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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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i have been with this guy for 4 1/2 years. I fell in love

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i have been with this guy for 4 1/2 years. I fell in love with him, without doubt, the way i feel when i think about him to this day; the butterflies and goosebumps. He doesn't do everything right, but no one does.
His parents were divorced and his mom died when he was 16, from alcoholism. Dad is still around and really seems against the way females think. So, he passes his information to his son. My guy is now 43, and he has been gambling pretty much his whole life. I was not aware for the first 2 years or so, that he was a complulsive gambler. The lies, the deceipt was unbelievable, and it hurt me. Biggest thing, he was ruining his own life. I stayed with him, and up until about a year ago, he kept lying about the gambling, and money. He kicked himself out of all of the casinos in Arizona for a 10 year period, finally realizing the gambling was going to kill him.
Well, he did this without any counseling. He had said he tried counseling in the past, and it did nothing for him, so he wasn't going to do it now.
I haven't thought but a few times that he was gambling since last year, but I'm trying my best to trust him, which is hard, especially after being lied to for years. I will also mention, things got so bad with the lying and gambling that 2 years ago, when i went to ny to visit family and friends, i had a sexual encounter with an old friend, and I keep saying I did it because of the lies; the grass is greener on the other side. I told him about this encounter, and had to rebuild the trust with him for what i had done. I know it was a huge mistake, and i have never looked at another man like that since. I did him wrong, i know, but i will never do that again.
I stood by him, when he had decided to quit gambling, but refused to stand by him while he was gambling, meaning I wasn't about to sit back and let him ruin either of our lives. Everything, in my opinion, has been going great, we are happy together, share goals and dreams, except I share with his hobbies, but he doesn't share mine. I like camping for instance, and we went camping once in over 4 years. He likes to shoot pool, so we go shoot pool every week.
Anyway, recently, as of 3 months ago I believe, he was talking to someone at the bar about this guys motorcycle. I looked at him and said, you are seriously not thinking about buying a motorcycle right now, right? I mean, we certainly cannot afford a motorcycle, at least not until we get our lives in order financially. He assured me he was not. The next day, I called him, and when I asked where he was at, he told me, "Oh, I'm just looking at this motorcycle that I just bought, and imagining my baby on the back."...
I was needless to say, absolutely furious with the decision to buy this motorcycle behind my back, then lying the night before, and spending 3,000 on it, when we still have to buy castings for his job, and the house taxes needed to be paid, and house needs areas fixed, etc. etc. This was a decision he made without me and voiced his opinion that he should be able to make his own decisions sometimes. He had decided, "ok, whatever, I will sell it, can you help me and put it on Craigs list, because I do need my castings, so we can make good money." I put it up for sale for him, and I left to go to NY because my 17 year old who lives with his dad up there, had a sudden medical issue. Every day I was there, we said our good mornings, and good nights, and I love yous...etc. I couldn't wait to get back to him, I missed him terribly.
I get back, see the motorcycle still here, my son who lives with us, said he went out at least 4 times a week, and never returned home til midnight or so, and said he never intended on selling the bike, especially since he was on a good money making job right now; so he's trying to justify keeping the bike, AND he lied to me about going out while I was in NY, AND lied about wanting to sell the bike. He told me he is a big boy, and he can keep it, and I shouldn't stand in his way, and I should back his move, and that I never back his move if things don't go the way I want them to go. Then, he packed up his stuff, said I'm leaving for a week, and see what happens. He is gone now, took everything of his and left, with his motorcycle. He chose that over me. What do I do, now that I feel so empty, as this man showed me what true love is? I began trusting him, only to fnd out he has been lying to me even about minor things, as well as major. I had decided since he was the only real thing that made me come back to arizona, I am just going to sell my house and move, because I cannot stand to be down here, where I will be able to see him with any other woman.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

You are feeling bad now, for you have been abandoned after putting up with lies and deceipt for years. You say that he showed you what true love it, but I didn't see a single example of that in your long story.

It sounds as if your ex boyfriend may be suffering from bipolar disorder, which includes reckless behavior (like gambling, like buying things he cannot afford, like speeding), like packing up and moving out on you.

A agree that the best thing for you do to is to move on. You are very addicted to him and so you would be best to distance yourself from him and not fall back into the trap you have been in for the last 4 1/2 years. Being in love with the "wrong" guy is a terrible fate. In the long run you will be very happy that he is out of your life, although you will suffer some grief for awhile, as if someone had passed away.

Get on with your life ,and put this experience behind you. That is the healthiest thing you can do. Take this opportunity and run with it while you can. Don't get sucked back into a dead end relationship.

Have courage, strength, and put your plan into action.

Best wishes,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
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