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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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My new boyfriend continues to take calls from his X fiance.

Customer Question

My new boyfriend continues to take calls from his X fiance. He claims he is over her, she is sick and maybe dieing. Although she is a habitual liar so who really knows the truth. She plays on his sympathy. Last night the phone rings at 2:30 in the morning and it is her to tell him she is in the hospital. Phone calls ends with I love you and I will come see you tomorrw. So I don't sleep the rest of the night and will be alone tonight as he is visiting her in the hospital. She also will show up at his work etc. he says there is nothing he can do about it. I have explained my feelings about her the last time she showed up for dinner with him. I told him how hurt I was, how disrespectful it was to me and our relationship. I said it would and is driving a wedge between us. After that incident last night I just did not say anything but need to and want to know how to go about it. He claims he is in love with me wants to Marry me, and is very good to me in me financially and in other ways except when it comes to this. Why can't I just find one man that does not cheat in some capacity? What to do? How can I get this through to him without comeing off ungratful for the nice things he does and or Jealouse?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 5 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective


Your boyfriend has not really ended his relationship with his former fiancee. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, to use an old cliche which is very appropriate in describing this situation.

Being grateful for his generosity should not be an issue. He is hopefully not buying your love and admiration. If he loves you enough to want to marry you, then he should be generous, but should not expect you to be humiliated by his actions as a payment.

Why shouldn't you be jealous? Jealously happens when your man gives much too much attention to another woman, especially one that he had a long and intimate history with him, and one that still is able to control his life and quite readily insert a wedge between you, as you called it.

However, your fiance is allowing her to, willingly and almost gleefully, it seems, to do this, so he is also working against you in this regard.

Perhaps you are afraid of losing a man with good financial prospects and SOME other good qualities as well. However, what he is doing is abusive and inconsiderate, and you are permitting him to do it.

You have to decide whether you are going to continue to "roll over" and allow him to do what he wants, even though it is hurting you, or will you take a stand, even if it puts your relationship at risk.

You really only have two choices: accept it or take a strong stand against it; a weak stand is the same as accepting it with a little bit of face-saving but useless noise thrown in.

Then he has to make a choice: allow this woman to continue to you in your (plural) lives, or to finish breaking up with her. He can only have it both ways if you allow it.

You have to decide what is most important to you. I have just tried to lay out your situation with a bit more clarity, but it is entirely your decision.

I hope that you make the best one for your future life and happiness.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC

Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Well you read what I already tried, so how do you suggest I go about restating that any more clear. And no I am not Jealouse of such a pathetic, liear, disrescpectful sorry excuse for a human as her. And why would he still be so involved with someone that literally embezcelled money from him, cheated on him with many men time and time again and continues to get money from him, and is trying to yes geafully destroy what we have.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 5 years ago.
Dear Pamela,

Did it ever cross your mind that your finance is a bit of a weakling and a sucker, easily manipulated by a certain type of manipulative woman. Are you sure that you even want to marry this guy, when he is so gullible and an easy mark for a certain class of women?

You certainly deserve more than this. If you are willing to take a stand then you have to tell him that if he wants to continue with his relationship with you then he has to ditch this woman and let her fend for herself. She shouldn't have any trouble once she finds a new victim. Tell him that you are disappointed in him for being so gullible and for letting his attachment to this woman come between you and him. You can even offer to step aside if she is the one he wants.

I don't think he wants to give you up in exchange for this loser and will probably come around when you put a bit of subtle leverage on him.

I hope that you either bring him around, or if not, then expose him for who he really is and for what he really wants: someone who wants to be dominated. If anyone is going to dominate him, the you should be the one, not her.

Best of luck to you,