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MrsRuss0114
MrsRuss0114, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 214
Experience:  B.A.Psychology, MSW, LCSW, HS-BCP; 8+ yrs experience.
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Hi, I am in need of some advice on my relationship. I have

Customer Question

Hi, I am in need of some advice on my relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and 8 months. We are currently going through something that is really testing it. My boyfriend got accepted into a graduate school 4-5 hours away from where I live (where we met). I offered to move there because I just graduated from school in may and I have more flexibility. He got really nervous about it so I gave him a week to think about things...I didn't call or text him for a week. So I called him last night because that is when we agreed to talk about it. So he told me that the reason he is scared is because I am his first and only real girlfriend and he really likes me but he wonders if this relationship is what he is looking for long term. He doesn't really know what he is looking for but knows that he likes us. He didn't break up with me because he likes me and wants to try to fix thing. I don't know if this is normal and this is something I should work through or if I should get out of the relationship. I am crazy about him but I feel like he is taking our relationship for granted. I am 23 and he is 24. I would really appreciate your advice. :)
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  MrsRuss0114 replied 2 years ago.

Russ0114 :

Hello and thank you for choosing just answer, I look forward to assisting you.

Russ0114 :

I can tell you that what you're going through is normal, the two of you are still fairly young and it's quite natural for him to wonder what else if he's never been with anyone but you.

Russ0114 :

As human beings, we always think about the what ifs and fall victim to the grass isn't always greener on the other side cliche

Russ0114 :

It sounds like you know what you want but he's unsure right now and the possibility of moving to a new city probably excites him but it's overwhelming to think about maintaining a relationship when there may be new ones to develop.

Customer:

He is actually moving to his hometown where he came from...he was here for school and has only lived here for 2 years.

Russ0114 :

I think the two of you should really hammer out if you moving to be near him will be a good idea or if you thought about staying where you are currently how that would effect your realtionship.

Russ0114 :

Oh ok.

Customer:

Well I am afraid to move there now because it is making him nervous. So I think we would do the long distance thing for awhile

Russ0114 :

In doing the long distance, have the two of you decided if you will continue to be exclusive or will you see other people?

Customer:

Do you think it is possible for him to work things out in his head on his own or does he have to actually experience other people for him to realize he wants this

Customer:

As of right now we would be exclusive

Russ0114 :

I do think it's possible for him to work things out w/o seeing other people especially with you two maintaining a long distance relationship.

Russ0114 :

The distance may be all he needs to realize that it's you that he wants to be with.

Customer:

We actually broke up about 8 months because he freaked out when I said I love you...he still has never said it back. So after a week he came back to me telling me that he is sorry and that he wants to be together....

Customer:

so what do I do now?

Customer:

he was really upset with himself last night and crying so he asked if we could talk today because he was just down so what do I say to get us to move forward

Customer:

and we have been living apart this whole summer because he moved there for a summer internship he just isn't coming back now

Russ0114 :

Well, first, in relationships, people don't necessarily arrive at the "I Love You" point at the same time which is ok.

Russ0114 :

When you talk to him you can tell him that you are still willing to put your all in this relationship until he tells or shows you that you shouldn't.

Russ0114 :

Let him know that in an effort to give him space but also maintain your relationship you've decided not to move there (if you haven't told him already) but that you have no desire to see other people and you want to remain exclusive with him.

Customer:

Ok

Customer:

I agree with the I love you thing. I just wonder how long should go by until it isn't ok anymore. He did tell me that he thinks he can't say it because he sees it as something you say to someone you are going to marry...and he is never "sure" about us

Customer:

I really like your advice on what to say to him to try to move on

Russ0114 :

I think you have to determine how long is too long for you....

Russ0114 :

Considering, the two of you will be long distance, if he isn't sure about the two of you in 1 year, then you may have to re-evaluate your relationship, you know?

