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Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1162
Experience:  Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
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My ex and i split up in 2005 (we have a child together), over

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My ex and i split up in 2005 (we have a child together), over the following yrs we saw each other as and when, me longing to get him back, him just being immature.

6mths ago he asked me back properly, he told me and txt me thast he loved me, he was sorry at the way he had been treating me over the yrs. Money was no object, he bought me a car, I insisted on paying him back, I hate borrowing. He bought me a new front door. He could not do enuf for me.

after about 4 weeks, the txts became fewer, he didnt see me as much, he hadnt even told any1 we were back together, doesnt hold my hand, kiss or hug me in public, he works shifts and is also a part time fireman, so we dont see each other at all at night.

He says nothing has changed he still feels the same but he is very busy at the moment, he says. We still go out as a family on occassion and we do get to each other alone very occassionally too.

The problem is the woman he cheated with whilst with me and left me for her, well they moved in2gether, their house was right behind his mum and dads, he left her after 3yrs, she is still in the house and he lives behind with his parents. They do still talk over the fence and she will pop around now and again. I am motrtified by this, as I think he maybe sneaking over to hers when ive taken our son back home.

I am so sick of these feelings Im getting, jealousy, violent thoughts, rejection, I cannot stop crying and all my get up and go has gione.

How can I stop0 these thoughts or do you think there is sumthing happening between them
-x-
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 4 years ago.

nphbrown :

Do you have a job or some other focus for your life besides your child? Could you ask him to plan a good vacation for you as a family when he has some holidays?

nphbrown :

It seems like the only thing he has that you're not sure he's going to give you is his time. That's why I'm suggesting you "apply" for a complete dedication of day-in day-out as well as some expense to go somewhere really attractive for you and your child. THAT could serve as his visible commitment to having a satisfying life together with you. Then you can ask him to get his other woman to move out of the house right by his parents so she is NOT a part of his life or your family's neighborhood. Even if finances are tight, that is NOT too much to ask. His reaction to that will tell you quite a bit about whether he's willing to recommit to you or not. You should not have her right there on his doorstep waiting for your relationship to tank again so she can jump in with him.

nphbrown :

Since he hasn't married either you or the other woman, you're probably not going to have the peace of mind you need unless he makes arrangements for the other woman to move far enough away that there's no chance of rubbing shoulders without very definite intention to intrude. If he won't do that, then I'd feel the same way you do: threatened, on probation. But in fact he's also on probation with you, that is to prove that he will not jump ship again, even if you get into a rough passage.

nphbrown :

And one more thing. What's keeping him from marrying you? I don't know how your customs about marriage are going in UK, but as long as you're not married he hasn't done everything he can to treat you right. Are you afraid of what would happen if you ask that? [I'm not suggesting you do that right away. The other two steps could come first--tho you'll know better than I about that.] How do his parents feel about you? Don't they have to take a stand too? But don't leave it up to them, cuz it's your move first.

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