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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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Its a stay or go moment in my relationship. Live in partner

Resolved Question:

Its a stay or go moment in my relationship. Live in partner with children involved. Laundry list of relationship contaminating mistakes and things about us as individuals that do not mesh. So do you go against every screaming cell in your body that says "get away fr him" just because he's been better for a week and is full of promises?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 2 years ago.

Dr Rossi :

Hi, it would be unhealthy to go against what you believe you ought to do. Good behavior for a week is not sufficient to show long term positive changes on your partners end. You've got to figure out what is a reasonable time frame during which you want to see some solid improvement that will be permanent. Another option would be couple's therapy or coaching. You listed counseling under things already tried bit it is unclear if it was individual or couple's counsleing. If you have less things in common than not, often it is an indicator that the partnership may not be healhty or long lasting. It all depends on how these changes are handled/managed and what compromises or sacrifices each partner is willing to engage in.

Customer:


I'm 25, female, mother of three. Twice divorced. Was raised by my father and step mother (almost perfect childhood) Um history on me as part of the problem in current relationship is I've never ever been single for longer than two weeks since oh.....kinder garden. I've always attached myself to someone. My first marriage was abusive and I was not out of high school yet on my wedding day. Currently I'm living in a home I own with my 33 yr old never married boyfriend. I have soul custody of all of my children. I'm an accountant he is a landscaper. The things that have happened to me in our relationship are embarrassing and frighting and have caused me to question myself. Ok, he slept with my only friend. He has a daughter fr a former relationship and when I go to pick his kid up with him, trip takes 2 hrs. If he goes alone, trip takes 4 hrs. He is very controlling and jealous. I mean checks my cell phone, tells me when the sex is, withholds sex, gets very angry if the history on our web browser appears edited. I catch him texting other women about how good looking they are (5 occasions in our 18 month relationship) Arguments have resulted in bruises on my arms and neck (3 confrontations got physical). I hear about bad things he's said about me to other people (to my own family even) There is some sort of argument every two days usually starting with him being jealous or me being evasive. Um, things I have done and am guilty of are I gave his dog away and lied to him about because he told me he was going to kill it for eating his chickens. I texted an ex back and forth for like two weeks and hid it fr him. I don't tell him when I'm having money trouble...I borrow it fr my boss and lie about why my check is lower when it comes time to pay my employer back. Other than that I'm a decent person and I have been good to him. I bought him a truck, I help him with his child support, I never complain about how high the grass it. I pay attention to his posture and read him and always gear what I give him based on what he needs right then. I flat out told him that I'd been good to him, and I'd put up with a lot, but I didn't know what I was trying so hard for. I'd never make him happy enough to get treated right. And he didn't pick a single fight with me for 3 WHOLE days. Yea, I'm ready to throw in the towel. But my children are attached and he is good to them. But am I in danger if I stay with him? Is a shot at love and a chance at not ripping the kids fr another parent figure worth the risk of ending in a domestic violence situation? He seems to have comprehended how I've been impacted and does seem ready to change and heal and own up to what he needs in himself before he can be the other half of my relationship. But this revelation of his was approximately two weeks ago, and he isnt yelling but he's very distant and only shows affection when he feels the threat of me leaving.

Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 2 years ago.

"But am I in danger if I stay with him? Is a shot at love and a chance at not ripping the kids fr another parent figure worth the risk of ending in a domestic violence situation?"

 

Past behavior is a reasonable predictor of future behavior. You've got more negative behavior over a long term of period and few days of calm. A question to ask yourself is- why did it have to get to this point- leaving to push a change in his behavior? The kids may not be threatened now, but would you be willing to wait to see if that changes? Love is non abusive. It is unhealthy to stay with someone just for the sake of the kids. In order to make a wise decision, you'd have to be honest with yourself and know for sure what is it you want out of a relationship and what you want from a partner in the next 5 years, and if this person can give it to you.

Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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