How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask MrsRuss0114 Your Own Question

MrsRuss0114
MrsRuss0114, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 215
Experience:  B.A.Psychology, MSW, LCSW, HS-BCP; 8+ yrs experience.
56136667
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
MrsRuss0114 is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My boyfriend and I have been together a year and a half and

Customer Question

My boyfriend and I have been together a year and a half and he has been friends with this girl since they were children living in Peru. For the past few months they seem to have reconnected and now talk constantly, even now that shes on vacation in Peru. She fully knows about me and him and even asks him questions about our relationship. I hate the fact that they talk constantly, and have even told him so but he is adament that there are no feelings there and she is just an old friend. She lives out west, and I know there is no hope of them seeing each other anytime soon, but she has been trying to get him to come visit, and I told him he is absolutely not going out there, nor is she coming here and he seems to have accepted it, but they still talk all the time! How do I not let it bother me and believe they are just friends...or get him to stop speaking with her (which is what I want.)
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  MrsRuss0114 replied 4 years ago.

Russ0114 :

Hello and thank you for choosing just answer, I look forward to assisting you.

Russ0114 :

It sounds like there is a trust issue on your part and if this is the case, you have to find what's causing it so that you can work through it and then accept that he's being truthful with you about there being no feelings beyond childhood friends.

Russ0114 :

Please let me know when you may be available as I would gladly live chat with you regarding this matter.

JACUSTOMER-oqqyrxcr- :

i believe I do trust him but I am just worried that all the time he spends speaking with her he is going to develope feelings for her even though they have known each other forever

Russ0114 : If you trust him, then you have to remind yourself of this. He's shared with you that there are no feelings beyond friendship and until he gives you cause to believe otherwise you have to remember that you trust him and the strength of your relationship otherwise, you may push him away.
Russ0114 : The only other way to address this is to issue him an ultimatum but if you choose to do so, you have to prepare yourself for the possibility of him not giving in to it which could also hurt your relationship.
JACUSTOMER-oqqyrxcr- :

He is still speaking with the girl, and we have gotten into numerous fights about it. He swears high and low she is just a friend and there is nothing wrong with that, and he has stopped speaking to her as much as he was, but i recently left for a week and days after I left he is asking her on facebook when they are going to skype again, and I looked at his skype when i got home and saw that when he and i got into a fight when I was on vacation he was letting her listen to the fight and asking her what he should say to me to make the fight better. It really annoyed me, and I couldn't even bring it up because I didnt want him to know I was looking through his skype. He tells me how much he loves, and wants to be with me, but why then do I worry so much about this girl who lives accross the country?

Russ0114 : I do think it's inappropriate for him to allow her to listen to any discussion the two of you are having, that's crossing a line. I mentioned before about trust and you said that you believe you do trust him but your actions of looking through his skype says otherwise. You have to make a decision to either fully address this situation including all of the information you have and how you got it to try to end this matter or let it go and try to nurture your relationship. If you continue to remain in this place, what will become of your relationship and can you be truly happy if things continue just as they are.
JACUSTOMER-oqqyrxcr- :

I know I can't confront him with all the information because it would just make things worse. I can understand how he is looking to someone else to help him get a solution because he is tired of fighting with me over the same jealousy issues, and he is viewing her as someone who is compltely unconnected to us, and can give an unbiased opinion. I just worry he has feelings for her, friendship I can accept, I just want to believe its nothing more than than and I don't no how to get closure on this.

Russ0114 :

You have to figure out what's causing you to not believe what your boyfriend is telling you about his friendship with this girl. Until you do, you're always going to have doubt which is going to continue to cause issues in your relationship. The only way to get closure is to figure out the source of you being unable to completely accept what he telling you and to determine if you ever will be able to do so.

JACUSTOMER-oqqyrxcr- :

I was cheated on in my past relationship so I know that contributes to a lot of my insecurities...but my current boyfriend constantly reminds me that he isnt my ex. He says he trusts me to speak with whoever and I should show him the same trust. I try and remind myself that afetr all the crap him and I have put up with, we still remain together, so he must really love me? If he didn't why wouldn't he just leave me and go be with this girl. At least that is what seems logical to me.

Russ0114 :

I will try to stay in the chat to see if you come back on after I respond, it seems we just keep missing one another.

Russ0114 :

You're right, more times than not, we allow our past relationships to hold us hostage and will often play out our insecurities in our current relationship

Russ0114 :

I think that if you're boyfriend really wanted to not be with you any longer, he wouldn't.

Russ0114 :

You're thinking while on that track is completely logical and now you have to not only trust yourself in that but trust him as well.

Russ0114 :

Once you're able to do so, the two of you can move on from this.

Russ0114 :

Also, maybe it's time that you meet this girl and talk to her for yourself just as a way to get to know her because it seems like they were pretty good friends as children and are trying to rebuild that friendship.

Russ0114 :

I think once you're able to move on from this, your boyfriend will feel more comfortable talking to you about things going on in your relationship versus going to her. I also think that that's a reasonable request for you to ask of him.

JACUSTOMER-oqqyrxcr- :

I have thought about talking to her but she lives in Colorado. They will never see each other, and never do see each other which is why I do feel a little rediculas about being upset about him talking to her. The funny thing is I do trust him talking to girls I know, and already am friends with as well, its just this girl that really bothers me, but its not like he just started talking to her...they have talked the entire time him and I have been in a relationship I just never realized it before..so why do I care now all of a sudden? I wish I could just believe him when he tells me how much I mean to him, and how much he loves me, but I feel like the only way I will is if she is out of his life, but thats not fair

Russ0114 : You're right, it's not fair and it's probably not going to change. My suggestion is to really do some introspective thinking to try to understand why this particular girl bothers you so much. Is it because they have so much history? Until you get those feelings about her resolved; again, you're going to find yourself in this unrelenting cycle.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Previous | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Kate McCoy

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1664
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1664
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    915
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/mschase2u/2009-01-04_010319_chaseface.jpg Ms Chase's Avatar

    Ms Chase

    Life Coach

    Satisfied Customers:

    853
    Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/AL/aliciamiller/2012-4-9_21330_profilepicture.64x64.jpg Alicia_MSW's Avatar

    Alicia_MSW

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    453
    Specializing in relationship/family counseling
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/NP/nphbrown/2012-7-30_24048_ImYrManSerious1.64x64.jpg Dr. Norman Brown's Avatar

    Dr. Norman Brown

    Marriage Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    414
    Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    366
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency