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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years and living

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My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years and living together for 5. I am 26 and he is 36. In the beginning he used to be very affectionate towards me. He would call me all day, and you would be able to her the excitement in his tone. He would rush home to be with me. He would hug me, kiss me and our sex life would be great, 3 times a week.

I've had issues of jealousy and felt insecure because it bothered me how overly friendly he could be with females. I know he means well and don't mean to flirt, because he's just really friendly and can strike any convesations with just about anyone. With me, I start off shy until I get to know the person.

We've had arguments in the past because of this but Ive told and he knows it bothers me and makes me feel uncomforable.

I trust him I just hate the idea of seeing him get all friendly with other women and giving them attention.

Sometimes though, when we don't argue for a while, he becomes sweet and loving like he would hug me, check on me throughout the day and buy me things.

There's also a time where our arguments became too overwhelming so he asked for space. I moved out for 6 months and moved back in. Tings started off great, until we argued again. This time it's because he told me he still doesn't know if he wants to be with me, but says he loves me just doesn't know if he wants to be in a relationship.

I even proposed to him but he said nom he's not react. He knows how important marriage is to me and commitment, were still not engaged, I am getting concerned because I'll be 27 in 3 months and I want to have kids before I'm 35. Don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy, good hearted, loves to help people, but lately I just feel he's become distant and not interested in the relationship anymore.

Call me foolish, were still living together, but he has not told me or made clear that we are back together but we are doing the same things as couples do: pay bills together, go out together shopping, he still calls me and say I love you, he would hug me but not as tight, he would kiss me but I don't feel anything no butterflies, the kiss is just a pek on the lips. I've asked him why we don't make out or why he's not as affectionate, like I would ask him to hold me while watching tv and or hold my hand when in the car, he would tell me things like I don't want to right now or I'm tired.

Some days he would hold me, some days he would be so sweet to me, some days he can be mean. Especially when we argue, he would call me names and even threaten to end our relationship by saying he's not happy. He's tired of living like this blah blah and or he would say, I would love for you to date other guys to see how good you have it. And I would get upset.

Sometimes he would say after we argue, and I don't talk to him, he would call me and say I love you very much and I care, you're my number 1,... He can be hot and cold with me at times and it confuses me.

He tells me were trying to work things out and were trying to work our differences so we can get move forward with our relationship and get married but he also told me that he's scared of marriage and doesn't want to get married cause he doesn't want to argue or deal with any problems.

It really bothers me a lot more now since he still doesn't know if were together or will ever be back together. But when we go out, he introduces me as his girl.

We barely go out on dates now when we do he always suggest we have his friends join us so we barely go on any dates just us two. He would always say it's better to have other people join us so it's more fun. Before he used to just enjoy our company.

Sometimes when I ask him little things, he would say not now, or later and it never happens but when he wants something like a massage, I don't hesitate.
I'm always now the one initiating sex. He seems to always be tired and not as interested anymore.

I'm just so confused because I love him and that's why I am still with him, but I want more. I need to he not interested anymore and should I move on?

Also, one last thing, when I would ask him if he still wants to be with me he would say I don't know...and when I ask him if he still loves me, he would say yes of course, I care about you. And when I tell him so how come you can't answer my question if you want to be with me, he would say, I don't have the answer right now and he would say but whatever happens I'm here for you for life. Meaning he'll be there for me as friends. But I tell him no I don't want that I want to know if you want to be with me. And he would just say I don't want to talk about it anymore. So it never gets resolved. Then recent argument we had was he said we don't socialize with people we need more friends to hang out with so when we do get married, he always say this: who are we going to invite to our wedding? so I mentioned to him about a couples group that meet up and hang out twice a month, he said no I don't want to do that. He said he'd rather meet people the natural way but I tell him it's local people like us but he said no.. So I'm so lost, he tells me we need more friends but when I tell him and try to make effort by wanting to join a couples group he don't want to do it.

By the way, this sounds so stupid of me, but I've been waiting patiently fir him to give me an answer for a year now since he asked for space. We never separated officially cause we never broke up official but he just asked space, and now I'm feeling it's a mistake cause I don't know if he'd want to come back but he still wants me around...when i moved out, he would call me everyday, visit me and we'd hang out and go on dates every weekend. But now I'm back, it's like back to him always not having time.
He sounds like someone that is a people person, likes to interact with others. You mentioned about him being friendly with girls. Which I understand when you love someone you love them so much you don't want to lose them. His personality sounds like he is very social. I think he just likes to be around people, hang out, talk. I wouldn't take his social personality as he wants to be in a relationship with another girl. You have to look at that he loves you and doesn't want no one else. You both sound like you have a strong relationship that can be fixed and worked out. Some times when relationships start they are new, fun, relaxed, but as feeling develop emotions get stronger and things change. Things that didn't bother you start to bother you like him socializing with other girls. So them knowing that bothers you he changes and begins to watch how he acts in public because he doesn't want to hurt you. He does have to conciser your feelings because you shouldn't feel uncomfortable in a situation that can be avoided. It would make you not want to go out because his socializing with other girls bothers you. So he needs to be understanding of that. Communication and understanding is major in a relationship and you need to keep expressing yourself. You both love each other and need to talk out and decide what is the best thing for you both. He is hot and cold because he wants this relationship but he is shutting down because he is afraid to peon up. He needs to express how he feels as well. If yo need any more help I am here to answer.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Wow.. I am speechless with your answer. It's true and it makes sense now. Thank you so much for your beautiful insight. I have to understand that were both different cause yes he is a people person and we do love each other very much. The only downfall of our relationship is our differences, I'm shy he's not. but it's something we can work out.

He does have a hard time opening up and that something I've told and asked him to not be afraid to do with me.

Thank you again, you have given me hope. =)

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