you may be able to apply to your situation.

Customer:

ok, i'll try that. thanks

Customer:

there's just so much information on this, and most stuff about earning trust has to do with cheating

Customer:

and i'm like I didnt do that, but its almost just as bad!

Customer:

so yes, thankfully, we are both fighting our urge to cut and run

Russ0114 :

I think you have to take the "cheating" out and take the gist of the information that can be applied to your situation.

Customer:

ok

Russ0114 :

And I commend you both because it would be much easier to just cut and run.

Customer:

well as he said, it would be like cutting off his hand....

Customer:

and i tend to agree, to leave would hurt more, i think.

Russ0114 :

It says a lot about you both that you're willing to work through the uncomfortableness and deal and learn from it to make your relationship stronger!

Customer:

thank you

Customer:

its basically the most uncomfortable i've ever been

Customer:

anyway, i'll let you get on with your day. thank you so much. so i guess i just click accept here, and its a one time fee?

Russ0114 :

In a way, that's good because now you know what type of feeling you don't ever want to feel again!

Customer:

lol

Customer:

true

Russ0114 :

:)

Customer:

i mean, seriously, as a person that normally does not betray trust, i will REALLY REALLY know why I dont do that, in the future

Russ0114 :

You're most welcome, and yes, if you click accept, you will get charged whatever you stated you'd pay for the assistance. Please feel free to write directly to me: Russ0114 if you have any additional questions in the future as I'll be glad to help. Also, feedback is very much appreciated!

Customer:

ok thank you

Russ0114 :

I know you were concerned and did the only thing you can think of at that time.

Customer:

yeah, i am just embarrassed, really

Customer:

there was no indication he would do anything, at all.

Customer:

it jumped to the forefront of my mind, and now he's wondering why i would think that... and how in the hell i thought it would be ok to involve a friend

Customer:

totally understandable.

Russ0114 :

So now the lesson is to be able to take a breath, step back and see if there are any other solutions to help you ease your concern.

Russ0114 :

True, I think that when we know things like that even though there's no indication, the worst always comes to mind first when we're in a panic.

Customer:

and thats what i told im.... that i basically latched onto the worst possible scenario

Russ0114 :

The great thing is that you're owning the responsibility and now it's just allowing him his time to work through it.

Customer:

yeah, thats it.

Customer:

ok, i feel better. thank you

Customer:

i was sobbing when i wrote you...

Customer:

i am not anymore. ;)

Russ0114 :

I wouldn't keep apologizing, because you've already done that and he knows you're sorry so just give him some time.

Russ0114 :

I'm so glad that I could help :)

Customer:

ok

Russ0114 :

So thank you as knowing this is a great start to my day in addition to my 2 red velvet whoopie pies and iced white mocha from starbucks, LOL

Customer:

thats the ohter thing i was wondering, i mean, i basically convinced him i can earn his trust.... but i dont want to lay it on too thick or make myself seem despearate

Russ0114 :

Exactly, you've already said it so now you have to prove it with your actions.

Customer:

what the heck is a whoopie pie?

Customer:

lol

Russ0114 :

And that's being the trustworthy person you know you are :)

Customer:

now i'm laughing

Customer:

ok, thank you... i guess i need to forgive myself more than anything

Russ0114 :

Oh my goodness! It's two little round red velvet cakes with the cream cheese filling on the inside, simply divine!

Russ0114 :

Not for my waistline but for my tastebuds :O)

Customer:

wow

Customer:

that sounds divine, i agree

Customer:

go starbucks

Russ0114 :

Yes, you do have to work on forgiving yourself.

Customer:

i just had a vanilla chai latte there yesterday. mm mm

Russ0114 :

Exactly!

Russ0114 :

LOL

Russ0114 :

Love those!

Customer:

;)

Customer:

ok, thank you.... have a good day. i have to get to work now

Customer:

lol

Russ0114 :

You as well! And remember, I'm here if ever you need to chat again!

Customer:

ok, so how do i find you?

Customer:

just come here, and search?

Russ0114 :

When you type in your question, you can put "Dear Russ0114" and everyone will know it's for me

Customer:

ah ha!

Customer:

i think i get 30 days of questions.... i think its great that i can ask you through this difficult time, and speak with you again.

Customer:

it happened last friday, and we are going out to something we had planned before it happened tomorrow.... and the fact that he was still willing to go with me, i thought for sure he'd cancel, made me cry with joy

Customer:

so i am tryign to basically deal with this, so i can be happier tomorrow

Customer:

i dont want to bog him down with guilt on my part

Russ0114 :

Or you can go to my profile: justanswer.com/relationship/expert-lrussell-lcsw/

Customer:

cool

Customer:

ok i bookmarked that

Customer:

thanks a lot.

Customer:

enjoy your divinity!

Russ0114 :

I think that's great so I'll be checking and I will respond when I get an alert so, yes enjoy your time with him tomorrow, live in the moment :)

Russ0114 :

Thank you!!!!

Customer:

i will be sure to have lots of chocolate

Customer:

;)

Customer:

take care

Russ0114 :

That always puts a bright spot in my day! You take care too!

MrsRuss0114, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 214
Experience: B.A.Psychology, MSW, LCSW, HS-BCP; 8+ yrs experience.
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