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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Is she really wanting this relationship to be over

Customer Question

She is sending repeated emails and calls stating this is the last communication. The last conversation ended in a shouting match and she threatened to call the police if I attempted to contact her again. I did not call or text for a week and now she calls to "see if I am OK'" and make sure there are "no hard feelings". I tried to call back and sent an email and she did not answer or respond. Is she really wanting this to be over? Why is she continuing to call? What should I do?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like there is a break down in communication between you and your girlfriend. She is feeling hurt by you mentioning your ex but instead of saying so, she has responded in a drastic way by ending the relationship. She may be trying to hurt you like she feels you hurt her. She may also feel out of control and by contacting you only when she wants to, she maintains the upper hand.

 

It is probably a good idea to back off for a while. If she contacts you, let her know that you are ok and hang up. Do not contact her. If she continues to contact you, which she probably will, then wait until you have heard from her a number of times. Then tell her that you regret mentioning your ex and that you are sorry. Then see how she responds. If she is open to your apology, then continue trying to make amends. If she is not, back off again.

 

I would give this some time. It sounds like she cares about you but doesn't know how to handle her feelings. If you wait to see what she does and allow her some control, she may be able to reestablish contact and you can get back together.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.

I haven't heard from you. Did you have more questions or want clarification?

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
For the most part I feel you are "right on" in the assessment of this situation. I should however mention that this girl has been diagnosed with severe mood swings. She has been prescribed xanax and zoloft but refuses to take the medications. Also, this is not the first time she has proclaimed our relationship to be over. This is perhaps the most adamant she has been. I agree that not contacting her, and allowing her to possibly feel I have lost interest is the best course. It is however going to be very difficult to do. How long should I wait before attempting to contact her again? Do you think she is sincere in claiming that our relationship is over. Do you feel her call to me yesterday after no contact from me fir 5 days was for more than to make sure I was OK and to see if there were any hard feelings. I feel it was her way or reaching out to me as some type of reassurance that I will still be there. Please give me any further opinions or advice. I truly want this relationship to work out. I hope I can contact you with any updates and get further advice and insight as needed. Please respond with any final thoughts and I will gladly accept your answer
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for the additional information. It helps.

 

Now that you have mentioned your girlfriend has a history of this behavior and also has a diagnosed with mood swings, her behavior makes even more sense. It also tells me that this is more about her than the relationship.

 

I would give this a few weeks, maybe three or four, before you contact her again. If she can wait 5 days, then three to four should not be a big deal.

 

It does sound like she was calling you to make contact and used seeing if you are ok as an excuse. Though it is hard to know exactly what someone else is thinking, based on your description of her behavior that makes a lot of sense to me.

 

You may want to encourage her to try to take her medications. If she acts out in this manner, she may end up harming any relationships she has, including work and family.

 

I would enjoy working with you again in the future. Just post your question with my name at the beginning and that will help the other experts know you want to speak to me only. You can also request my help through JA, but requests expire within 10 minutes and then the question is offered to other experts so I may not be able to get to your question in time.

 

Kate

 

Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you so much for your help. We seem to be on the same page. I need to clarify one thing however . You said " give her 3- 4 weeks before contacting her again. If she can wait 5 days, then three to four should not be a big deal". I dont know if you are referring to 3 or 4 days or weeks being a big deal.

This behavior has drastically affected her life indeed. She is an extremely beautiful and intelligent woman of 30 years but ours is the first relationship she has had that lasted this long. She has literally cried in my arms and asked me to not give up on her.because of her condition

I know "affairs of the heart" can be difficult but I am dedicated to try and make this work. I honestly believe she is worth the effort.

Thanks so much for your advice and encouragement. It helps more than you know.
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thanks, you will hear from me again
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
The amount of $30 dollars was deducted from my acccount. Please let me know if you did not receive credit for it and I will investigate. I have looked back over our conversation logs and one shows specifically where I accepted and asks if I want to add a bonus.

Thanks again for your help and let me know if I need to do anything further.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
My account was deducted $30 as I have already accepted your answer. Please let me know if you did not receive credit for this. I have double checked and this is the case on my end. My balance is not $5 which is a bonus I was given for subscribing to the service.

Thanks again and let me know if I need to do anything further.
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.
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