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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5419
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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My boyfriend of 8 months and I now live together. Since then

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My boyfriend of 8 months and I now live together. Since then and even for the 5 mo. prior while living at my mothers together we have gotten into some "scuffles" where I end up with bruises all over my arms and he has a few scratches. The fights usually start with him accusing me of talking to guys/cheating. He wants me to show him my phone and everyone I'm talking to. Which, I feel is an invasion of my privacy and unfair. I am not cheating on my boyfriend so I feel he has no right to go though my things. He has already gone through my facebook, cell phone, and even my journal to gain information. At this point I get so angry when he forcifuly takes my cell phone I throw things and try to fight back for it. Which usually end in marks and brusies on both of us. He says I'm always the aggressor. I feel that he purposfully instigates the fight so he can hit me. (I.e. shoves me over and over until i smack him, doesn't let me leave the apartment or room, holds me down) This is the worst of it. I know this is unheathly but what's holding me back from leaving him is that I know what our relationship is when it is not like this. We laugh, help eachother, take care of oneanother, enjoy eachothers company like any normal relationship. I love him and i want this to work. Are we beyond help or can I do something to help us?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

You are describing an abusive relationship. Your boyfriend is jealous so he tries to control who you talk to. He imagines that you are cheating on him and uses this as an excuse to abuse you. He is not respecting you or trusting you. These are two basic needs in a relationship that make it successful. Your relationship has neither because of your boyfriend's issues.

 

Having good times mixed in with abuse is very common in these types of relationships. The vicXXXXX XXXXXgs onto the good times to prove that the relationship is not all that bad. It is hard to face leaving a relationship that you feel may improve.

 

The fact that he also blames you for being the aggressor says that he does not see a problem with his behavior. This is typical for an abuser. They often blame the victim so they do not have to take responsibility. This allows them to continue abusing because they justify that the victim deserves it.

 

This is a bad relationship that you should end immediately. Abusers rarely recover and get better so don't expect your boyfriend to improve. He may even become worse, especially if you marry because it is harder for an abused woman to leave a marriage.

 

Here is a resource to help you:

 

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

 

If you have trouble leaving, consider counseling to help you. It is important that you have support and resources to help you stay strong once you leave the relationship as well.

 

I hope this helps you,
Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I have a plan to find a new place, thank you.

 

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 2 years ago.

You are welcome! I am glad to hear that you will be getting away from this relationship and moving on.

 

Kate

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 2 years ago.

Can I help you any further?

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5419
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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