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MrsRuss0114
MrsRuss0114, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 214
Experience:  B.A.Psychology, MSW, LCSW, HS-BCP; 8+ yrs experience.
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My husband died suddenly 15 months ago and I am 50 years of

Customer Question

My husband died suddenly 15 months ago and I am 50 years of age. I have got through the past year with the support of friends and family but over the past 6 weeks have become involved with a guy who has been doing work for me on the house. He is kind and has made me feel alive and attractive but now it has developed into a sexual relationship and I can't think about anything else. He is in a relationship so I know this can't go anywhere and I don't want to hurt anyone or get hurt myself yet I can't understand why I am happy to have sex with him and really enjoy it. This is so against everything I believe or stand for. Is this normal after bereavement. I just feel so sexually charged when I see him. I don't want to live with him so I don't love him in that way but I just enjoy his attention and don't seem to have any willpower when he is around. This is worrying me that I can behave like this and just feels very out of character.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  MrsRuss0114 replied 2 years ago.

Russ0114 :

Hello and thank you for choosing just answer, I look forward to assisting you.

Russ0114 :

Please give me a moment to read the information you've shared.

Russ0114 :

First, my condolences on the loss of your husband.

Customer:

Thank you

Russ0114 :

It sounds like you and this gentleman just have great sexual chemistry....


 

Russ0114 :

I think a part of it also has to do with you missing that intimacy in your life since the passing of your husband.

Russ0114 :

As such, you met someone who can A. not only fill that void but that for some reason you're naturally attracted too.

Russ0114 :

So, in part, you could say that this is a natural course after bereavement considering you're still a young woman and your needs and desires do not go away because your husband is no longer there.


 

Customer:

I sort of understand that but whilst I worry that my kids might find out or his partner, there is also a scary part of me that doesn't care which is just not me normally. I have seen friends broken hearted through husbands having affairs so this is why I worry that I have changed somewhat

Customer:

and have become more selfish

Russ0114 :

It sounds like (and correct me if I'm wrong) that your husband was taken from you suddenly so in a way, you were cheated. Possibly subconsciously, you're justifying what you have with this gentleman because you feel you're owed....

Customer:

Yes my husband died suddenly so maybe there could be an element of being owed but I want this to continue and yet know it can't go anywhere.

Russ0114 :

Right now, as you said, you feel alive and after greiving and not knowing what to do from one day to the next, your mind, body and soul is craving the feeling you're getting now.

Russ0114 :

However, at some point, you have to make a decision as to what you really want from this.

Russ0114 :

If you want more and you know that it will never be then, you may need to gather all of your strength and cut ties before going any further.

Russ0114 :

At the same time, in doing so, you need to get out and mingle, date, meet people so that you don't cut yourself off from the possibilites of meeting and being with someone who is completely available to you.

Customer:

I don't want a future with him or to mess up his family life as he has two very young children although he is 53, I think it is a very strong sexual chemistry which is going to have to end but I selfishly just want to enjoy it for a few weeks before I go on two holidays. I am going out a lot and mingling so definately not cutting myself off which makes it all harder for me to understand why this guy. I think there may be an element of safety in this as I know him and trust him too. He enjoys being with me as he says he feels happy and just thinks I'm fantastic.

Russ0114 :

That's great that you're getting out and I agree, it's the comfort of knowing him and all of the things he provides which makes you want to keep the sexual relationship going and on top of that the good sex doesn't hurt :)

Russ0114 :

You're getting all of your needs met by this man and natuarlly you don't want that to end although you know what truly has to be.

Customer:

I know, we want to be able to work together in the future as I develop properties and we work well together that way as well. I know it has to finish as a sexual relationship but I worry that I will be reckless in the future with any potential relationships or do you think this is perhaps another phase of bereavement and grief?

Russ0114 :

I think as much as you're enjoying this, as you stated, you know that this is uncharacteristic of you but is kind of what you need right now. I think the worry comes from how things evolved with this gentleman but I wouldn't worry so much about future relationships. As you continue to heal, you're going to find out more and more about yourself and will have a refreshed outlook on life and relationships.


 

Russ0114 :

It also sounds like there's an element of fear there and the reason you've become so comfortable in this relationship is because of the fact that you know it won't go anywhere so that protects you from having to deal with the possibility of a situation like your husbands sudden death.

Customer:

I guess my attitude to life is a bit now like go out and enjoy it as I don't know what is going to happen - life has proved not to work out as it should have. I also feel that I want to play rather than look for a long term relationship - is that a self protection act as well do you think then

Russ0114 :

That is most definitely self protection

Russ0114 :

And that's all part of your grieving process.

Customer:

Okay that's interesting! Makes me worry about hurting this guy then although he's a bit of the attitude of this has come our way why fight it due to being badly hurt in the past by another partnre.

Russ0114 :

I think just sharing with him that although he makes you feel wonderful and fabulous, the bigger draw is the fact that there are really no strings attached which is what you feel you need right now. Definitely not trying to hurt but more so, trying to protect yourself from feeling the kind of hurt you felt after losing your husband.

Customer:

eokay, thanks, XXXXX XXXXX that has been very helpful. Very interesting really as everyone around m thinks I am doing very well in moving forward but

Customer:

but maybe I'm more fragile than I think

Russ0114 :

It sounds like you're definitely putting your best foot forward but there are still parts of you that are pacing as a way to try and protect you from going through something like this again. Now, we all know that this is not completely avoidable as we will go through many hurts, losses in life but we have a way of trying to buffer that as much as possible.

Customer:

Many thanks, XXXXX XXXXX been really good and I think I understand my actions a little more now

MrsRuss0114, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 214
Experience: B.A.Psychology, MSW, LCSW, HS-BCP; 8+ yrs experience.
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