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Doctor Kevin
Doctor Kevin, Ph.D.
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1482
Experience:  24 years in a private practice
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Ill try to not make this too lengthy. First I am in a 6 year

Customer Question

I'll try to not make this too lengthy. First I am in a 6 year relationship. I am 44 she is 39. We have both been in threesomes in our past. In both our cases it did not ruin the relationship. In her past she was an escort, but has not done that in a long time. During the entire length of our relationship she likes for me to tell her stories during sex about me having sex with other women and likes me to bring her into the story at some point. She has told me many times that she wants to see me have sex with another woman and have a threesome. I believe what she says because she has very intense orgasms when I tell her stories involving women we know and when certain people have been in the next room while we had sex. In fact, we went to a strip club and went into a private room with a stripper. After we left we had the best sex of our relationship. The only problem was that we both felt the stripper paid too much attention to her and not enough to me. We found out later that strippers are told to do that if a couple comes in. She has a friend that is the common topic of the stories she wants me to tell during sex, and she has told me many times that she would love to see me have sex with her and have a threesome with her. Her friend has done these things before and really enjoys it. Now to the problem. I am secure enough in the relationship to not have a problem. I mean, I love her and would not leave her for her friend or anyone for that matter. I would be just fine if this topic or suggestion never came up. And at the same time I find the idea of fulfilling her fantasy very arousing. Pleasuring the one I'm with is a huge turn on for me. She has been very explicit about what she wants to happen and I can't imagine any one, male or female, not being turned on by what she wants. The thing is she at times seems very insecure. I mean during the time I have been with her. I have never given her reason to doubt me or my commitment to her. Yet she still has insecurity. We both agree that what we do sexually together in agreement is ok. Anything without each other is cheating. I truly believe that if I don't have the threesome with her and her friend that she will eventually do it without me which of course by mutual disscussion is forbidden and WOULD ruin the relationship. At the same time I fear that with her occasional insecurity, that doing this could possibly ruin our relationship. She has recently been trying to get her friend to come stay for the weekend saying that its because she does not see her friend that often. But she has also told me she wants her friend to come over so she can watch her and I have sex and have that threesome she wants so badly. I need to figure out what to do. I mean the thought of doing this for her and with her is very tempting and as I said, I don't have a problem with doing this sexual thing for/with her. I just wonder, because of her occasional insecurity if she would. Please read this entire message carefully, as I need the best answer I can get.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Doctor Kevin replied 3 years ago.

Kevin Kappler :

I have read and reread your request. You seem to be looking at every angle and have a concern about the consequences if it happens or it doesn't happen. I can only say that from personal experience once you cross that line there is no going back. It will profoundly change your relationship and if you are worried now you will be twice as worried after. If you can stand that kind of chess then go ahead and keep playing. I think you are wrong that if you decide not to make this a reality your wife may do something drastic. We all have lived ways in the past that we would like to stay in the past and once they see the light of day they are a force to be reconed with.

Kevin Kappler :

Anyway I think that the concern that your wife may decide to go ahead with out you is not consistent with her insecurity

Customer:

To an extent, I agree. The thing is I know her very well. Experience with her has shown me that when it's something that she wants, she will get it. With or without me.

Kevin Kappler :

OK so if that is the case then you don't have much to decide. Am I right?

Customer:

Thats what I'm trying to figure out. From what I see and know of her, it seems to be a situation of possibly damned if I do and deffinately damned if I don't.

Kevin Kappler :

Have you asked her anything about who makes this decision?

Customer:

Yes, as I stated in my message, we have talked about this a lot. It seems to be something she really wants. It's just that at times she has these insecurity issues that come up. Even though I have never given her reason to doubt me. I think that her abandonment issues go back to her childhood as well as her failed relationships in the past. I know that my ability to separate emotion from the other woman that would be participating might be different than most men would be able to do. I just don't know how to assure her that the emotional detachment would be the same for me as it would be for her. Unless that is not the case for her at all.

Kevin Kappler :

I don't see it that way at all. Her insecurities are part of any time you have a fantasy come true especially a sexual one. It is one thing to talk about it but actually doing it makes it real. There are some fantasies that once they become a reality become different and you have to deal with real people and real people's feelings as opposed to the imaginary ones. That is the real problem here. When you involve another person then all the real feelings about that person become a factor. You just cant say "Im doing this for you" and expect her to believe it.

Customer:

Thats part of what I'm talking about. I don't have, lets call them, " life long romantic" feelings about her friend. Its just that sometimes it seems to be what she might think, and maybe this is just over anylyzing, but maybe what she thinks might happen to herself. As I stated in my first message. We have fulfilled our fantasies in a number of ways and times in the past and it brought us even closer together. The big reason I have wondered o this is I hear all the time that few relationships survive this type of activity. Even though we have both had the threesome experience. I will tell you now, and she knows this, that I was married and it was my wife that I had a threesome with. She and I were together untill her death some years back.

Kevin Kappler :

The survival rate is something I would concur with. Love is a fragile thing and once it is changed it cant go back to being innocent again. You loose somethings like some intimacy and you gain some things in terms of reality.

Customer:

That is something I have deffinately learned in my short time on this Earth. In your experience, how common is my particular problem. Given the information that I have given you. I do realize that you will not mention specific people. And if you have encountered this same dilema, what was the lets call it "mortality rate" of the relationship.

Kevin Kappler :

The major factor has been the age of the couple. The second factor is substance abuse. I have not had too many instances of this situation and can't have had enough clients to give you a statistic. The main issue is the conversion of fantasy to reality means that there is another player on the board with real feelings and real reactions. So the innocence goes out of the original relationship as the reality that we are all separate humans creeps in. I don't know any other way to describe it. You feel different and everyone starts worrying about who feel what about whom.

Kevin Kappler :

Is there any way we can reach a conclusion about this. I know that it is a topic of endless debate.

Customer:

I see what u mean. And this is something I have thought about. I know that I don't have any long term type feelings for the woman she wants to include. I also know that her friend has not shown any sign of long term relationship type feelings for my girlfriend. The only question yet to be answered is does my girlfriend have any long term type feelings for her friend. Talking to you has forced me to see that I will have to take a gamble. Given that while talking to you I realize that if I don't do it, our relationship WILL end, while if I do it may end. And looking at it this way, it's like I tell her, "Even a slight chance is better than no chance". Thanks

Customer:

Have a good night.

Doctor Kevin, Ph.D.
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1482
Experience: 24 years in a private practice
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