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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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girl friend with a distant slutty past

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I am 36. In the last seven months I have seperated from my wife after years of drifting apart. Within the last six weeks i have met a great women that i have fallen for and she me, she is 36. I have learnt that she real was not shy with the amounts of fellas she slept with in her late teen and early twenties and indeed from the indications i have had does not have any sexual ambitions left, I am a member of HM Forces and hearing snippets of stories in passing references from her friends and family of her taking 3 or 4 marines home does not sit easily with me. she had a very troubled child hood, lack of parental affection and sexual abuse from baby sitters, indeed she was raped in her twenties- a more stereo typical set of circumstance you could not find in a text book. I love and she me but can't find a way of dismissing her slutty past even though i understand where her head was and her need for affection safety... We have spoken about it and she assured me that her past pales into insignificance with what she feels for me. Any ideas on how i can reconcile this in my head apart from the past is in the past and i am what she wants and loves, she was a different person then?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

I run a sexual disorders clinic and she developed a pattern that victims often do. They look for validation in meaningless sex because that is what she learned. That her only value is sex and when she has that she is valuable. unfortunately that is what victims learn from abuse. Her history is textbook of sexual conquests because life has taught her that she can only get love from sex. If you learn more about victims you will see what I am saying and how her brain functioned at the time. She probably has since learned that this thinking is dysfunctional but in 20's did not understand herself yet. Victims can also recover from this thinking and change their lives totally when they have a relationship that is built on more than sex. She may have changed over the years and can now appreciate a relationship. Her past is not her present! She is worthy of a chance and you can learn valuable things about her by just reading about this problem.

 

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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
psychlady and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
thank you for your insight and advice, it has been a great help, i was not prepared to let this disrupt what appears to be a good thing. thank you for your speedy reply.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
You are welcome
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
psychlady and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
would you be able to recommend a decent book so that i may fully understand where she was and maybe be of some help to her?
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
There is a ton of stuff out there. The bible for this tends to be the Courage to Heal. If you don't like that then any resource on sexual trauma and relationships with victim
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
psychlady and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for your help, I was unsure where to start as, as you said there is rather a lot of info on the net...
Thank you very much for your help, your advice has eased my discomfort no ends.

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