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MrsRuss0114
MrsRuss0114, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 214
Experience:  B.A.Psychology, MSW, LCSW, HS-BCP; 8+ yrs experience.
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I started dating a man after being in a controlling relationship,

Resolved Question:

I started dating a man after being in a controlling relationship, my parents were worse, I was litterally drugged with prescriptions into submition. I met my X and he aggreed to help. he had a child that I loved dearly, the biological mother was withdrawn, and even approved the adoption. but my X used my love for his child to control my life, pretty easily after my parents, but things went sour after I became pregnant, he withheld food from me, and Ultimately I was forced to move back into my parents house. They could not control me with medication so they have been controlling me Financially, and with emotional abuse ever since. I do work and pay rent but they threaten me. Forcing me to sighn a will not of my choice, preventing me from moving, or buying a veichle. I have met someone, but he puts off Marriage, and I fear being hurt worse. I do not wish to raise my child in this enviornment. My parents have tried to choose my future husband! My family problems are bad, I fear trusting other people, Especially with my child's well being. Lately my fiance seems withdrawn and disinterested. I cannot afford to excape my predicament on my own, but the idea of moving in with me and being a father figure has caused me to be more of a burden to him than anything else. I do not wish to cause him discomfort, but I have waited 4 years, and have afford to make the house payment and down payment on a home if only he pay the utilities and help pay part for furnature. Am I asking too much? What can I do?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  MrsRuss0114 replied 3 years ago.

Russ0114 : Hello and thank you for choosing just answer, I look forward to assisting you.
Russ0114 : I'm sorry you're going through this
Customer:

Sorry I have never done a live chat before

Customer:

What should I do?

Russ0114 : This is not a healthy situation for you or your unborn child.
Russ0114 : You should seek assistance from a local women's shelter especially regarding the signing of a Will under distress
Customer:

I need his help to purchase this home, but after we found the house, and I put my credit on the line he seems scared

Russ0114 : Is this guy also abusive (in any way)?
Customer:

My child is Five years old. he met her when she was three. She adores him, and he does love her, but I think he fears being a dad.

Russ0114 : Ahhhhhhhhh, ok, you were referring initially to your daughters birth father, I misunderstood.
Customer:

no he is not abusive in any way, his mother was single dated alot of men when he was small. They and his father abused her in every way, so he saw this and is trying to help us.

Customer:

he wanted to date and marry a mother because he can't have children. He wanted to be a dad, but now it frightens him.

Russ0114 : The situation might've become too intense for him especially with trying to purchase a home.
Customer:

I think he fears he will become like his father, I tell him it will be alright, but the idea of watching her alone, is unfamiliar to him

Customer:

Also my parents are making my situation at home worse. My child sees the situation for what it is now, which is what I wanted to avoid

Russ0114 : The only thing you can do is be patient with him and on the meantime take smaller steps to help get you and your daughter out of your current environment. You are still living with your parents right?
Customer:

It simply has gotten to the point were it is no longer safe were I am at, I do not feel comfortable at home. I am not permitted to have hobbies outside of the house, and am threatened alot.

Russ0114 : I think you should just work on getting out, be it by getting help from a women's shelter or getting an apartment to start.
Customer:

I NEED his help but am ashamed that I am incapable of helping myself. Plus last time a man helped me I lost a child I cared deeply for. I have only been with two men, my X, and my now fiance

Customer:

My parents bring men home introduce them to my child wothout my knowing, take her out of state saying they will go one place but go another instead, I work 5 shifts on the weekends, I need them to watch her, but they have done this several times, and even have prevented me from receving medical insurance.

Russ0114 : I think your "needing" his help may be scaring him off. You have to be able to help herself. Until you find the power and strength to do so, you may always find yourself in this type of situation.
Russ0114 : Do you have friends/ other family near
Customer:

I cannot afford it. My parents are prominent in the community, and have told me they will devisate me finatailly if I try to leave. I'm Scared. they told me if I sihn over custody they will leave me alone, but I can't loose my daughter to that. Doctors say I need medical insurance, I am not well.

Russ0114 : Where do you live?
Customer:

If I leave they will sue. Money I have already paid them, but I have no proof.

Customer:

Enid Oklahoma

Russ0114 : Sue you for what?
Customer:

Well they refused to give me my bank account records untill I was 22.

Customer:

I got a loan for the laywer, to remodel thier basement, a coach set

Customer:

My father paid the bills threw my enternet account

Customer:

but He lied

Russ0114 : Please hold on one second as I am going to try to find you some resources.
Customer:

He really tranfered the funds to his account and paid everything with his checks

Customer:

It looks like he paid for everything

Customer:

and it totals over 10 thousand

Customer:

he owns the home I live in and threatens to raise my rent if I "missbehave"

Customer:

my home is close to thier house, he does have a key, so he looks through my things when I am at work

Customer:

My fiance's mother is an accountant she looked at the "recets" he gave me and told me thousands were missing from the time he had full access

Customer:

so he stoped giving me recets.

Customer:

I changed my account access, which pissed him off

Russ0114 : Those things are illegal and if you sought legal help (police) this matter could be investigated.
Customer:

I was druged with Zoloft for eight years. I also took antihisamines. Together the combination literally made me crazy. The counciler latter admitted she miss diagnosed me, but it has caused my body alot of damage.

Customer:

doctors fear it may be permanent, or fatal.

Russ0114 : http://www.okrehab.org/guide/Ch04/04-05.asp
Customer:

God, I need help.

