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MrsRuss0114
MrsRuss0114, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 214
Experience:  B.A.Psychology, MSW, LCSW, HS-BCP; 8+ yrs experience.
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long story short, i broke up with my boyfriend and he calls

Customer Question

long story short, i broke up with my boyfriend and he calls it cheating but i slept with someone else while we were on a "break" i put him down and pushed him away for a couple of months because i felt so low from what i did. i realized what i did was wrong and i truly care for him and he tells me he is out of love because i hurt him so bad and all he wants to go now is be single and isnt looking for a gf. he said he still cares and wanted me back for a long time but now he cant do it.. he said maybe in the future. . should i move on? or is there still hope? i go to college an hour and a half away in 2 months.. he doesnt want to reconcile during the summer.. so i dont know. he cried and begged for me back. he told me if i would have came back a month earlier maybe he would have. now he doesnt care if we even talk or see eachother. he avoids it and just wants to be himself right now.. but he says he misses me.. he says he cares and has feelings but lost a lot and no longer loves me.. he said he could find another gf and realize he wants me. or could find someone better. he said he cant tell the future and wants to live for now.. i just want to know if its possible he will come back. 
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  MrsRuss0114 replied 3 years ago.

Russ0114 : Hello and thank you for choosing just answer, I look forward to assisting you.
Customer:

hello

Russ0114 : As your boyfriend shared he's very hurt that you slept with someone else even though you two were on a break. He still looks at this as a betrayal of sorts. Right now, you should give him the space he's stating that he needs. You don't want to force a relationship because things could only get worse. It's possible that he will be able to forgive you completely and want to reconcile things but you have to allow him the time to figure things out.
Customer:

even if he says he has fallen out of love with me?

Russ0114 : Yes, because even though he says that, he also says thT he still has feelings for you right? It sounds to me as if he's just very hurt by you sleeping with someone else.
Customer:

i also said a lot of mean things to him and was trying to push him away.. its not just the sleeping with someone eles. i put him down only because i was so upset with myself. its the things ive said.. but he's told me to move on and find someone else and do what makes me happy.. i dont know if he actually wants me to find someone else or not.. he stated he is basically over me for the most part but will always care.

Russ0114 : It takes awhile to get over the hurt caused by someone you thought would never hurt you so I can definitely see where and why he's trying to put some distance between the two of you. He may figure out after doing so and feeling like he's healed from it all that he can't stop thinking about you and wants to give things another try but he could also realize he wants the exact opposite of that. Time is the most important factor here and he's asking you to give him some space.
Customer:

yeah you're right.. i'm just worried that he will find another girlfriend.. he told me it is a possibility, just not at the time being.

Russ0114 : Right now, you should respect his wish and try to move forward with your life as well.
Customer:

do you think he'll end up missing me and come back eventually? even if it takes a while.

Customer:

if i give him enough space and stop contacting him,

Russ0114 : I think the best thing for the both of you is going to be stepping away from it all and seeing if something better comes along. If in doing so, you two find that your minds keeping coming back to each other then you can discuss what possibilities lie ahead for the two of you.
Customer:

if he was completely done with me, wouldn't he say so? would he act differently than he is now.

Russ0114 : I think that's definitely possible and if that happens, the two of you need to have a very Frank discussion about the expectations in the relationship to avoid situations like this.
Russ0114 : If he was completely done with you, I don't think he would be acting as cordial as you've described. Even in his own hurt, he's still wanting to see you happy even if it's not with him so there's no doubt that he cares.
Customer:

i told him i would wait for him and we were going to see how things went after a while after giving eachother space. but we got into arguments and i got jealous if he was with a girl, so i think it changed his outlook. but i feel if i give him the space he needs then he will see it differently. he changes his mind a lot. its how he is.

Customer:

but he didnt guarantee he would try giving us a shot again.

Russ0114 : And I think that's fair and very honest of him not to guarantee it. However, that just says to me that he's trying his best not to hurt you even though you hurt him.
Customer:

so in all honesty, do u see hope in the future? does it not appear like its done for good to you?

Customer:

i just need constant assurance.. no matter what people say to me.

Russ0114 : Based on what you've shared, I think it's very possible that the two if you could get back together and make things work.
Customer:

the hard part is the fact i'm going away to school in 2 months. its not that far, but it isnt helpful

Russ0114 : I think during this time, you have to figure out what made you si unhappy that you chose to sleep with someone else and factor that in should the two of you decide to try working things out v
Russ0114 : You're right because even the most solid relationships fail due to distance. You'll have to give it time.
Customer:

how should i act if i want to attract him back? indepdent and happy? the last thing i said to him was over a test message this morning and i told him i wasnt depressed that we cant be together and i was happy and made peace with it and have accepted it and that whatever happens is for the best.

Customer:

he also did not respond to that text message.

Russ0114 : You can let him now that you respect his need for space and that if given the opportunity you would so whatever you can to work things out and be a couple again. And that you hope in time, he sees how sorry you are for hurting him and begin to trust you again with his heart but you will allow him this time to figure things out because you want to see him happy as well.
Russ0114 : Once you've said your peace, you have to let it ago and be true to your word and give him space.
Customer:

we had a talk yesterday and we ended it by hugging and he told me he wanted me to know he really did love me a lot. i basically did say everything u stated to him just not all at once so i hope he realizes that. and by not contacting him, that is respecting his space.

Customer:

i just hope he realizes.

Customer:

i feel he will miss me if i dont contact him for a while. hes used to be makng contact for over a month now.

Russ0114 : I think he will miss you and you just have to give him a chance too.
Customer:

do you think he will try talking to another girl and dating her before reconciling with me?

Russ0114 : If an opportunity presents itself, he may test the waters and in the back of his mind he may justify it as a we're even type if deal but he really may just need time to get over you hurting him.
Customer:

he told me that he didnt go after girls when we broke up like most guys do to get over a girl.. he basically just doesnt want a girlfriend.. i told him it would hurt me if he found someone else without trying with me and i told him i leave august 20th if he wants to see or talk to me.. so he knows. i wonder if he will contact me before i leave...

Russ0114 : However, he may find that talking to other girls doesn't make him happy at all and his thoughts go back to you.
Russ0114 : If he's really trying to figure things out, he may not contact you but that doesn't mean he's nit thinking about or doesn't care about you.
Customer:

you dont think he will initiate contact in 2 months?

Russ0114 : You're going to have to be very patient now if you really want to try to work things out.
Russ0114 : I honestly can't say. If he's expressed over and over again that he needs some space he may take full advantage of that so I think you just have to hope for the best.
Russ0114 : He may contact you to say bye before you leave for school but that'll depend on where he's at with trying to get over this situation.
Customer:

okay. so should i try to act happy and independent and not upset?

Russ0114 : I think you should act confident and independent.
Customer:

okay. thank you so much for your time! you really helped.

MrsRuss0114, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 214
Experience: B.A.Psychology, MSW, LCSW, HS-BCP; 8+ yrs experience.
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MrsRuss0114
MrsRuss0114
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
155 Satisfied Customers
B.A.Psychology, MSW, LCSW, HS-BCP; 8+ yrs experience.