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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Hi. I am a 35 year old female. I have a friend who is 11 years

Customer Question

Hi. I am a 35 year old female. I have a friend who is 11 years older than me and means the world to me. We work together and for the past 4 years have done everything together. I am married and she is not. It seems like everytime she has someone new in her life, a new friend, a new boyfriend anyone - I am pushed to the backside. I have opened my eyes lately to the relationship we have had. When she needs me, she calls. I have helped her in so many ways around her house, babysitting, an occasional loan etc. it seems if she doesnt need anything from me, she totally ignores me. I will text her and she may respond with one word or she may not answer at all. A few weeks ago she wanted me to come down and help her open her pool so she could have a cookout for her niece, so i did. We ended up doing the pool, mowing her hillside, cleaning her garage and a few other things. She invited me to the cookout but at the last minute changed it to the following weekend -but I was not invited and didnt even know she was doing it. I had texted her the morning of and asked what her plans were for the day and she ignored me. 3 days later, she asked me down - later in the evening she mentioned she needed gas money for work, so I am assuming thats why I was invited. A week later she was having a friend from out of town come in and asked if I wanted to go out with them one evening. I said I am looking foward to it because it was around my birthday and thought it would be nice to get out. I was getting ready and got a text that said, I think we have decided not to do anything, just wanted you to know. Even being the adult that I am, I was absolutely devastated. I cried like a little school girl. She didnt apologize or say we'll do something later - she just ignored my texts after that. We have worked at the same place for several years and she just transferred back to a clinic we cannot stand ( or so she says) There is another 30 something girl that works there who can suck anyone into her world. I was so scared that she is doing this to my friend and she may never look at me the same. I know it doesnt seem like much of a friendship at this point but I am so depressed over this I dont know what to do. Everytime I ask her for something, go to dinner, come down to swim, hilight my hair, she always tells me no. Can you please help me know what I should do? Sorry for rambling.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

This unfortunate but I know people like that to. The give and take relationship is more take than give. They take you for granted and they know you when they want something. It is unfortunate though because you want a healthy friendship with her. What she wants is what I call a fair weather friend. She is your friend sometimes but not all the time. This is not a friendship that you can benefit from. It may have been at one time but not anymore. You have to consider something in order to not grieve the friendship as much: Is this friendship what you want in terms of a positive friendship. No it isn't. You need to eliminate this friendship because it isn't healthy and it will never be. When you accept that then you can let this go. When you accept that.

 

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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I don't know how to let this go. We work together and I have to see her become friends with others we work with knowing she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I keep asking myself, what is wrong with me that Im not good enough. My heart has literally ached for the last few days because I am so devastated. We were so close and for her to not even give me time after all i have done is beyond anything I can comprehend. I would never treat someone like that. I am the one who gave so much yet I am the one hurting over it as if I am the one losing out. I wonder if she will ever miss me or regret pushing me to the rear for someone who is not truly her friend.
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
This is why work relationships are not healthy. But you will overcome this and say one day - what was I worried about ; I don't care that she is standing there. For now it is still painful. You have to give this some time and work gradually on healing . You have to trust that distracting yourself will eventually allow you to move on. See her but work on treating her as insignificant. Use every opportunity to keep your distance. I know ti is hard to understand but you have to use this as closure. You are losing out but only on this one opportunity. She will end up missing a good guy who treated her well
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
What do you mean she will end up missing a good guy? If you mean me - I am a female and we ate close friends.
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
I mean that sometimes we miss a good nice kind guy when it's too late
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I don't really understand what that has to do with me.
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
Just continue working on moving on. Focus on your well being rather than these hurts. Minimize contact with this person even if you see them from across the room. Focus instead on ways to avoid this contact and activities that help you be single again