Customer:

If I seek help DHS will take her out of the enviornment

Customer:

my parents will sue

Russ0114 : Review that information and make calls to see who and where you can get help.
Customer:

I cannot afford a legal battle at this time, and proving my innocence will land my parents in prison

Russ0114 : You have to be willing to do something otherwise things will never change.
Customer:

I am trying

Russ0114 : Unless your parents can prove in a court of law that you're unfit then no one can take your child.
Russ0114 : You have to be willing to get help and you have to start somewhere.
Customer:

I found a home, took hold of my pay stubs, locked dad out of my account, reported his lack of care for the rental to the rental accociation, still go to college, and put in papperwork for a home loan.

Customer:

All information concerning the new house is kept secret as to not allow him to raise suspition and raise my rent more

Russ0114 : You have to try to get in your own space. And you may have to down scale it and instead of trying to purchase a home, you may need to look into apartments.
Customer:

he says I am ungratful.

Customer:

Appartments are not an option for me, my asthma is too severe.

Russ0114 : ?
Customer:

I have allergitic asthma. I can loose my breath at night. allergic to all plants, cats, dust.

Russ0114 : And you're unable to live in an apartment?
Customer:

The home I am in is litterally dangerous to me, I need to find a home and put in a hospital grade filtration system

Customer:

no apartment will allow me to do that.

Russ0114 : I guess my point is, you have to make plans that are attainable
Customer:

I have done all that I can, the stress is putting my relationship under strain

Customer:

I try to make the situatiuion easier for my fiance, not to ask too much, using my credit for the new house, not asking for money even though it is tough, but I fear it may still not be enough

Customer:

If I could move out without fear of loosing my child, I would have done so years ago...

Customer:

She is my world, I refuse to let my parents do to her what they have done and are doing to me.

Russ0114 : But they are doing so indirectly.
Customer:

But I can't do it alone, I need help, My fiance = Zack, has been trying soo hard. he finnished school early, got tow jobs at one point to save up money, (but I was too afraid to take it), I love him too much to risk letting money ending our relationship

Customer:

Now he has a good job, my college is almost done, and the time is right- so why is he pulling away?

Russ0114 : My suggestion is to look at the site and seek assistance to help you get out of this situation.
Russ0114 : Your neediness is probably causing him to pull away
Russ0114 : That may be too much responsibility for him.
Customer:

If I am to excape I have to be abrupt, and cautious

Russ0114 : You have to show him that you are strong and can make it on your own but want to do it with him.
Customer:

I don't know how to make it any eaisier than I already have

Customer:

once i move away, my parents will be in check

Russ0114 : You should work out a plan get things in order and then act.
Customer:

I have I am waiting on the home loan to be appoved

Customer:

Fortunately, Zack's familiy loves me in'laws won't be a problem for me

Customer:

It is the wait that is killing us

Russ0114 : That's positive.
Customer:

I do have a sence of humor

Russ0114 : That's always positive.
Customer:

when I am with him I feel safe, even if I'm in the middle of the mall, or Wal-mart, I feel at home...

Russ0114 : Until you can make a move, it sounds like waiting is your only option unless you choose to seek outside help.
Customer:

I try not to use him as a saftey blanket, but that is the only comfort I Get

Customer:

outside help would risk loosing my child, what other options do I have?

Russ0114 : Your options as I see them are: wait things out, talk to your fiancée about everything that is going on and the two of you work together to help get you out, seek outside help and make your parents try to prove that your unfit and if that's not the case, custody shouldn't be an issue.
Customer:

All I want is to Have control over my own life, to make my own decitions concerning my child, to life and marry the man I love, to have the medical care we need, and most important to provide comfort to Zack the way he does for me...

Russ0114 : And you have to take control.
Customer:

I am unable to do that untill I move away. Once I no longer rent from my father, I can stand up and fight, but untill that happens, I feel bought and paid for, I am a slave in my own home.

Russ0114 : Then until that time, you may have to choose to put on a happy voice until you can get into a better situation and continue to build and nurture your relationship with you, Zack and your daughter
Customer:

I also am afraid, what if Zack turns on me the way my X did? I have asked to seek councilling once we move. everyone I ever loved or entrusted with my life has failed me, exept Zack, and my daughter.

Customer:

Please what can I tell him to give him comfort in this difficult time?

Customer:

That is all I want to know of this entire conversation

Russ0114 : Just be honest with him and share your fears and hopes. You have to fond your power first and foremost and be ok with yourself no matter what.
Customer:

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX what I have been doing. At least I'm doing the right thing.

Russ0114 : Tell him you are afraid that things with him will end like they did with your ex and with everything you're going through with your parents, you can't take that.
Customer:

I did already years ago...I did pay 30 dollars for the service, I wonder do you charge per month or just per session?

Russ0114 : Let him know that you want a future with him and your daughter and you're going to make sure that you and your daughter get in a better situation and you would love nothing more than for him to be apart of that
Customer:

Do I have to cancel to avoid a monthly fee? I really can't keep paying past this point, I have spent too much already unfortunatly.

Russ0114 : Are you referring to justanswer?
Customer:

Yes, Thank you.

Russ0114 : You don't pay a monthly fee, I only get credit for my time working with you if you press accept.
Customer:

Well, it is late. I should continue my crochet. My daughter has been asking me to finnish her new blanket + I do need to finnish Grandma's blanket as well.

Customer:

Thank you for all your time, advice and paitience, it really put my mind more at ease.

Russ0114 : Your welcome and I wish you the best.
Customer:

Sleep well, wake refreshed, and may the next day treat you sufficiently...

Customer:

good night.

Russ0114 : And you as well.
Russ0114 : Goodnight
Russ0114 : If you don't mind leaving feedback about our interaction tonight I would appreciate it.
Russ0114 : Also, if you found our interaction helpful, please press accept.
MrsRuss0114, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 214
Experience: B.A.Psychology, MSW, LCSW, HS-BCP; 8+ yrs experience.
MrsRuss0114 and 4 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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