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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1505
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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My long distance boyfriend and I will be seeing each other

Customer Question

My long distance boyfriend and I will be seeing each other in two weeks, to spend a month together. Up until three weeks ago, he was very definitely in love with me, even to the point that he wanted me to move to his country and we had been discussing plans for the move this fall. All was fine until three ago, we had a spat which ended in him sending me an email a few days after telling me he did not want to break up but is now unsure of our relationship. He was so sure and now, he's not sure. He also said he wants things to continue as they are now, but wanted to make sure I knew. A few days later, we discussed this, he said if he could feel more like the man, and if I could feel safe in his arms and relaxed then maybe things would be a little easier for us. If he were 'the man' and I was his 'princess'. He had told his friends I would be moving to his country etc, and they were all excited about excitement as well. However just yesterday, I found that he had told one of his close friends he was loosing his feelings a little bit. She told him that it's only natural as we've been apart for a three months, assured him it was the distance and that it would be fine once we see each other again. When another friend of ours asked me when I would be moving there, I had to say I'm not sure. She said also not to worry and that he just needs to get back to his country (he travels for work extensively and yes, I agree, he's at his best when he's back at home as he's really close to friends and family) and relax, and that when we meet again it will be fine. He and I are still chatting everyday, but I feel like yes, he's lost some interest. I am really not sure what do to. Some advice I've seen online has been to not be available all the time, and don't contact him for a while, but we are not broken up and I don't know if this is a good idea? Also, we will see each other in about 2 weeks. I lost my father this January, and was sick myself, he was here with me during that time, not due to that, but due to work. I had been tense and tired, but now getting back to my usual self. During that time I was not able to be a 'fun' as usual, and maybe this is some of what he went back to in feeling that I was not relaxed with him? I am feeling confused and hurt, I'm not sure if I should back off and not contact him except for brief chat, or because of his telling me he wants me to be relaxed / safe in his arms that I should show my love for him? Or do something special for him? I had made a scrapbook of our various trips together for his birthday which is in 12 days, now I don't know he would like it? Would it be viewed as 'too much' and drive him further away? Or would it help him remember our good times with positive feelings? At the time I was making it, everything was so fine with us. I could very definitely feel his love. Then, ironically, when I only had two more pages to complete, the fight occurred, and then that email. I haven't finished the two pages. Please advise, I really don't know what to do. Thank you.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 3 years ago.

Cathy :

Hi and thanks for writing JA

Cathy :

are you there?

Customer :

hello, i'm here

Customer :

this is my first time using this

Cathy :

Hi nice to see you

Cathy :

I have read your post

Customer :

nice to meet you

Customer :

thank you

Cathy :

nice to meet you also

Customer :

you mentioned you've read the post,

Customer :

is there a reply?

Customer :

you do you reply in this format?

Cathy :

I am not entirely clear about what you are asking here but after reading your post it appears that your friend changed his mind about you when you had this disagreement

Cathy :

based upon your post that is clear

Cathy :

can you tell us what your question might be?

Customer :

has he suddenly lost his feelings?

Cathy :

no not at all

Customer :

it was basically overnight to me

Customer :

and i dont know what to do

Cathy :

he discovered something about you in your rift that made him question his feelings

Customer :

do i try to show him more love / have him be 'the man'

Cathy :

no suddenness about it at all

Customer :

or, give him space ? or ?

Cathy :

I would instead ask yourself what you did to be so off putting?

Cathy :

what did you say or do to make him back up

Customer :

my mother was very stressed out, and she had made me very upset right previous to his call

Customer :

he called after that,

Customer :

and, as i tried to tell him what happened,

Cathy :

okay so what did you do or say to make him back up?

Customer :

he said that i was being reckless in suddenly deciding to move his country with him so soon

Cathy :

hello

Customer :

however,

Cathy :

are you there

Cathy :

oh okay

Customer :

he was the one who asked me

Customer :

he asked me a few months ago

Customer :

but in his memory, now he imagines that it was last year,

Cathy :

but my guess is that your mother angered you and you told him you were ready to move right away?

Cathy :

is this possible?

Customer :

no

Cathy :

okay then

Customer :

he is supposed to come to meet her in two weeks

Customer :

we have a trip planned together

Cathy :

its unclear again what you are asking

Customer :

and, i told him that if he is serious,

Customer :

it would be good to tell my mom

Cathy :

okay and you had a verbal disagreement and he backed off

Customer :

so she can calm down about it

Cathy :

and you have still not said why?

Cathy :

why did he back off

Customer :

from that point,

Cathy :

because you said something to him that caused it

Customer :

as i typed,

Customer :

i told him that if he was serious about me moving to him,

Customer :

he might want to talk to my mom about it

Cathy :

why did he back off?

Customer :

i dont know

Cathy :

what did you say to him to cause him to not want you anymore?

Customer :

he started bringing up past arguments and saying now he wasnt sure

Cathy :

talk to your mom about what?

Customer :

about me moving to him

Cathy :

okay

Cathy :

so far this is not making a lot of sense

Customer :

...

Customer :

basically,

Cathy :

I can understand that you are very upset indeed

Cathy :

so might you wish to take some time on this?

Cathy :

why dont you take some more time on this?

Customer :

we started arguing because i was already upset, asked him to tell my mother about his intentions on my moving to his country. then he started to try to back off from it

Cathy :

I ask you questions about this but you are not responding rationally

Customer :

excuse me

Customer :

let me rephrase

Customer :

or not intertwine answers or questions

Cathy :

I think maybe you should take some time to relist this question when you are feeling calmer

Customer :

from my question which was 'is he

Customer :

?

Customer :

is there someone else here I can speak with?

Cathy :

your question is available for all to see. The response to your qestion is that he heard or saw somethng in your disagreement that made him change his mind about you. When I tried to explore this with you you were not able to respond to questions appropriately and instead kept talking about other issues not related to your question. Please take some time to calm down and relax so another expert can help you and you can respond appropriately; Good Luck and best wishes to you. Cathy

Customer :

Should I just wait here?

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