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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Good relationship but dealing with stress.

Customer Question

My girlfriend and I are going through a distance phase. She has many many things going on in her life, nursing school boards, her daughter, new job (which are overnights), her cousins wedding(bachelorette party, planning,etc..), and her daughters father coming home from prison .A couple of weeks ago she asked if we could slow down, and I did.  But then less then a week went by and she was back to doing what she was doing before making time for us and being with me.  Everything was great up until all of this stress and pressure showed up. I am being patient and understanding. I truly am, I have backed off and let her initate mostly everyting. We talk via texting mostly everyday. Just not as much. What do I do?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

It sounds like she struggling with a lot of stressors right now. This could be the end of a relationship or more likely just a temporary phase where she has exceptionally high stress. Circumstances like this can try a relationship but is not fatal. I would talk this out with her and tell her that you need to be able to support her but she needs to lean on you somewhat so that the relationship is not strained. You can be a source of support for her but she right now has to be open and honest. Encourage her to not withdraw from you and use this as a way to get closer. You may have to take on some of the grief but the relationship will be stronger for it. Try to work out boundaries for your relationship including these new stressors. For instance how often will you talk during the day, what will she do when she needs your support, and how will you function as a couple.

See is she benefits those good night texts. Maybe that would make her feel happy at night when she needs it the most. As you lay out new boundaries you will learn to withstand stress as a couple. Have this discussion as soon as possible


Customer: replied 5 years ago.
She has been very open and honest with how she deals with stress. She climbs into her hole and just deals with it. One thing that she has always told me is if she is going to end it she will just end it. Not via text or phone but to my face. She reassures me that she isn't going anywhere, but that has been a couple of weeks now. She does give me a heads up when its coming, like we won't see each other much this week. But then she makes time. I am so confused.
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
It is great that she feels she is a direct person. But you can't say ahead of time what you would do with a new partner. It sounds like she is sending mixed messages. That leaves partners confused. If she is so direct have a conversation about this and tell her your expectations. There has to be compromise to be a relationship. You also have to know what she is thinking. Ask her
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Ok, I understand what you are saying. But if she has stated that she isn't going to go anywhere, loves what we have and where we are going. Why is she doing this? I know ppl deal with stress in different ways but she doesn't have to deal with it this way. I have talked to her about what she does when she is stressed. I have seen improvements then it comes back and we are back to where we once were. I honestly think that she wants to be here but something else is causing her to stay away. I can't answer for her, but I see a future with her if she will just get over this stressful period.
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

Then you have a choice to accept what she is saying as face value or not. She is saying there is no problem. You have to take the initiative to share your concerns with her - specifically why you are having doubts. You have to talk about stress and alternatives ways to deal with it that won't damage the relationship. Let her know what your expectations are and how you feel when she stays away. You may very well see a future. That is why it is important to cover this with her now. If you have a future together then there may be others events that put a strain on you both. Handle this one now so the next time there isn't this unhappiness


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