How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask psychlady Your Own Question

psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
psychlady is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Toxic relationship

Resolved Question:

I am having a very hard time breaking free from a toxic relationship. It is an affair I had with a much younger man, and it was very verbally abusive on his part. Still, I find myself wanting things back the way they "used to be" before the verbal abuse started. He actually lived with us for awhile, and the physical relationship was incredible. So much so that I can't get it out of my mind enough to let him go.   My husband and I have no physical relationship as I am totally uninterested in him in that way.  I am only interested in a physical relationship with this younger man.  It's terrible.

Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

It sounds like there is a possibility that you are romanticizing this younger guy. That is what we call this when you remember the positive things about the relationship but minimize the negative things like verbal abuse. This helps people return to toxic relationships where the abuse is almost forgotten or you find yourself remembering the relationship as better than it is. You need to remove your focus on what once was and focus on your husband. If you truly aren't interested then move on and allow him the same. Don't fill a void with this negative relationship or one that isn't working. There is marriage counseling if you want your marriage to work. Decide what you want and pursue that but don't assume that any relationship can return to earlier times or be different because some time has passed. I would focus on the relationship you want and make that happen.


If this has been helpful press accept

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
The problem is that I am quite a bit older and can't imagine myself in the dating scene. My husband and I have drifted apart before the younger guy came into the picture. He is significantly younger than me, and physically much more...well, more. My husband is a very good man and I feel guilty, but at the same time I can't see myself giving up my sexuality for the rest of my life. I understand what you are saying about letting BOTH of them go if necessary, but there is a child involved (mine and my husband'), and it would devastate the family. In addition, my husband is very homesick as he is from Canada and has no friends or family here. He chooses to watch TV or play a video game rather than get involved in anything. I have tried and tried to get this young man out of my mind, but I keep drifting back. I haven't seen him in 4 months: the last time he actually left me in a downtown city because he perceived that I "snapped at him" about where we were going to eat. I had to take a cab back to the hotel, as I was several blocks away. I just can't get him out of my mind, as we were very close for over 3 years, 2 of which he lived with us. Any one piece of further advice you can give me would be very helpful.
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
Then you have more to lose with husband. If you can't leave him that is where your obligation lies. You have to let this younger guy know. If you aren't going to leave you have no choice. Reconnecting is going to hurt you and your family. There is no other way to navigate these two men. There is leaving or cheating. You don't have to stay out of obligation. Children transition all the time. But if your decision is to stay then you have to let him go.
psychlady and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

Related Relationship Questions