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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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I am a 29 year old female;m told im very attractive, fun,

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I am a 29 year old female, I'm told im very attractive, fun, charmimg ec and I sing play guitar and have many Interests. I have been single for the past 9 months after finishing a 7 year relationship as things just got stale for me. I still love my ex but more as a friend than anything eles, he stopped wanting sex and I think it made me feel like we were more friends after years of not really having that bond as much. I have always been in long relationships from the age of 15 and never had problems meeting guys and starting relationships. But now I'm single again I am finding things very confusing. I have dated, mainly from meeting men on online dating as I don't seem to meet many men when I'm out, well not ones im attracted to. Some I slept with early on and some I didn't even kiss on the cheek, but all with the same kind of results. They seem to like me but never seem to want to date more or make a half hearted attempt with me till it just fizzles out. Most of them just saw me as someone to have fun and sex with. Even though most of them were looking for a long term thing. Some were younger than myself so I understand that may be one reason why they didn't wish to take it further. There were only two guys who it went past the first date with.. one was not really over his ex and moved things very fast to start with all in the space of two weeks then backed off when he realised he wasn't ready. The other guy I spoke to on chat two months and got to know him as a friend, he likes me but says the age gap is slighty too big for us to have a relationship (he is 23) eventually after feeling fed up from the first guy (the one ont over his ex) I suggested that we start a fwb relationship, so we did and still are. I have got to know him even more and would love to date him properly but he doesnt want anything more. Yet we still speak on chat and text everyday. I know its unlikely this guy will budge on the age issue so I still go on dates when I can (I don't tell this guy) because I would still like to find someone who wants all of me and to date and see if a relationship happens. I would like some advice on maybe where I'm going wrong, It seems guys like me to a point but then don't see me as relationship material, and note I don't always sleep with them straight away or at all, and I find it doesn't seem to make too much difference as most my relationships started out with having sex early on. I don't act desperate and don't feel like there is a major rush but I get a horrible feeling that this pattern will just continue if I don't change something. A friend with benefits is all I can seem to get, and I really like this guy for many reasons and figure I may aswell enjoy this while it lasts as I have really fallen for him. I can't seem to stop seeing him for this reason. How can I turn things around?
I feel we should work on the relationship right now that you are in. There are times where this type of relationship your in will go further. This relationship even though you are not seeing a commitment, could change. You need to look at your feelings they developed into more than friends and his might have as well. This could go further and it could become a very serious relationship. Now let's look at why you feel you seem to be in these types of relationships. Some times without even realizing it people put off this imagine, an image that can be confusing to others. He might think that you do not want a serious relationship. He might feel like you just want to be friends. Dropping. Little hints talking about what if you were really in a relationship. You could ask questions without putting pressure on him. He should know your feelings have developed. What if the image you are betraying is one that doesn't want to be in a commuted relationship? He needs to know your serious. It sound like you already are in a relationship, but there is no label on it. I would tell him how you feel. If you have anymore questions I am here to answer.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
That's the problem, I did tell him and he said he didn't wish to take it further and used the age gap excuse. I think he is worried I will want children before he is ready ec even though I have told him I am in no hurry. He said we should just be friends without the benefits but after I thought about it I told him I would like to carry on as before. He didn't reject this and we still see each other more or less once a week but it's quite casual and I just go to his house even though we talk watch films, joke about ec.. as well as sex. and we do have a bit in common. Although he said he didn't want to carry it further I cant help feeling like if I was to back off he might miss me. sometimes I wait online to see if he will talk to me first and quite offen he does. so its a two way thing. He has also only had one relationship before lasting only 3 months as she got pregnant despite them using protection and she had to have an abortion I gather as he does not have any children. He has his own house and a good job and wants a proper relationship with someone, he still goes on the dating site we met on but to my knowledge has not been on any dates since we started our fwb thing. he always tells me what he is doing if he is not avalable to meet. he ussually sees his mates or visits his parents. He told me there is a girl who really likes him and she is pretty but he doesnt like her personality at all. this was all he has told me about any other women. Just thought this info may help you see the bigger picture here. We don't seem to go on dates, I have tried but think I need to stop trying so hard maybe and see if he comes to me. He does ask what I have been up to and we share out daily lives but this is mainly online. Does this change your opinion.. or is the fact he still talks to me and sees me mean there is hope? Also just last night I ended up talking to his best friend online, we have never met but he sings like me and just by chance we ended up talking, he already knew who I was and said he has heard many stories about me (all good ones) and also confirmed that the only problem for him was the age gap! to which he said he didnt agree with himself as he often dates older women than him.
So I guess that means it is really just the age gap and not the fact he doesn't like me enough. And if he told his best friend about me then maybe he does feel something for me. I just don't know what to do now.
It sounds like he can be uncomfortable in a relationship and why I see this is you share your lives online. This is someone that has trouble expressing things in person. Might feel awkward talking about day to day things in person. He might feel like he would bore you with his day to day life. But this is how you connect to learn about each other. This would be someone that would take things really slow. He had dated someone for a short time and went through something that would effect how he feels about relationships. You need to give him time. I feel he thinks if he is not in a commuted relationship he is not attached but feelings develop that you have no control over. Feelings come natural. I would try o set up a date maybe like just have dinner, lunch, something easy and small. He is just worried about getting involved but this could change.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I'm not sure, he seems to be very sure he wants a relationship but with someone his own age. It worries me that he is still looking on the dating site, I mentioned to him that I didn't like the site and there was no one who interested me on there, his responce was to say there must be someone I was talking with on there, I took this to mean that he is currently chatting to women. for all I know he could have found someone who he is interested in.But then again I think you are very right and that maybe deep down he is looking online for someone but wont accept that maybe what he was looking for may be right under his nose!! maybe because he is afraid of a real relationship which is what I am offering him.
Do you know how I can go about getting him to do something outside of his house with me? I have asked him to the cinema almost every week and it still hasn't happened. He just ends up going with his guy mates and the one time he hinted at us going to the cinema I was working that night and he must have known that. It's almost like he knows if we do this it would be a date and maybe that scares him? Either that or he has no Interest in doing things with me. But then why talk to me online everyday if he has no Interest. There is one friend of mine who thinks if he was that into me the age thing would not matter so much and that he would get past the age gap.
I want to see him this Friday night and have asked him what he is doing as he said earlier in the week that he would be free, and now he is saying he may have to dogsit for his parents but doesn't know which night. It's like I never know till last minute if he can meet me, which makes me feel like im way down the list on his Importance list. Or could it be because I am always so available that he takes it for granted? Oh and just now I asked what he was doing tomorrow night and did he want to do something, he said maybe, and that he might be going to his parents for dinner and to stay over or he might not be. I told him to let me know. It feels like I am his last option. Do you think this is his way of kidding himself we don't have any kind of relationship? I'm thinking maybe he doesn't care now.
Even though he is still on a dating site it doesn't mean he is interested in dating anyone on the site, he might just like chatting to new people. Some times people do not realize what they have right under there nose as you put it. But they soon realize what they have as they get more and more attached to the one they discover they have feelings for. These feelings often take time to realize, but it you hang in there and be understanding on why he acts the way he does, you will see this relationship might just be what you both are looking for. He could wake up tomorrow and realize how much he cares about you and needs you in his life. Feelings can happen that fast. The more time you spend together the more you both will create a bond. A bond that will begin to be unbreakable. I believe your relationship will develop into more but it is going to take some time for you both to get comfortable with each other and express how you both really feel. But he is going to take time to open up because I do believe he is afraid to have a committed relationship. But that can all change.
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