Russ0114 :

1 year gives him enough time to get re-settled in whatever it is he'll be doing and figure things out.

Customer:

Yeah, that makes sense. So I should just give him more time?

Russ0114 :

I say give it a little more time unless something comes up in between that you feel is enough to re-evaluate right then and there.

Customer:

I feel like in a year we will be at the same point because he has 2 years of school left and I feel that he is focused on school and has his blinders on to everything else. He doesn't ever think of life after school he only thinks day-to-day. The way he thought before he had a girlfriend was that he was going to meet someone but it wouldn't really go anywhere until after he was done with school

Russ0114 :

With that in mind, if you truly feel that things will still be the same and if you're not completely happy with how things are now, you can mention this to him as well. Hear what he has to say and then decide what your next step will be.

Russ0114 :

If he agrees completely and doesn't give you any reason to believe things will be different then it may be best to put things on hold so that he can focus on school and if the two of you are free when he's done see if you can try it again.

Customer:

Another concern I have our backgrounds. My past has made me have to grow up at a young age and make big decisions all the time. So from a young age I have kind of had an idea of what type of person I wanted to be with because of all of my life experiences...his life is different though. His life is a cake walk and he has everything handed to him and he never has to worry about anything except school...his internship is at his dad's office so he doesn't even have to worry about a job so I feel that is part of the reason that he doesn't know what he wants because he has never had to think about anything big before. Do you think it is possible for him to catch up?

Customer:

*is our backgrounds

Russ0114 :

Unfortunately, it sounds like he will always have things handed to him as long as his family is involved.

Customer:

At this specific point and time I am not happy because I know that he is doubting us. But when we aren't having talks like this I am really happy he is a great boyfriend and I don't want to give up I just want to do what is best to help him figure things out

Russ0114 :

With that said, you're always going to be miles ahead of him especially when it comes to knowing what it is you want versus someone telling you what you want or just giving you something that you may have never even thought that you wanted.

Russ0114 :

I think having that discussion with him but also adding the piece of him focusing solely on school will help provide you with more clarity.

Customer:

True.

Russ0114 :

Hopefully, he will realize what your relationship means to him and be willing to put in the work to maintain and trust it.

Russ0114 :

Is there anything else you wanted to discuss?


 

Customer:

Yes, If things go well how long should I wait to move there?

Customer:

I really want to go now, but I am not going to because of his doubts but I want to wait long enough

Russ0114 :

Go with your gut feeling, if you know and feel that he is sure and you're no longer uneasy then give it about a month (that way you have time to get things in order to relocate)

Russ0114 :

A month doesn't seem like you're rushing or procrastinating

Customer:

Ok, and is there anything I can do over the next year to try to push him into figuring out his feelings without pressuring him

Russ0114 :

I think you're just going to have to be patient, if this is what you really want, outside of having periodical discussions with him as sort of a check-in anything else may seem like you're pressuring him.

Russ0114 :

If you start to become completely unhappy, then be honest with him about your feelings and see where that goes.

Russ0114 :

I think maintaining open and honest communication is going to be your best asset here.

Customer:

Ok that is what I was thinking. Someone recently told me to make him figure things out...but I didn't think that was possible

Russ0114 :

You're right it's like trying to make someone tie your shoe, not really gonna happen. We can't control what other people do, say or feel we can only control what we contribute to their decisions in doing so...

Customer:

Makes sense.

Russ0114 :

You sound like you have a very good idea of when to do what based on the feeling(s) you get and that's a great thing to have. Trust your gut and don't second guess yourself especially if you've given it all you've got.

Customer:

Thanks for your reaassurance.

Russ0114 :

You got it!

Russ0114 :

Best of luck to you and I truly hope everything works out!

Customer:

Thanks I appreciate it. I am going to put my all in and see what happens!

MrsRuss0114, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 214
Experience: B.A.Psychology, MSW, LCSW, HS-BCP; 8+ yrs experience.
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