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Ask Rev.Dr. August Abbott Your Own Question

Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7542
Experience:  Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
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Marriage And Infidelity Dilema

Resolved Question:

Hi, I few weeks I ago I went out and drank too much and cheated on my husband. The problem is it was amazing and I can't stop thinking about him. I keep thinking about whether or not to contact him, partley our of curiosity whether there is anything there. Then I get thinking what if that is the most stupid thing, as it was a drunk night, it could break up my marriage. Which I am not sure I want to happen but obviously it indicates that our marriage has problems that I would do something like this even though drunk.  I do love my husband but have lost really any sexual attraction to him and don't want to be with him in that way.  Not sure if it is because I don't find it exciting.

Should I contact the guy I met?
Any advice about the marriage?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 5 years ago.
-- You cannot even entertain the possibility of spending another minute with this other man while you're still married and still living with your husband. You have no right to pursue someone else without being free to do so. Morally, ethically it is wrong and you know it or you wouldn't be asking.

--- As for the problems in the marriage: You can't begin to heal them or fix them with a 3rd person even remotely waiting in the wings. You can't give your whole heart to the effort if your whole heart isn't in it. I'm pretty sure you know this too.

In fact, from your question I suspect that you know all the right things, but need to hear them laid out in no uncertain terms.

Here's the thing - you married this man (your husband) with the intentions of walking through this life together. You and him against the world. You and him, a team fighting for the same purpose, heading for the same goals. In it together, 'no matter what' and I'm pretty sure you vowed that you would never cheat (and he vowed the same).

-- When it comes to telling about having an indiscretion, I am in the camp that sees no point in it. Others, whom I respect and admire, feel that honesty means telling.

If sharing the indiscretion is solely so you can relieve yourself of the burden of keeping the secret and the guilt, then please don't.

If sharing the indiscretion is the beginning of working on earning forgiveness and repairing the relationship, then yes, tell.

However, you absolutely need to have a couple's counselor in place FIRST. I would strongly suggest that the 'telling' occur in the presence of the counselor (let the counselor know before hand and ask for their help).

This is not something you can fix on your own because as clearly as you think you're thinking.... you are not. As much as you're sure of your feelings, they are very likely deceiving you. This is one of those situations you really need to trust that you're not seeing things as clearly or in the reality you believe you are.

--- I sense some very good instincts on your part and I want you to follow through on them.

If it were the other way around and your husband decided to entertain the possibility of another woman in his life, before giving you any chance at working together to get back what you had when you stood together on your wedding day - well, wouldn't you feel even more betrayed?

Give yourselves (both of you) a chance to get it back. If, after giving it a sincere try with the counselor helping to guide you, it still isn't happening, then you are morally and ethically free to consider someone else.

Good luck - and again, trust your instincts; do the right thing
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