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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5556
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Have a big problem and dont know what to do. I am 41 yrs old

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Have a big problem and don't know what to do. I am 41 yrs old and I have seeing my current boyfriend for 10 months now. We moved into together after 6 months and says that ways to quick. He has changed some since we moved into together. I want to live like we are married but not really. I try to talk to him about things and at the time did not bother him. Like know what is in his mail and trying to help him out.I just like to know what goes on with his life and but more together with him. He wants to have more privacy and it is not my place to know what is in his mail or who he talks to on the phone. I feel he wants to keeps secrets from me so it is a way for him to cheat on me. I have never loved anyone like I love this man. Yesterday i even told him that I cant get anyone to love me and never will and might as well kill myself. Which i told him i tried 2 times already which he was shocked. He is really thinking there is no chance for us at all. The worse part is that is says he really cares about me and love me very much and tells me i am a good woman. I told him he will never find no one else as good as me and he agrees with me. I don't want to lose this man over stupid stuff and i really mess relationships up i just want someone to love me and am afraid that i will do something very stupid. I cant support myself either. I don't make enough to do so. I don't know what to do about this. I want him and don't want to end this but he don't think it will work and wont even talk with me and now it may be to late. I am so depressed over this not even eating at all and i hurt all over inside and out. I believe we are meant for each other and I blew it. Been searching my whole life and found the man of my dreams and i blew it. been crying and hard to stop crying.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

Anytime you live with someone, there is an adjustment period where you both get to know each other and learn each others boundaries. There is nothing wrong with you trying to adjust by deciding whether or not it is ok to read his mail. Or how much closeness you both should have or how much independence. It is a matter of communication and the two of you working these issues out.

 

It sounds like you are very fearful of being rejected and feel insecure enough that you don't feel you have the right to make mistakes. So you overcompensate and try to become too attached or prove you are the right person for your partner. That results in lack of respect for you from your partner and yourself.

 

One of the things you can do is work on your self esteem. Building yourself up and realizing that you are worthwhile and valuable to yourself and in a relationship can make a big difference in how you feel. You also should work on boundaries and communication in relationships. That will help you learn where to draw the line and how to have your own space and give your partner his space.

 

One of the best ways to help yourself is therapy. Talking to someone who can give you a neutral point of view and help guide you is a key to helping you approach your relationships in a more healthy way. To find a therapist, try talking to your doctor about a referral. Or you can talk with your pastor, if you attend church. You can also search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

 

You can also work on this issue at home. Here are some resources to help you get started:

 

Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning

 

The Courage to Be Yourself: A Woman's Guide to Emotional Strength and Self-Esteem by Sue Patton Thoele

 

How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving by David Richo and Kathlyn Hendricks

 

Boundaries in Dating: Making Dating Work by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

Let me know if I can help any further,

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
How am I to save this relationship? I already know many of the items you gave me. I know I have had self esteem issues my whole life and i know i attach myself to quickly to someone. I try to communicate with past boyfriends and current boyfriend. How do you get them to communicate with you if they do not tell you what is going on and what you are doing wrong. I have asked him many occations and he would say nothing but i knew something was wrong. I want to save this relationship and i do not know if it is to late or not.
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.

You can tell your boyfriend that you want to work on your issues and so you can save the relationship. If you are already aware of your self esteem issues, make the effort to seek out help to increase your self esteem. Being too reliant on your partners for your needs makes the relationship fail. When you tell your boyfriend you are willing to take responsibility and meet your own needs, you can save your relationship by taking the pressure off of him and working on your own problems. If he is willing to listen, then your relationship can work.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I have tried to get him to talk with me and he is afraid to talk to me for some reason. He tells me he dont want to hurt me at all. He says he really does care about me and loves me. also says I am a good woman and he knows that i will treat him better that anyone he will ever find. He knows i really love him alot and i have never felt this way before about anyone. I told him i tried to commit suiside and just dont want to live. I should have never told him that but i was and still afraid of loosing him. He dont know if we can work it out or not and i dont know if he is willing to try because of the suiside comment i made yesterday. I was talking nosense and was not thinking straight. I just dont know how to fix this. I am so sad and depressed.
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.

You are making him feel responsible for your feelings and that is why he is pulling away. When you tell someone you are going to hurt yourself, they feel like they should do something. They feel responsible. They may also feel frightened and unsure what to do. Therefore, they may just get away from the situation so they don't have to handle such strong emotions.

 

If you are consistently needy in your relationships, that will make your partners pull away. Someone who is needy makes others feel responsible. It causes an imbalance in the relationship when one person feels responsible for another. You also take away the other persons ability to be needy themselves. They may feel you are too fragile to handle their feelings so they have no one to share with. So your partners leave and you are left feeling abandoned.

 

Addressing this issue will help you learn to take care of your needs and help your partners feel free to love you in a healthy way.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5556
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy
Counselor
5556 Satisfied Customers
Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues