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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I hurt my ex boyfriend a lot by cheating on him early January

Customer Question

I hurt my ex boyfriend a lot by cheating on him early January of this year, then pushed him away until May when I decided I made a mistake and wanted to get back with him. Please don't judge me for cheating.. it was a mistake and I only did it because he wasn't giving me any attention and I didn't feel wanted.

Anyway, he told me he couldn't be with me right now because he was still too hurt and afraid to get involved again but told me he could see us in the future.
However, he couldnt guarantee me anything and at the same time was rude to me and never wanted to talk to me so I told him I was done and changed my number.

one of my guy friends who likes him texted him telling him basically that i was now his and he will make me forget all about him.
after hearing this, he texted one of my friends trying to get ahold of me to "straighten things out"

i called from my moms phone and upon talking to him he told me he missed me and loved me, something i havent heard from him in months. he was basically panicking that i found someone else when the kid is only a friend and i dont plan on dating him.

now he tells me that he wants to just talk regular as friends and see how it goes and basically admitted he is afraid of losing me.

he did lie about having sex with a girl after we broke up and denied it until finally one of his friends told me.

he told me he wants to be single, then he said well since u have someone else im going to go get a girlfriend.

he is being selfish. he wants the best of both worlds and i dont know what to do.

why cant be be with me, but at the same time why cant he let me go?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

You have to decide on your own whether or not this relationship is going to work. You yourself say that he is selfish and wants everything. I feel the same way. He seems to be using your cheating as an excuse to make half a commitment. A relationship can't survive on that. He can't treat someone like they are worth half a commitment. I would put a stop to it by letting him know what your boundaries and expectations are. If you want a full time boyfriend then let him know that. I would not get sucked into words that mean nothing because he can't stand behind them. Don't worry about if he has a girlfriend. Worry about moving on. If he wanted a relationship he wouldn't be saying these things. Force him to let you go. Stop all communication and don't respond to his comments.

 

If this has been helpful press accept

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
do you not think he really loves me?? why is he scared that i may have found someone else?
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
If he loves you it is a self centered love. That doesn't mean that he doesn't. He may just be that kind of person. If he doesn't want you to move on this may be part of being self centered or he may genuinely care.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
He said he just needs a little time
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
Then give it. It could work out
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I leave for college in two weeks almost two hours away
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
Find out from him on a plan with a time frame. You may find that he has a time frame in mind and go from there
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
He doesn't know he can't give me s time but maybe now he had a scare he will be more reasonable
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
I think so too. This is your time to ask for some of the things you want.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
He said he misses me an wants to be with me but is scared and I told him he needs to get over it or he will lose me then he suggested we just talk as friends and see how it goes
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
That friend excuse is a road to nowhere. Usually it means I will keep your feelings on the line while I do what i want to do and be your friend. It is your decision. My rule is that if you aren't a good boyfriend you aren't a good friend. I expect just as much from my friends.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
If he can't agree to work things out should I just stop responding to him
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
Yes. If he isn't willing to work on things as boyfriend and girlfriend then there is nothing to talk about
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
should i just leave it alone and wait for him to contact me?? im not chasing

i know i hurt him but he should know if he wants to be with me or not.

