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Doctor Kevin
Doctor Kevin, Ph.D.
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  24 years in a private practice
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just before we started dating, the guy who now is my boyfriend

Customer Question

just before we started dating, the guy who now is my boyfriend decided to leave his successful job to pursue a career in music. this is his dream project and since we're togehther I stand by him as I know it's very important for him and I believe he's talented. And yet, this scares me a lot. A musician travels a lot, gets to know many people, is a free person and more often than not, not very committed to being faithful... We discussed this many times and he knows it's important for me to be in a monogamous relationship. He says he loves me, he says he's faithful, he says he wants to have kids and a family with me. Still, I'm very jealous and for some reason I'm not feeling very confident. Sometimes I feel he says those things just because he knows they're important for me and he's sort of childish not really knowing what this is all about. I feel life is a chess game for him, he's got strategix thinking while I don't and I take everything so damn serious...
Anyway, the thing is I feel fear to lose him. I'm usually not a jealous person and I feel threatened every time a girl writes something on his facebook. But he decided to be a musician so that's what it is about... Now he's going to travel to have shows abroad. Most of his shows were canceled and he's going even so, traveling for a whole month to play only once. We discussed this and he says he still wants to go to make contacts for future shows... Then I had a jealousy attack and after this he says he wants to buy me a ticket to spend part of the trip with him. Then he says he might want to visit a girlfriend in a city I already visited, saying that I wouldn't want to be there, as I've been there already... He really confuses me a lot. Sometimes I freak out, I think he could betray me, I feel like going through his cell or pc to look for proof of whatever 'betrayal'.
You see, I ended my marriage less than a year ago, maybe this is why I feel very insecure at times? I don't understand if I have reasons not to trust my boyfriend 100% or I'm just making up things in my mind. I was married so I know that trust and confidence are fundamental to any relationships, but for some reason I'm jealous and can't really trust 100%. This is really hard for me. I don't know where this leads but I know I cannot live like this. I think so much that I even question if it's worth staying in this relationship... What's the best way to cope with this?
The other question is, should I accept the ticket he wants to give me and travel or should I use this time to be alone and think life over or see how I feel?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

There are many women who would be uneasy in this situation. This is a very high profile way to live with many opportunities to meet women - I get that. So don't be too hard on yourself. But you have to either accept that he is a good guy or let go. You can't make him no a musician so you have to find ways to occupy your time, plan out frequent contact and take the ticket. Many things could change about his plan. He could end up not being successful, he could really miss you and want to come home, he could decide this life is not for him. Don't plan out his entire career because he could very well not end up being in this lifestyle for long.

 

I would accept the ticket and take it one day at a time. This will give you a feel for this life. But if you think you really need to reflect then do so. You have to decide from what you see if you want to embark on this life at all. It is a big decision and many women wouldn't do it. Don't settle for what you don't like. I would reflect to a certain extent before he goes.

 

If this has been helpful press accept

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
I find the answer inacurate. I would apreciate it if this was answered by some other expert, is it possible?
Expert:  Doctor Kevin replied 3 years ago.
I will try to give you an answe that is of a higher quality. Let us first go to what you said exactly in order to not be innacurate. You said your boufriend wants to be a muscian and that would take him away fom home more than you are comfortable with. Please let me know anytime if I am not addressing the appoprate question. You need to establish more trust with him for him to do this. You also need to look inside yourself and see if you are cut out for this as well You see, You mentioned that you ended your marriage less than a year ago, maybe this is why youI feel very insecure at times. That is exactly what I am alking about. If you I don't understand if you have reasons not to trust your boyfriend 100% or you are just making up things in your mind then it is time to talk about those feelings with your current boyfriend. Aou understand that trust and confidence are fundamental to any relationships, but for some reason you need to know why you feel jealous and can't really trust 100%. This is really hard for anyone when they don't have that basic trust with their mate. To answer your question accurately this leads to you needing to decide if you are cut out h kind of life dream. The best way to cope with this is to talk about it and get some help about your previous relationship which still is not workred out in your mind. You are dealing with your own extra baggage. need to bring your previous relationship and its hurt to a closure so that you can move on.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
This is quite right. There are actually two issues here: the first is that I haven't been able to stop the hurt from my previous relationship and divorce so far. I began counselling because of this and I'm not 100% yet. The other thing is that unfortunately I don't trust my boyfriend. This leads me to look into his personal things, which is kind of humiliating for me and still I keep doing it. I've never done this in my 7-year-marriage, I completely trusted my husband. I know it is wrong to look, but the thing is that I often find notes or emails where he's kind of too nice with other girls or makes comentaries with friends about 'hot' girls. I wonder what is he doing with me then? But I cannot tell him that I read his email.
Your suggestion is good, I tried talking to him about this but perhaps not in the best way. he's losing patience and gets defensive, saying how can I possibly not trust him after all this time and all he's done. I guess I don't have confidence in myself at this time. Could you please help me understand what I should do? How do I understand if I can trust him and this is all in my mind or if really he's not what he says he is?
Expert:  Doctor Kevin replied 3 years ago.
You ask what you should do to gain trust in another person whom you love. There are two different paths to take. The first is to examine why it is that yoou don't trust him and where that doubt originates in you. The second is to see if there are any specific things he does to creast that distrust. It is only in following both paths till their end that you can reestablish the trust that you are lacking.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
.
Expert:  Doctor Kevin replied 3 years ago.
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Expert:  Doctor Kevin replied 3 years ago.
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Expert:  Doctor Kevin replied 3 years ago.
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Expert:  Doctor Kevin replied 3 years ago.
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Expert:  Doctor Kevin replied 3 years ago.
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