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MrsRuss0114
MrsRuss0114, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 214
Experience:  B.A.Psychology, MSW, LCSW, HS-BCP; 8+ yrs experience.
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ive just been found out that ive been txting another woman

Customer Question

i've just been found out that iv'e been txting another woman by my wife,i was confiding in this other woman,she would talk to me,listen to me,as i felt that my wife at home hasn't shown any affection towards me for some time now,not even the small things like a hug,she never tells me she loves me even though ive tried many times to tell her that a husband needs reasurence sometimes,i love my wife dearly ive suggested marrige councelling but she said that she doesn't have the problem. please help
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  MrsRuss0114 replied 3 years ago.

Russ0114 :

Hello and thank you for choosing just answer, I look forward to assisting you.

Russ0114 :

Please give me a moment to read the information that you've shared.

Russ0114 :

Unfortunately, if your wife doesn't accept that she shares some of the blame, you will forever find yourself in this type of cycle.

Russ0114 :

My suggestion is that you give her some time to be upset about the texting but when the two of you are able, sit down and talk with her about everything. Put it all out there.


 

Russ0114 :

Prior to doing so, you have to make a decision as to how you're going to live the rest of your life should your marriage remain the same. Once you know what it is you want and what you're willing to do should that not happen, then express that to your wife.

Russ0114 :

Reiterate to her that you're willing to work on your marriage but the problem doesn't lie solely with you and in order for the two of you to go on, things have to be different because you feel like you're needs are not getting met which is causing you to seek these things elsewhere.

Customer:

about 3yrs ago something simillar happened for exactly the same reasons,it was very difficult time but we got through it but things went the same way again,all i wanted was for my wife to show some affection towards me and not treat me like lodger or flatmate.she says that with studying for exams and taking on a new job that she is stressed,i help out as much as possible as i work nightshifts for 12hrs. surely she must realise that even men have the need to be hugged or shown that they are loved

Russ0114 :

I think you hit the nail right on the head, this seems to be a cycle for the two of you and unfortunately may continue to be so...

Russ0114 :

Things may change briefly but will possibly always end up back where they are now.

Russ0114 :

It sounds like her priorities are different and nurturing your relationship is not at the top of them.

Customer:

my wife is a fantastic mother and she is a good wife apart from what ive mentioned,she is very angry right now and isn't thinking straight,we have three children all under the age of 12yrs,she wants to separate,sell the home etc,its only been 3days since she discovered the txts.i was txting this other woman for 6months every day,she would go out of her way to ask how i was feeling,id ask her for advise etc.the other woman is married and has just had a child a week ago,she is happy with her lot. when my wife confronted me everything was about me nothing about why i did it.we were not sleeping together much so she thinks that i was sleeping with this other woman,i wasn't .plus ive also had a vascectomy.

Russ0114 :

This is an unfortunate matter you're facing but for some reason or another, you're wife doesn't feel she has any part in how things have become between the two of you and she may never.

Russ0114 :

Another piece may be that she just wants out of your marriage and is using this as her way which is why she's not agreeing to counseling.

Russ0114 :

Once able, the two of you really need to sit down and hash it all out and figure out where to go from here.

Customer:

i love dearly and will fight for our marrige,we have a very close familly apart from this major issue. my wife has taken her wedding rings off in anger,how long should i wait to talk bout this

Russ0114 :

How long has it been since the two of you have spoken?

Customer:

we had a big argument about it yesterday,but she was very bitter,she is going out with friends at the weekend drinking alcohol,i believe this will make her worse but i can't stop her.

Russ0114 :

I think you should give it a week or so, see where she's at and then try to talk about it if you feel she's in a better state.

Customer:

this was a pre arranged meeting with her friends, she says not to be home when she gets in because she is very angry,she says i should sleep at my moms

Russ0114 :

How do you feel about that?

Customer:

when we argued i asked if she loves me she says she did until this happened,surely you cant fall out of love that quickly?

Russ0114 :

I don't think so, which is why I think this is something that she's using as an out.

Customer:

i think shes putting on a brave face,her mom said she loves me dearly but why doesn't she show affection?

Russ0114 :

That may just be her way. Has she ever consistently shown affection?

Customer:

in the early days but like i said its nice to feel loved and not taken for granted

Russ0114 :

I understand however, for some reason, your wife does not see it necessary to be affectionate (just based on the information you've shared). I think once you're able to talk with her, you should ask her what changed that she now is unable to be this way with you.

Customer:

thanks for the advice i will try to take it forward.

MrsRuss0114, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 214
Experience: B.A.Psychology, MSW, LCSW, HS-BCP; 8+ yrs experience.
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MrsRuss0114
MrsRuss0114
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214 Satisfied Customers
B.A.Psychology, MSW, LCSW, HS-BCP; 8+ yrs experience.