if he says he doesnt know and needs time and isnt sure if he can be with me, should i just move on?
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
You can leave it alone. It is always to your advantage to see what he does. Then the responsibility falls on him. I totally agree! He should know. I think you should move on as much as you want to considering your feelings. Moving on does give you closure rather than wondering. You have to be okay with or without him being in your life. Do what makes you happy now
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Wow so he came over and we has sex.. This just happened. He said he is just afraid and can see us together but doesn't know and thinks we should talk casually and see what happens.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
I can understand that he has some fears but don't give too much. I would stress that you need to define casually. Make sure your definition matches his. But it's okay to see what happens.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
He wants to just talk normal. Not about us or the relationship or future . I just don't know what to do now. I don't know if it's worth it
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
If this superficial arrangement works for you then that's fine. What he is saying is that you will still see each other, have sex and be together but you won't talk about anything important. That sounds like a one sided relationship in his favor. If it's not what you want you have a decision to make
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
He doesn't want to be together though.. He doesn't even want sex I came onto him
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
It still seems on sided. If he doesn't want to be together there is no reason to be a couple at all. Then let it go rather than be in this arrangement
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
yeah i dont understand why he's so hesitant and needs so much time... he said its a mixure of hurt , trust and little things... its just annoying now.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Is he worth waiting for? He Obviously doesn't even value me that much.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
If he doesn't value you then he isn't worth waiting for. You shouldn't be with anyone who doesn't value you. If the relationship is making you unhappy he isn't worth waiting for either. Maybe it's time to move on
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Do you think he doesn't value me? He said he can't be with me because he is scared and just wants to talk normal to see if we can even do it.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
If he wanted to be with you he wouldn't need to talk normal. He would just do it.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
He says he is scared
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
he is hesitant because of everything that happened, and doesnt know if we will be able to do it again so he wants to take it slow and see how things go.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
It's okay to take it slow. That will give him a chance to gain confidence in the relationship. Have faith and let him take his time. He needs time to recover and this is his way of wanting to trust you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
do you really think he is serious, though? he doesnt want to be with me, at the same time doesnt want me with anyone else otherwise he'll go find someone. i just dont know if he's playing head games or if he actually intends to be with me and misses me.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
If he doesn't want to be with anyone else then he probably is serious. But he has to act like it. You can't have intentions in your mind but then do anything you want. He is the only one that knows what he intends to do. You have to find a way to get honest answers in this relationship. Then you would be so anxious. He has to promote a healthy line of communication and be honest with you. Otherwise nothing will change.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
He doesn't like to discuss us.. He just wants to take it slow and talk as friends. I just think it's wrong how he tells me he wants to be single and when he thinks he will lose me he tells me he loves me and if I find someone else he will too.. If i move on he will too and if I don't I could wait around forever for nothing..
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I just don't understand what he is waiting for
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
He isn't waiting for anything. You are doing the waiting. I think you are compromising way too much. He has you waiting and I think he is buying time until he figures out what he wants to do. You could wait for nothing. Personally I think this I need space excuse is just that but it's up to you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Why do you think he is holding me around for so long
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
like what is he doing with all this time? i dont understand why he has me waiting.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
he says he can see us working things out but doesnt know, wont give me a time frame, says sometime in the future.. wants to see how things go its just annoying... i think ill look for someone else in the meantime

on of my friends thinks he is waiting to see how serious i am, to see if i will stick around.. because hes afraid to get hurt.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

He has you waiting because he can. I am starting to think it is to stroke his ego. I hope not. This ability to be vague also worries me. I think you should look for happiness. If he isn't it then so be it. He may be trying to get you to prove yourself but I think that is totally unfair. He knows his motives. This all seems so chaotic. I couldn't deal with it. It all seems so selfish. I just don't think he is going to put your needs first - or second.

 

Be back tomorrow

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
you're right.. it is selfish. he wants to take things slow and see how things go but for what reason? ? he either wants me or he doesnt when it comes down to it and if he doesnt know that answer now then what will have to change for him to figure it out? absolutely nothing. i'm sick of sitting here not knowing whats going to happen.. i'm moving on if he can't agree to work things out..
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

I totally agree. He knows what he wants. This break thing is ridiculous. He either wants a relationship or he doesn't. I completely agree with your solution. Take back your power and give up waiting.

 

Signing off but wishing you the best

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
do you think he even cares about me? :(
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
i talked to him today and asked why he didnt want to date and he said that he has girl friends who like him but he oesnt want to do anything about it.

it made me upset that he'd go and bring up girls who like him. i dont care.....

i just want to forget him. it hurts too much. things arent the same. i cant just talk to him normally as friends.. i just cant do it..

he has to learn to miss me. somehow.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
What is that about. Girlfriends? There is no way you are making the wrong decision now. I strongly discourage friends. Just drop him and see what happens.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
He should know in his heart If he has intentions on getting back with me... I know he has an idea. I don't know why he is buying time. Why do you think that is?
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
I absolutely agree. That is a huge problem that he can't committ even now that you have given him more than enough chances. I don't know either. I fear that he is taking advantage of you just because he can. I hope that isn't the case but I can't think of a clear cut reason why he would need all this time. He should know what he wants.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I think this is about a lot more than him being afraid because I hurt him
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

Maybe he is being hesitant but don't give him too much of an out. He still is dragging his feet. You can find out if this fear or hesitency but he has to tell you then. He can't just withdraw. See if this is because of what has happened. You have to talk about it.

 

Be back at 3:00

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
He told me he is hesitant because of not being able to trust me along with other factors he didn't tell me.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
Find out what those factors are. Then you can work on them once they are identified, You also can decide if you want to change something you are doing. Don't let him get through this by being vague. Tell him you need to know what they are. What can you do to help him trust you. He has to let you know what would help him
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
psychlady and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
do you think he is just playing mind games with me and likes osmeone else? why would he need this much time.. there has to be someone else, right? no one wants to be single.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
What indicates there isn't anyone else ?
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
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psychlady
psychlady
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I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues