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MrsRuss0114
MrsRuss0114, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 214
Experience:  B.A.Psychology, MSW, LCSW, HS-BCP; 8+ yrs experience.
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I am seeing a man whom I care for very much. We have known

Customer Question

I am seeing a man whom I care for very much. We have known each other for two years and have had intense chemistry from the start. We were only friends up until a few months ago, when we both became available to be more. I know he cares for me very much as well. We had been hinting around for a long time about how we are such a great fit. And now that we're together, we know we are a great fit. Here's the potential problem: He is a professional and will likely be getting a job offer that is great for his career, but will require him to move out of state. I am unable to go, even if he asked me to, which may be why he hasn't discussed my going with him. He would be leaving 10+ years of history and friends where he currently lives, to move somewhere where he knows NO ONE and has nothing but his dog and his job. (Sounds horribly depressing to me!) So my question is how could he consider leaving when we have just finally been able to start something romantic, and it's going so well...we are definitely falling in love with each other. How could he leave me behind?!
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  MrsRuss0114 replied 3 years ago.

Russ0114 : Hello and thank you for choosing just answer, I look forward to assisting you.
Russ0114 : I think as great as things are between the two of you and the hope for that to continue to be more, he may be thinking that making this move for his career is a sure thing, and because your romantic relationship is so new, there's probably a degree of uncertainty which brings on a little fear.
Customer:

So there is probably little or no hope that he would realize how special and rare our connection is (because again, it's not like we just met), and want to see where it goes?

Customer:

Sorry, I know you're not psychic or able to read his mind :)

Russ0114 : I don't doubt that he hasn't already realized the possibilities of what your relationship can blossom into, but I think because this aspect of it is so new, him not taking advantage of this opportunity to advance his career may cause some resentment if he chose to stay to see how things work out between the two of you and probably even more if they didn't.
Russ0114 : And I think that possibility may be in the front of his mind which is allowing him to decide so quickly.
Russ0114 : That's okay, I can see this is very hard for you.
Customer:

I do agree with that, I've thought about that too. He's so focused on how much more money he'll be making...he's already making great money. I want him to consider his priorities in life. I guess I'm hoping he'll go and it won't work out for whatever reasond and he'll come back. Then there wouldn't be that looming question of "what if" about the job. Hmm I'm sounding like a hopeless romantic setting myself up for a big letdown.

Customer:

Plus, that sounds so selfish of me.

Russ0114 : :), I too am a hopeless romantic and the heart wants what the heart wants.
Customer:

I'm just feeling very expendible (sp?), and it surprises me that I don't mean enough to him for him to stay.

Russ0114 : Here's another thought which could be equally as possible as the first.
Russ0114 : He may feel that because your friendship has lasted a long time and the attraction remains that the same will be should he decide or need to return or you're able to relocate to be with him.
Russ0114 : He may feel like this career opportunity may only happen once but the chemistry the two of you have will always be there and the possibility of the two of you resuming the pursuit of a romantic relationship will not go away.
Customer:

I see what you're saying. I definitely don't think that we would stop talking to each other. We haven't discussed whether I'll go visit, etc. probably b/c he still hasn't received the official offer, so we'll cross that bridge when we get to it I suppose. I'm afraid to ask him if the decision is harder for him than it appears, because I'm honestly afraid of what that answer might be. I know that men, typically, aren't as open with their emotions as women. So even though he appears to be having no problem with it, in reality he could be struggling with it...? Am I grasping at straws here?

Customer:

There is a good possibility of that in your last reply. Thank you for pointing that out.

Russ0114 : You're welcome and no I don't believe you're grasping at straws, I think you're right on target. Men are very concrete and women aren't we analyze every possibility and even analyze possibilities that aren't even possible :).
Customer:

I guess the fact that he hasn't even remotely wanted to stop seeing me since he learned of this possibility is good, right? He acts as though he's not going, in fact I kind of forget about it when we're together, then it hits me again. Can you give me any insight on that? Either he figures 'hey, why be lonely while I'm still here' (which would not be good), or he has no intention of ending things with me after he moves-?

Russ0114 : It doesn't sound like he's planning to end things and he may not talk about it because he hasn't received the official offer. And he's probably hoping that you want to continue the relationship as well.
Customer:

Anything I can do, either obvious or covert, that could help him consider making his personal life as much of a priority as his professional life?

Russ0114 : Essentially, you're going to have to model the behavior you want him to acknowledge.
Russ0114 : Be supportive
Russ0114 : But also prior to him going, you should express how you feel about him andthe situation if you haven't already done so.
Customer:

I'm not sure how I can model that behavior...? Make him a priority you mean?

Russ0114 : That but also by being supportive regarding this process and just showing him that you're taking his dreams and wants into consideration even though you really would like for him to stay.
Russ0114 : In addition, showing him that you're willing to do whatever in your power to do to try to make this thing work no matter where the two of you are geographically located. That just shows that your able to take your personal, professional along with both his personal and professional lives into consideration and prioritize them all.
Customer:

Great advice, you're right. It's hard to be supportive but I can do it - I have to.

Russ0114 : I'm sure it's hard but he'll appreciate your sacrifice in the long run and that may make your relationship that much stronger.
Customer:

A girl can only hope :) Maybe the distance from me, and the loneliness he will inevitably experience at first will bring things into perspective.

Russ0114 : I'm sure he will miss not being able to be with you at will. You just have to stay hopeful and be open & honest with him about your feelings about the relationship.
Customer:

Thank you very much!

MrsRuss0114, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 214
Experience: B.A.Psychology, MSW, LCSW, HS-BCP; 8+ yrs experience.
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