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Doctor Kevin
Doctor Kevin, Ph.D.
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1482
Experience:  24 years in a private practice
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I feel so stupid for writing this but I need to get it out

Resolved Question:

I feel so stupid for writing this but I need to get it out and talk to someone about it. So I split up with my boyfriend of 3 months and this was completely the right thing to do, I think I just wanted to be with someone and be closer to the whole marriage and kids thing, not actually wanting to be with him. I kind of see it as a rebound thing coz I only split up with my boyfriend of 8 years in january this year (it was me that brought it up but it was quite a mutual split). The problem I am facing is that I still love my ex (of 8 years). We started talking and seeing each other more (through mutual friends events) and we were getting on really well. We acknowledged that we still like each other but that we couldnt rush into anything. Then he went on holiday for a week. On the day he got back he asked if he could see me and we organised a time for the next day and he said he was excited to see me again. We spent a really nice day together and it was only as I was about to leave that he told me he met someone on holiday that he liked and that it was the first person he had liked in that way since me. He went on to say that he couldnt be with me now coz he would resent that I had been with someone else whilst he hadn't had that chance. He says he doesn't know if he will change his mind in the future but he still wants us to be friends. He wants us to still chat to each other and see each other but it not mean anymore. He is my best friend and I can't imagine life without him. I feel confused about my feelings and frustrated that I can't do anything to change the situation. What can I do? Should we stay friends? What is he trying to achieve? Please help
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Doctor Kevin replied 5 years ago.

Kevin Kappler :

So your actions have brought consequences and you need to be patient to see if something new will grow out of this friendship. Avoid expectations and keep an open mind.

Kevin Kappler :

You may need to have some therapy to get closure on the previous relationship and make things new again for the growth of this new relationship.

Kevin Kappler :

If there are other specific points to address let me know.

Customer:

So I should still remain friends with him even though he will be actively seeking out a new relationship? Obviously our friendship cannot continue to be as close if he does find someone else as she would never understand and rightly so. I kind of want my feelings for him to go away so I can move on from him but at the same time I just want to see how things go with him if there was a chance of us getting back together

Kevin Kappler :

I agree that your friendship may make some changes but there is no reason why you two cant be friends except if you want your feelings for him to go away. If that is the case then you need to get on with your life but you can still keep in touch with an occasional text, email or the like. In this age relationships never completely go away they just develop over time. At least you will be in charge of acting on your feelings and that is important. Let me know if this is a workable solution.

Customer:

Thanks. I'm still not sure what I can do but you have given me some other things to think about.

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